Aug 7, 2006
6:34 PM
Today was quite fun.
I picked up Sammie early today and met up with Heather and Ricky. We went to Scandia to play miniature golf. And you know what? I suck. LOL.
Must practice air hockey as well, my talents are slipping lol.
All in all, nice to hang out with both of my sisters. We will have to do it again some time when i have a little more money :)
Comment (1)
Heather Cain
i realize now that i would give anything to be that free, that happy again
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Every time
Aug 1, 2006
8:11 PM
i absolutley fucking hate my mother.
i hate who she used to be, i hate who she is, and who she will always be.
i hate everything she sias, and the tone she sais it it, i hate that every time i call her she makes me feel like shit.
i hate what she has done to our family, and i especially hate what she has done to my sisters.
simply being on the phone with her or seing her causes me pain, in so many ways. the physical pain that comes from crying on the phone, and pain in every muscle i use to restrain myself from saying something rude and uncalled for. (after all she is my mother, no matter what she has done). the pain i feel when i remember time spent with her and what we all went through. the pain i have for my sisters, wondering what is left for them, wondering how all this will affect them (i know its fuckin lovely for me). and i actually feel pain for her, and even my father, i cant imagine how they can live the way they do and have to look at their life every day, have to think of where their kids are, and what has happened to their life.
just to look at them or think of how they live makes me sad. it makes me sad that i have moved on and made the decision to leave them behind, and not let them drag me down. im asuming heather is trying to do the same, and i hope she is successful, more successfull than me. my mother really cant understand why no one wants to associate with her, cant understand why her children want to make another life of thier own and forget about her, forget about everythign that makes them want to cry. why is it so hard to understand that you cant help your children, you cant do anything but bring them more pain and sadness? why doesnt she see that? why doesnt she care that every time i get off the phone with her i cry? why?
8:11 PM
i absolutley fucking hate my mother.
i hate who she used to be, i hate who she is, and who she will always be.
i hate everything she sias, and the tone she sais it it, i hate that every time i call her she makes me feel like shit.
i hate what she has done to our family, and i especially hate what she has done to my sisters.
simply being on the phone with her or seing her causes me pain, in so many ways. the physical pain that comes from crying on the phone, and pain in every muscle i use to restrain myself from saying something rude and uncalled for. (after all she is my mother, no matter what she has done). the pain i feel when i remember time spent with her and what we all went through. the pain i have for my sisters, wondering what is left for them, wondering how all this will affect them (i know its fuckin lovely for me). and i actually feel pain for her, and even my father, i cant imagine how they can live the way they do and have to look at their life every day, have to think of where their kids are, and what has happened to their life.
just to look at them or think of how they live makes me sad. it makes me sad that i have moved on and made the decision to leave them behind, and not let them drag me down. im asuming heather is trying to do the same, and i hope she is successful, more successfull than me. my mother really cant understand why no one wants to associate with her, cant understand why her children want to make another life of thier own and forget about her, forget about everythign that makes them want to cry. why is it so hard to understand that you cant help your children, you cant do anything but bring them more pain and sadness? why doesnt she see that? why doesnt she care that every time i get off the phone with her i cry? why?
Me
Jul 13, 2006
9:21 PM
basically i hate who i have become, everything that i am. i look in the mirror and i dont know who i am anymore. i dont know what i am doing or where i am going. all i know is my past, and thats i have go on, which disgusts me.
i had made peace with my past and my choices and realized that i am not proud of any of it, but it made me who i am and i have to accept it and move on. thats what i simply did, i changed my actions and moved on. it was all too simple, but why cant it be simple like that. why does ur past have to come back to haunt the present or future? why does it have to effect things that would otherwise be, the happiest moments i have had in a long time?
my actions dont just effect me, but it also effects others around me. and i feel so horrible that i didnt make the effort to say something when i should have. i subjected someone to something that they had no idea of, thats completley on me.
to anyone that my actions may have hurt, im truly sorry
Comment (1)
Tara Truex:
I can see what your saying. Im not going to go into details of how i feel about things cause its not my place. But i can tell you that i will always care for you rachel. You will always be one of my best friends, even though we seem to be growing apart. I to am in a rut that i cant seem to get out of and i cant stand to hear negative comments all the time about me working, but i want you to know that your welcome around me you and james.
Love you both
9:21 PM
basically i hate who i have become, everything that i am. i look in the mirror and i dont know who i am anymore. i dont know what i am doing or where i am going. all i know is my past, and thats i have go on, which disgusts me.
i had made peace with my past and my choices and realized that i am not proud of any of it, but it made me who i am and i have to accept it and move on. thats what i simply did, i changed my actions and moved on. it was all too simple, but why cant it be simple like that. why does ur past have to come back to haunt the present or future? why does it have to effect things that would otherwise be, the happiest moments i have had in a long time?
my actions dont just effect me, but it also effects others around me. and i feel so horrible that i didnt make the effort to say something when i should have. i subjected someone to something that they had no idea of, thats completley on me.
to anyone that my actions may have hurt, im truly sorry
Comment (1)
Tara Truex:
I can see what your saying. Im not going to go into details of how i feel about things cause its not my place. But i can tell you that i will always care for you rachel. You will always be one of my best friends, even though we seem to be growing apart. I to am in a rut that i cant seem to get out of and i cant stand to hear negative comments all the time about me working, but i want you to know that your welcome around me you and james.
Love you both
lets waste time
Jul 3, 2006
12:07 AM
if i lay here
if i just lay here
would u lie with me
and just forget the world?
12:07 AM
if i lay here
if i just lay here
would u lie with me
and just forget the world?
Drunky drunkerson
Jun 23, 2006
5:53 PM
that was my name last nite lol
candice's b-day party for wayne was pretty fun, i got pretty fuckin trashed, i havent been that trashed since right after i moved downtown.
a handful of tequilla sunrises, and a cranberry vodka, and another handful of jello shots, makes the lawn a very comfy place to nap LOL
5:53 PM
that was my name last nite lol
candice's b-day party for wayne was pretty fun, i got pretty fuckin trashed, i havent been that trashed since right after i moved downtown.
a handful of tequilla sunrises, and a cranberry vodka, and another handful of jello shots, makes the lawn a very comfy place to nap LOL
Its a wonderful life
Jun 13, 2006
8:04 PM
can anyone tell me why i have the life i have?
can anyone tell me why i dont have anyone worth calling on mothers day or fathers day? why my sister is living in a crowded house and is lucky to have a bed to call her own let alone her own room? or why i am sleeping in a dining room?
i added it up today, ten thousand dollars is racked up on my name. i cant beleive i let that happen, but it was all in the pursuit of happiness. and i was happy for a second. thats how it always goes. i feel content, comfortable, or even miraculously happy. then it all gets shot to hell. like i dont deserve to be happy. i dont work to have money or have fun, i dont even work to live, i simply work to pay off what i owe because of my own stupidity. i was stupid to think that i could actually be happy, i guess im just one of those gullible people. i live for the dream of one day being part of a family and owning a home with every room painted a different color, and a few kids running in and out of the house, to me thats so perfect. not like i will ever get there. i dont know what happens, but whatever i make of my own seems to dissapear right in front of my eyes. and all i can do is watch it go.
i dont have anything to call my own ezcept the two suitcases in my room, got to keep my posessions to a minimum when i keep moving all over the place, u know i havent even unpacked. besides the fact that i have no where to put anything cuz i dont have a dresser, i dont think i could unpack it all cuz i would wonder when i am gonna have to pack it up again.
i am one step away from being nothing. my parents are nothing, and i tried my hardest not to be like them, wanted so much to make something of myself, and look at me. what do i have? who am i? i am not someone capable of being loved and i am not someone to be looked up to. i have two sisters that have nothing in the world but me and they cant even look up to me and try to be like me. i have nothing to offer them or anyone else.
8:04 PM
can anyone tell me why i have the life i have?
can anyone tell me why i dont have anyone worth calling on mothers day or fathers day? why my sister is living in a crowded house and is lucky to have a bed to call her own let alone her own room? or why i am sleeping in a dining room?
i added it up today, ten thousand dollars is racked up on my name. i cant beleive i let that happen, but it was all in the pursuit of happiness. and i was happy for a second. thats how it always goes. i feel content, comfortable, or even miraculously happy. then it all gets shot to hell. like i dont deserve to be happy. i dont work to have money or have fun, i dont even work to live, i simply work to pay off what i owe because of my own stupidity. i was stupid to think that i could actually be happy, i guess im just one of those gullible people. i live for the dream of one day being part of a family and owning a home with every room painted a different color, and a few kids running in and out of the house, to me thats so perfect. not like i will ever get there. i dont know what happens, but whatever i make of my own seems to dissapear right in front of my eyes. and all i can do is watch it go.
i dont have anything to call my own ezcept the two suitcases in my room, got to keep my posessions to a minimum when i keep moving all over the place, u know i havent even unpacked. besides the fact that i have no where to put anything cuz i dont have a dresser, i dont think i could unpack it all cuz i would wonder when i am gonna have to pack it up again.
i am one step away from being nothing. my parents are nothing, and i tried my hardest not to be like them, wanted so much to make something of myself, and look at me. what do i have? who am i? i am not someone capable of being loved and i am not someone to be looked up to. i have two sisters that have nothing in the world but me and they cant even look up to me and try to be like me. i have nothing to offer them or anyone else.
Barbie
May 27, 2006
2:55 PM
new drink that danielle named
tastes hella bomb!
its a barbie, cuz danielle said that it tastes just like how she would imagine a barbie tasting lol
its malibu rum and pineapple or pineapple-orange juice. hella fuckin good
2:55 PM
new drink that danielle named
tastes hella bomb!
its a barbie, cuz danielle said that it tastes just like how she would imagine a barbie tasting lol
its malibu rum and pineapple or pineapple-orange juice. hella fuckin good
FUCKIN A
May 22, 2006
9:58 AM
why the fuck does everything have to be so damn stupid and difficult? why do i always make stupid decisions that make things worse in the end?
if i hadnt been so stupid and moved to marysville i would be financially stable enough to possibly help my sisters when they needed it. they need me now most of all and i cant do a fuckin thing. all i can do is sit here and watch the shit hit the fan again.
i should be doing something for them, but i cant, i have nothing to offer them. nothing at all. they cant depend on me or even look up to me. i havent done anything but fuck my life up. just like my mother
im sorry girls, im sorry for not being there for u, sorry for moving away and abandoning u, sorry for all the times i was so selfish. im so sorry, i really am.
9:58 AM
why the fuck does everything have to be so damn stupid and difficult? why do i always make stupid decisions that make things worse in the end?
if i hadnt been so stupid and moved to marysville i would be financially stable enough to possibly help my sisters when they needed it. they need me now most of all and i cant do a fuckin thing. all i can do is sit here and watch the shit hit the fan again.
i should be doing something for them, but i cant, i have nothing to offer them. nothing at all. they cant depend on me or even look up to me. i havent done anything but fuck my life up. just like my mother
im sorry girls, im sorry for not being there for u, sorry for moving away and abandoning u, sorry for all the times i was so selfish. im so sorry, i really am.
Turlock
May 21, 2006
10:46 AM
i went to bed a little after 230 last nite, or technically this morning. because yesterday i went to the truck pulls in turlock with greg and chad and chads girls savannah and kayla. it was fun, i liked most of the trucks, although it would have been funner if i would have known one of the pullers or something. but we got there too late for chad to register his truck.
when we got there it was nice and sunny so i was wearing a tank top, then when the sun started to go down it got windy and hella cold, i should have brought 2 sweaters lol. and the girls brought blankets so they could sleep although they didnt sleep at all they just rolled around and made a mess of blankets lol.
then on the almost hour long ride home they fell asleep and so did i part of the way, i was in and out of sleep for most of the way. then when we got back to chads, the girls went to bed and we just hung out and chad fell asleep, and he didnt even wake up while carly was licking his toes for like 5 minutes. HAHA. then we left at like 2 to take me home.
then i got home and fell right asleep and i didnt get up till like 11 haha, nice sleep in sunday :)
10:46 AM
i went to bed a little after 230 last nite, or technically this morning. because yesterday i went to the truck pulls in turlock with greg and chad and chads girls savannah and kayla. it was fun, i liked most of the trucks, although it would have been funner if i would have known one of the pullers or something. but we got there too late for chad to register his truck.
when we got there it was nice and sunny so i was wearing a tank top, then when the sun started to go down it got windy and hella cold, i should have brought 2 sweaters lol. and the girls brought blankets so they could sleep although they didnt sleep at all they just rolled around and made a mess of blankets lol.
then on the almost hour long ride home they fell asleep and so did i part of the way, i was in and out of sleep for most of the way. then when we got back to chads, the girls went to bed and we just hung out and chad fell asleep, and he didnt even wake up while carly was licking his toes for like 5 minutes. HAHA. then we left at like 2 to take me home.
then i got home and fell right asleep and i didnt get up till like 11 haha, nice sleep in sunday :)
Wednesday nite
May 19, 2006
3:03 PM
wednesday after work i went out on the boat with greg, chad, jessica, and drew.
i had never been on a boat while it was in the water before so i was kinda scared lol. but it was pretty damn fun. kinda bouncy and we got wet from this wave, well greg got more wet than i did lol, but it was still fun. then we went back to chads and watched terminator and i was falling asleep cuz it was like 11 but i managed to stay awake for the most part till i got home, but the second i did i crashed, got my 4 hours of sleep then went to work the next morning haha.
good times!
3:03 PM
wednesday after work i went out on the boat with greg, chad, jessica, and drew.
i had never been on a boat while it was in the water before so i was kinda scared lol. but it was pretty damn fun. kinda bouncy and we got wet from this wave, well greg got more wet than i did lol, but it was still fun. then we went back to chads and watched terminator and i was falling asleep cuz it was like 11 but i managed to stay awake for the most part till i got home, but the second i did i crashed, got my 4 hours of sleep then went to work the next morning haha.
good times!
FUCK!
May 15, 2006
10:01 AM
WTF!
why does everything go great one day then turn around and be so shitty the next? yesterday i had fun, i didnt go to bed early but i didnt stay up to late either. then this morning i went to work and everything was goin good till my back started hurting. then i got a headache, then i walked to johnson to see heather like i do every monday and she wasnt there yet so i was gonna call her house or one of her friends and see where she was, and guess fuckin what? my phone is shut off! i really shouldnt be this surprised, it was due on the first and ron said that he would pay it, but why should he if he went out and got himself a brand new fuckin shiny one?! why should anyone do any fuckin thing? where does it get us, debt, a shut off phone, a paycheck that hasnt even arrived and yet its all spent?
so for the moment my phone is off, and it will be off for a day or two till i can get my check in the bank, well first i guess i have to get it in the mail lol. im gonna ask him if he can pay part of it but i know he wont, there will be some lame excuse why he doesnt have any money and why i cant have the phone back yet, why he hasnt taken the rings back and also why he cant bring them to me. theres always something. IM SO FUCKIN DONE. this is all bullshit and i dont want to have to deal with it anymore, i just want to take care of my shit and be done, i dont want to have to call him everytime there is an issue with a fuckin bill. this is so insane.
if he lives in town now there is no reason why he cant bring the rings and the phone to me. i dont need any money for the fuckin bill, ill do it on my own. i dont need the money he promised me for all my bills that we racked up together, ill do that by myself too. and i dont need him to help me get a car like he promised either. he promised a lot of things and i dont expect to ever see them, i just want to be done. i want my phone and i want my rings!
10:01 AM
WTF!
why does everything go great one day then turn around and be so shitty the next? yesterday i had fun, i didnt go to bed early but i didnt stay up to late either. then this morning i went to work and everything was goin good till my back started hurting. then i got a headache, then i walked to johnson to see heather like i do every monday and she wasnt there yet so i was gonna call her house or one of her friends and see where she was, and guess fuckin what? my phone is shut off! i really shouldnt be this surprised, it was due on the first and ron said that he would pay it, but why should he if he went out and got himself a brand new fuckin shiny one?! why should anyone do any fuckin thing? where does it get us, debt, a shut off phone, a paycheck that hasnt even arrived and yet its all spent?
so for the moment my phone is off, and it will be off for a day or two till i can get my check in the bank, well first i guess i have to get it in the mail lol. im gonna ask him if he can pay part of it but i know he wont, there will be some lame excuse why he doesnt have any money and why i cant have the phone back yet, why he hasnt taken the rings back and also why he cant bring them to me. theres always something. IM SO FUCKIN DONE. this is all bullshit and i dont want to have to deal with it anymore, i just want to take care of my shit and be done, i dont want to have to call him everytime there is an issue with a fuckin bill. this is so insane.
if he lives in town now there is no reason why he cant bring the rings and the phone to me. i dont need any money for the fuckin bill, ill do it on my own. i dont need the money he promised me for all my bills that we racked up together, ill do that by myself too. and i dont need him to help me get a car like he promised either. he promised a lot of things and i dont expect to ever see them, i just want to be done. i want my phone and i want my rings!
Today
May 13, 2006
10:14 PM
today was such a great day.
i got to sleep in, woke up around 1030, then i got ready and went to the movies. although it wasnt a comfortable position to be in for an hour and a half, it was nice to get out and have some fun that didnt involve me getting wasted off my ass lol-- just a change of pace for a second. haha
then after the movie there was a barbicue goin on at howards house. so we went by there stayed for a while and had dinner. i stayed for a while and howard took me home, home to the house that i thought was dirty but now after seeing his house mine doesnt even compare to how trashed his is lol. but i am sure the fuck not even gonna fuck with cleaning or helping clean that filth... haha.
sorry the alergies made it so horrible lol. i didnt even really think of that till i looked down the driveway :(
the only thing that sucked was after the sun was goin down the mosquitos fuckin annoyed the shit out of me!!
10:14 PM
today was such a great day.
i got to sleep in, woke up around 1030, then i got ready and went to the movies. although it wasnt a comfortable position to be in for an hour and a half, it was nice to get out and have some fun that didnt involve me getting wasted off my ass lol-- just a change of pace for a second. haha
then after the movie there was a barbicue goin on at howards house. so we went by there stayed for a while and had dinner. i stayed for a while and howard took me home, home to the house that i thought was dirty but now after seeing his house mine doesnt even compare to how trashed his is lol. but i am sure the fuck not even gonna fuck with cleaning or helping clean that filth... haha.
sorry the alergies made it so horrible lol. i didnt even really think of that till i looked down the driveway :(
the only thing that sucked was after the sun was goin down the mosquitos fuckin annoyed the shit out of me!!
5am
May 6, 2006
6:48 PM
wtf, i can claim now that i have been to a party that blasted country music.
"ive got friends in low places..." and listening to everyone else singing along and finding it hard to resist singing it myself.
but we soon left there and just decided to go to the city. haha at like 2 in the morning. and i didnt get to bed till aobut 5 am, i was going to bed as the sun was starting to rise. lol and then i didnt get up till 130 in the afternoon. i slept really well. now i am gonna be sad when i have to go back to my bed at home lol.
6:48 PM
wtf, i can claim now that i have been to a party that blasted country music.
"ive got friends in low places..." and listening to everyone else singing along and finding it hard to resist singing it myself.
but we soon left there and just decided to go to the city. haha at like 2 in the morning. and i didnt get to bed till aobut 5 am, i was going to bed as the sun was starting to rise. lol and then i didnt get up till 130 in the afternoon. i slept really well. now i am gonna be sad when i have to go back to my bed at home lol.
3am
Apr 30, 2006
2:04 PM
last nite was hella fuckin fun.
haha, i had 4 glasses of tucker death mix... that is gatorade(i dont know if that is how u spell that) red bull and enough bacardi 151 to make it potent enough to probably light things on fire. and in all honesty i might have drank them a little too fast, and i should have stopped at three lol. even thought there were times when i got out of hand, i still had hella fun and i didnt go to bed till 3 in the morning haha
2:04 PM
last nite was hella fuckin fun.
haha, i had 4 glasses of tucker death mix... that is gatorade(i dont know if that is how u spell that) red bull and enough bacardi 151 to make it potent enough to probably light things on fire. and in all honesty i might have drank them a little too fast, and i should have stopped at three lol. even thought there were times when i got out of hand, i still had hella fun and i didnt go to bed till 3 in the morning haha
Slapped
Apr 26, 2006
6:47 PM
i am being bitchy right now, i just feel like shit. my back hella hurts and keeps randomly spasming, taking my breath away and making me fall onto the couch. im in that hella ugly time of the month so it feels like my insides are falling out. and i have a headache cuz of the sun and i dont have my sunglasses... thanks heather... and on top of that i had a ugly day at work. the kids on my bus acted up all morning, yelling screaming undoing seatbelts, kicking.... then on my break i just went home and ate and then took a nap and all the nap did is make me more tired. then when i got back to work i had to deal with some ugly ass bitch talkin hella shit, then when we picked up the kids to take them home one of them kept being an ass. he would kick the seat and the wall so i had to restrain his foot, then he would hit me on my arm and so i had to hold his hands with my free hand, then he was still throwing a fit so he did the only thing left... head but me and scream... then when he calmed down and was quiet i let him go and fixed his seat belt, and as i did that he slapped me right across my face.
im fuckin pissed and all i want to do is take some vicodin and go to bed, but i dont have any, so i am left to suffer
6:47 PM
i am being bitchy right now, i just feel like shit. my back hella hurts and keeps randomly spasming, taking my breath away and making me fall onto the couch. im in that hella ugly time of the month so it feels like my insides are falling out. and i have a headache cuz of the sun and i dont have my sunglasses... thanks heather... and on top of that i had a ugly day at work. the kids on my bus acted up all morning, yelling screaming undoing seatbelts, kicking.... then on my break i just went home and ate and then took a nap and all the nap did is make me more tired. then when i got back to work i had to deal with some ugly ass bitch talkin hella shit, then when we picked up the kids to take them home one of them kept being an ass. he would kick the seat and the wall so i had to restrain his foot, then he would hit me on my arm and so i had to hold his hands with my free hand, then he was still throwing a fit so he did the only thing left... head but me and scream... then when he calmed down and was quiet i let him go and fixed his seat belt, and as i did that he slapped me right across my face.
im fuckin pissed and all i want to do is take some vicodin and go to bed, but i dont have any, so i am left to suffer
Once was
Apr 24, 2006
8:57 PM
there was once a glove, then a trip to reno
then came the pansie, chem dry, and turks
soon after was the pimp, dope, a cowboy, p f chengs, then new york, sf, cal king, and a studio, after came the band, then the irishman, adam sandler soon followed, then downtown, then house, punk, and then stang, and now 12.
Then there was The roommate, Mama and rockstar.
Amanda, Sarah
Andrew, Josh, Andrew
Ryan.
8:57 PM
there was once a glove, then a trip to reno
then came the pansie, chem dry, and turks
soon after was the pimp, dope, a cowboy, p f chengs, then new york, sf, cal king, and a studio, after came the band, then the irishman, adam sandler soon followed, then downtown, then house, punk, and then stang, and now 12.
Then there was The roommate, Mama and rockstar.
Amanda, Sarah
Andrew, Josh, Andrew
Ryan.
no work tomorrow?
Apr 22, 2006
9:21 PM
no work tomorrow, what does that mean.........
how about, umm... a ton of smirnoffs and cranberry/vodka
that might work, it just might.
i doubt i will stay up as late as i did last nite though..... but i wasnt drunk then....
9:21 PM
no work tomorrow, what does that mean.........
how about, umm... a ton of smirnoffs and cranberry/vodka
that might work, it just might.
i doubt i will stay up as late as i did last nite though..... but i wasnt drunk then....
Positive
Apr 22, 2006
3:44 PM
i figured i should post a new one of these, its been a little bit.
im doin a lot better. i am working all week long and i think i have a permanant rout for the rest of the year, although its special ed, its ok, the kids arent that bad. theres actually some hella cute kids on there. and since i live close to light rail i can walk from work and take lightrail home in the middle of the day and clean and stuff. if we had a washer and dryer i would do laundry then, but unfortunatley we dont. so now the only obstacle i have is waiting till the 15th for any money, since i missed this 15th paycheck. ive just been trying to think positive and find things to keep me busy, and its workin. i have new goals and a new way of thinkin of things. i thought this was all so devistating, when actually all it did was open my eyes. this was all a learning experience. all this has made me stronger, and the way my life goes i need all the strength i can get.
all i can say is thank u to everyone who was there for me through all this. i dont know what i would have done without u guys.
3:44 PM
i figured i should post a new one of these, its been a little bit.
im doin a lot better. i am working all week long and i think i have a permanant rout for the rest of the year, although its special ed, its ok, the kids arent that bad. theres actually some hella cute kids on there. and since i live close to light rail i can walk from work and take lightrail home in the middle of the day and clean and stuff. if we had a washer and dryer i would do laundry then, but unfortunatley we dont. so now the only obstacle i have is waiting till the 15th for any money, since i missed this 15th paycheck. ive just been trying to think positive and find things to keep me busy, and its workin. i have new goals and a new way of thinkin of things. i thought this was all so devistating, when actually all it did was open my eyes. this was all a learning experience. all this has made me stronger, and the way my life goes i need all the strength i can get.
all i can say is thank u to everyone who was there for me through all this. i dont know what i would have done without u guys.
Tomorrow
Apr 14, 2006
10:39 AM
how can others make it look so easy, how can u just go on with ur life like nothing happened. how do u make it stop hurting. how do u keep ur mind from wandering when it has nothing else to think about. how do u not cry at the thought of losing someone u love so much, and knowing they r not coming back. how do u control it. i want to know. i want to make it stop.
every time i see something or do something i think of him and miss him. and i am envious of anyone who doesnt have those thoughts and feelings.
i just want it to go away and no matter how hard i try its still there and it sneaks up on me all the time.
do u know what its like to be thrown away, treated like ur garbage. left alone and no one cares. ever been so blind that u didnt even see how vulnerable u really were until it was too late. ever poured ur heart and soul into something then have it ripped away form u. have u ever seen the future and really saw something, then all of a sudden its like u dont know what tomorrow is gonna look like cuz nothing is the same anymore.
theres no feeling like feeling that u are completley expendable.
i dont matter and i never did or it wouldnt be that easy to not care.
10:39 AM
how can others make it look so easy, how can u just go on with ur life like nothing happened. how do u make it stop hurting. how do u keep ur mind from wandering when it has nothing else to think about. how do u not cry at the thought of losing someone u love so much, and knowing they r not coming back. how do u control it. i want to know. i want to make it stop.
every time i see something or do something i think of him and miss him. and i am envious of anyone who doesnt have those thoughts and feelings.
i just want it to go away and no matter how hard i try its still there and it sneaks up on me all the time.
do u know what its like to be thrown away, treated like ur garbage. left alone and no one cares. ever been so blind that u didnt even see how vulnerable u really were until it was too late. ever poured ur heart and soul into something then have it ripped away form u. have u ever seen the future and really saw something, then all of a sudden its like u dont know what tomorrow is gonna look like cuz nothing is the same anymore.
theres no feeling like feeling that u are completley expendable.
i dont matter and i never did or it wouldnt be that easy to not care.
Not for me
Apr 12, 2006
1:16 PM
why does life do this to me?
i knew this would all happen, thats why i was hesitant in the beginning.
now that i know that i am capable of being thrown away it makes me feel like garbage. i did something wrong and i have no idea precisely what it is. but i know it was my fault. and if i did nothing wrong at all then i was blind and stupid.
bottom line, im not meant to be happy. every time i try something happens. i guess its just not for me. i will always have a lonley sad life and there is no reason to think that things will change. it always goes back to the same place.
im tired and i have finally realized that i have no energy to try anymore, its all pointless.
1:16 PM
why does life do this to me?
i knew this would all happen, thats why i was hesitant in the beginning.
now that i know that i am capable of being thrown away it makes me feel like garbage. i did something wrong and i have no idea precisely what it is. but i know it was my fault. and if i did nothing wrong at all then i was blind and stupid.
bottom line, im not meant to be happy. every time i try something happens. i guess its just not for me. i will always have a lonley sad life and there is no reason to think that things will change. it always goes back to the same place.
im tired and i have finally realized that i have no energy to try anymore, its all pointless.
never in a million years would i have ever done that to u, i dont know how else to say it.
Apr 10, 2006
11:14 AM
i have moved in with james and his mom and his brother.
i kinda sorta have my own room its sorta an out of the way dining room. but it works better than taras couch and jumping from house to house
im doing better but i still feel hella stupid for all of this, and i keep finding new stuff out.
i found out that even though i was never anything but honest and completley open with him, he lies to me. like i dont deserve the truth. i dont care what he does but i just dont like people thinking they can lie to me like i am stupid, and i just wont catch on or find out.
and i guess he thinks that i cheated on him too. god that pissed me off so bad, i instantly burst into tears when i heard that. he thinks that when i came down here to give him the space that i figured he needed, and i spent the night at james's house that i slept with james. because i go drunk and "i know how she is when she gets drunk". well for ur information, i was truly happy and i had something that i cherished with him. i never before felt the way i did with him. i would never do anything to jepardize what we had. i would do anything to make it work and i would never do anythin to fuck it up. i just cant think of anything else to say to that besides what would make him think that i would just stop caring and do something so stupid.
all i can say is that i would never do something to hurt u, even though all this has hurt me so bad. it really ruined me for life. im not gonna be the same anymore. i used to be easygoing and care free, and willing to give things a chance. but now, now i know that trying does nothing. every time i give in and try to be happy, try to do something with my life, its ripped away from me. and this time when it was ripped away, it took half of me with it. i am empty and sad now. i cant be happy, i can fake it sure, but really i am not here anymore. the happy part of me is gone. im done.
11:14 AM
i have moved in with james and his mom and his brother.
i kinda sorta have my own room its sorta an out of the way dining room. but it works better than taras couch and jumping from house to house
im doing better but i still feel hella stupid for all of this, and i keep finding new stuff out.
i found out that even though i was never anything but honest and completley open with him, he lies to me. like i dont deserve the truth. i dont care what he does but i just dont like people thinking they can lie to me like i am stupid, and i just wont catch on or find out.
and i guess he thinks that i cheated on him too. god that pissed me off so bad, i instantly burst into tears when i heard that. he thinks that when i came down here to give him the space that i figured he needed, and i spent the night at james's house that i slept with james. because i go drunk and "i know how she is when she gets drunk". well for ur information, i was truly happy and i had something that i cherished with him. i never before felt the way i did with him. i would never do anything to jepardize what we had. i would do anything to make it work and i would never do anythin to fuck it up. i just cant think of anything else to say to that besides what would make him think that i would just stop caring and do something so stupid.
all i can say is that i would never do something to hurt u, even though all this has hurt me so bad. it really ruined me for life. im not gonna be the same anymore. i used to be easygoing and care free, and willing to give things a chance. but now, now i know that trying does nothing. every time i give in and try to be happy, try to do something with my life, its ripped away from me. and this time when it was ripped away, it took half of me with it. i am empty and sad now. i cant be happy, i can fake it sure, but really i am not here anymore. the happy part of me is gone. im done.
Left my 7 up
Apr 1, 2006
10:11 AM
k, well me and ron are split up now. i dont know why it all came as such a shock to me. i was so unprepared for any of this. to me everything was fine. i guess i was wrong. like i always am.
i found someone who made me happy and seemed happy to be with me. so i jumped at the chance to be with him. i moved in because it seemed like the logical thing to do. it was hard being in a seprate town than him. (maybe thats where i went wrong, maybe he really didnt want to see me every day or every morning right next to him.)
i was so happy that he would really want to marry me, someone willing to spend the rest of their life with ME. i jumped right on board, willing to do anything for someone who i loved so much and thought that they loved me so much too.
i realize now that i always used to think along the lines of if something is too good to be true then it prolly is. this whole thing was perfect to me. and i didnt see that it could have been to perfect to last. i guess i was just too young and nieve (if thats how u spell that), i was too willing to believe anything that he said.
for me this was a chance at finally being happy and a chance at a life. i was growing up and i was truly happy. now i get to start all over again.
i guess im just lucky that i have friends that still care. i dont know what i would do without them. thanks u guys.
its gonna take me a while to get back to normal. right now i just feel so stupid, and kinda lost. but i hope that will go away.
10:11 AM
k, well me and ron are split up now. i dont know why it all came as such a shock to me. i was so unprepared for any of this. to me everything was fine. i guess i was wrong. like i always am.
i found someone who made me happy and seemed happy to be with me. so i jumped at the chance to be with him. i moved in because it seemed like the logical thing to do. it was hard being in a seprate town than him. (maybe thats where i went wrong, maybe he really didnt want to see me every day or every morning right next to him.)
i was so happy that he would really want to marry me, someone willing to spend the rest of their life with ME. i jumped right on board, willing to do anything for someone who i loved so much and thought that they loved me so much too.
i realize now that i always used to think along the lines of if something is too good to be true then it prolly is. this whole thing was perfect to me. and i didnt see that it could have been to perfect to last. i guess i was just too young and nieve (if thats how u spell that), i was too willing to believe anything that he said.
for me this was a chance at finally being happy and a chance at a life. i was growing up and i was truly happy. now i get to start all over again.
i guess im just lucky that i have friends that still care. i dont know what i would do without them. thanks u guys.
its gonna take me a while to get back to normal. right now i just feel so stupid, and kinda lost. but i hope that will go away.
No more
Mar 28, 2006
6:36 PM
petco is the past, as are other things
i just called and quit
i have to leave here
it hurts too bad to stay
the bus yard is waiting for me
and i have friends that love me
ill be there in the next couple days more like tomorrow or so
ive got to make the most of all this
hopefully it will all work out and i wont have to sleep on a couch for the rest of my life
6:36 PM
petco is the past, as are other things
i just called and quit
i have to leave here
it hurts too bad to stay
the bus yard is waiting for me
and i have friends that love me
ill be there in the next couple days more like tomorrow or so
ive got to make the most of all this
hopefully it will all work out and i wont have to sleep on a couch for the rest of my life
Gone
Mar 28, 2006
7:45 AM
ur gone to work now, and im eating a peice of bread, not because im hungry (in fact it will prolly make me sick), but because i know that i havent eaten anything in more than 24 hours
i held u last nite, and for the first time i fell asleep on ur chest, maybe its cuz i was so exausted, i dont know. all i know is that im glad that u still let me do that.
this is so hard for me cuz i love u so much and i know that i keep saying that, but only cuz its true. and i want u to understand how much u mean to me. i wouldnt have agreed to marry u if i thought this was just gonna end in a year or so. i said yes to forever. being without u is hell. i cant eat, or sleep. u know i used to hear ppl on tv and stuff say "it only hurts when i breathe". and i used to think that was a load of bull shit. but u know what, i see it now. it really does hurt to breathe, it makes me nausous and my stomach cramps. i am nothing without u, i am falling apart. im not gonna be able to just get over u.
for me the hardest thing for me to understand is how u can just give up. i love u so much and i would do anything to make this work. and yet its like ur throwing it all away, because of what might happen. the truth is u control what happens, if u want it to end differently u can make that happen. i figured if we loved eachother enough we could at least try, im willing to. but u dont want to, cuz u can only see one outcome from this.
what do u think is gonna happen, that ill wake up one day and realize ur an asshole? NEVER. if i had any doubts of my love for u i would have never agreed to marry u and be with u forever. i know that i would wake up ever single morning and be so thankful that u were right there next to me. i would have a smile on my face every day that u walked in the door from work, thankful that i get to kiss u. i just want u to know how happy u made me.
u really completed me, now that we arent together its like u have been ripped away form me. u were a part of me, and now that parts gone, i feel so empty, like a part of me really is missing. i guess thats the part that wants to eat and sleep, cuz the part that still loves u is still there. and it keeps causing me so much pain.
last nite u said something about being hurt to many times, and u were afraid that i would hurt u. i have no idea what makes u think that i would hurt u. just like i dont know what makes u think that i would hate u either. u said that ur sorry over and over again. i really wish u would take the chance, the chance that we will be happy together.
am i not worth the chance?
i want to spend the rest of my life with u, i want to make u happy, cuz u make me happy.
im still not ready to let go, but i am doing better, i dont cry ALL the time. i took another step, i took the ring off today. after u left i put it up with urs, ull see it. its just a way of me letting of something thats not there.
even though im not wearing it, i still love u. and if u reconsider before i leave just talk to me.
7:45 AM
ur gone to work now, and im eating a peice of bread, not because im hungry (in fact it will prolly make me sick), but because i know that i havent eaten anything in more than 24 hours
i held u last nite, and for the first time i fell asleep on ur chest, maybe its cuz i was so exausted, i dont know. all i know is that im glad that u still let me do that.
this is so hard for me cuz i love u so much and i know that i keep saying that, but only cuz its true. and i want u to understand how much u mean to me. i wouldnt have agreed to marry u if i thought this was just gonna end in a year or so. i said yes to forever. being without u is hell. i cant eat, or sleep. u know i used to hear ppl on tv and stuff say "it only hurts when i breathe". and i used to think that was a load of bull shit. but u know what, i see it now. it really does hurt to breathe, it makes me nausous and my stomach cramps. i am nothing without u, i am falling apart. im not gonna be able to just get over u.
for me the hardest thing for me to understand is how u can just give up. i love u so much and i would do anything to make this work. and yet its like ur throwing it all away, because of what might happen. the truth is u control what happens, if u want it to end differently u can make that happen. i figured if we loved eachother enough we could at least try, im willing to. but u dont want to, cuz u can only see one outcome from this.
what do u think is gonna happen, that ill wake up one day and realize ur an asshole? NEVER. if i had any doubts of my love for u i would have never agreed to marry u and be with u forever. i know that i would wake up ever single morning and be so thankful that u were right there next to me. i would have a smile on my face every day that u walked in the door from work, thankful that i get to kiss u. i just want u to know how happy u made me.
u really completed me, now that we arent together its like u have been ripped away form me. u were a part of me, and now that parts gone, i feel so empty, like a part of me really is missing. i guess thats the part that wants to eat and sleep, cuz the part that still loves u is still there. and it keeps causing me so much pain.
last nite u said something about being hurt to many times, and u were afraid that i would hurt u. i have no idea what makes u think that i would hurt u. just like i dont know what makes u think that i would hate u either. u said that ur sorry over and over again. i really wish u would take the chance, the chance that we will be happy together.
am i not worth the chance?
i want to spend the rest of my life with u, i want to make u happy, cuz u make me happy.
im still not ready to let go, but i am doing better, i dont cry ALL the time. i took another step, i took the ring off today. after u left i put it up with urs, ull see it. its just a way of me letting of something thats not there.
even though im not wearing it, i still love u. and if u reconsider before i leave just talk to me.
Lost
Mar 27, 2006
7:32 PM
it hurts so bad to even think about this, let alone say it
but i think i lost u
i dont have the energy anymore
i havent eaten since 530 this morning
and everytime i think about us, and the fact that i dont know where u r
i burst into tears
7:32 PM
it hurts so bad to even think about this, let alone say it
but i think i lost u
i dont have the energy anymore
i havent eaten since 530 this morning
and everytime i think about us, and the fact that i dont know where u r
i burst into tears
Waiting
Mar 27, 2006
4:44 AM
last nite i worried and waited
i know i shouldnt, ur grown and right now thats not my place
but i couldnt help it
i didnt sleep more than an hour at a time
then when u came home at 230 and i knew u were really safe, i was ok
no the couch isnt all that comfy, but right now i cant share the bed with u
i hope u understand
yesterday i almost took off the ring, then i remembered why i wear it
cuz i love u, and i still do, so im still wearing it
its hard and painful, but in my eyes, ur worth it
all i can do is wait now, and im not ready to give up on this
i love u
4:44 AM
last nite i worried and waited
i know i shouldnt, ur grown and right now thats not my place
but i couldnt help it
i didnt sleep more than an hour at a time
then when u came home at 230 and i knew u were really safe, i was ok
no the couch isnt all that comfy, but right now i cant share the bed with u
i hope u understand
yesterday i almost took off the ring, then i remembered why i wear it
cuz i love u, and i still do, so im still wearing it
its hard and painful, but in my eyes, ur worth it
all i can do is wait now, and im not ready to give up on this
i love u
Showers
Mar 26, 2006
3:58 PM
i feel so broken
i cant do anything anymore
i cant sleep
i cant eat
all i want to do is take showers so i can cry and no one hears me
3:58 PM
i feel so broken
i cant do anything anymore
i cant sleep
i cant eat
all i want to do is take showers so i can cry and no one hears me
Now?
Mar 26, 2006
3:39 PM
why do i feel like part of me is missing
i walked around all day long in some sort of a daze
some sort of slow motion
like this is not really happening
but it is, and thats the reality of it all when i get in the truck to come home
the reality is that i should really be sleeping on the couch if i cant hold him in the bed
and i should take the ring off, but i wear it cuz i love him, which i still do so what now.
3:39 PM
why do i feel like part of me is missing
i walked around all day long in some sort of a daze
some sort of slow motion
like this is not really happening
but it is, and thats the reality of it all when i get in the truck to come home
the reality is that i should really be sleeping on the couch if i cant hold him in the bed
and i should take the ring off, but i wear it cuz i love him, which i still do so what now.
Still
Mar 26, 2006
5:45 AM
its hard, but i will wait for u
ill try to be patient while u figure it out
just know that u make me happy
and u could never make me miserable
ill be right here
i still love u
5:45 AM
its hard, but i will wait for u
ill try to be patient while u figure it out
just know that u make me happy
and u could never make me miserable
ill be right here
i still love u
u i love
Mar 25, 2006
6:43 PM
i luv u and i want to work out whatever is wrong
i want to get past this
i wish i could hold u right now
i wish i could smell ur skin while u lay next to me
i wish i could feel ur arms around me
i havent felt this way in a long time
u make me happier than i have ever been
u make me feel safe
i feel loved
i may not like all the bills and chaos
but i love u
and i couldnt imagine losing u
u mean everything to me
i love u with all my heart and i want u to know that
i want everyone to know that
thats why i wear the ring
to show the world that i want to be with u for the rest of my life
want to have a family and grow old together
i dont wear it cuz its pretty or fancy
i dont need lavish things
i dont need a fancy wedding
fuck the wedding
i want to be with u
thats all that matters
im sorry for everything i did and i dont want to lose u over me being stupid
i really do love u
lets work this out
6:43 PM
i luv u and i want to work out whatever is wrong
i want to get past this
i wish i could hold u right now
i wish i could smell ur skin while u lay next to me
i wish i could feel ur arms around me
i havent felt this way in a long time
u make me happier than i have ever been
u make me feel safe
i feel loved
i may not like all the bills and chaos
but i love u
and i couldnt imagine losing u
u mean everything to me
i love u with all my heart and i want u to know that
i want everyone to know that
thats why i wear the ring
to show the world that i want to be with u for the rest of my life
want to have a family and grow old together
i dont wear it cuz its pretty or fancy
i dont need lavish things
i dont need a fancy wedding
fuck the wedding
i want to be with u
thats all that matters
im sorry for everything i did and i dont want to lose u over me being stupid
i really do love u
lets work this out
There is no arizona
Mar 24, 2006
8:04 AM
i wish things were easy, i really do.
i dont know whats goin on in his head and i wish i did.
i know what i want and im just waiting for him to figure out what he wants.
i think i know what he has chosen though, i just feel it
its not the same at night sleeping, he doesnt touch me, lays almost as far away from me as he can.
he doesnt try to hold my hand in the car to reassure me that things are gonna work themselves out.
he hadnt tried to kiss me, and when he did this morning he went for my cheek.
he hasnt called me, even when he is hours late coming home and im worried if he is even coming home that night, its me that calls him, just to make sure he is still alive.
i put my hand on his leg in the car, hold him in bed in the morning, lay a little closer to him at night, and it feels like he doesnt care anymore.
how can i be losing someone i love so much
it hurts so much
ive spend 3 days straight crying, cuz im afraid of this outcome.
i hope he is just confused and hasnt made up his mind yet
8:04 AM
i wish things were easy, i really do.
i dont know whats goin on in his head and i wish i did.
i know what i want and im just waiting for him to figure out what he wants.
i think i know what he has chosen though, i just feel it
its not the same at night sleeping, he doesnt touch me, lays almost as far away from me as he can.
he doesnt try to hold my hand in the car to reassure me that things are gonna work themselves out.
he hadnt tried to kiss me, and when he did this morning he went for my cheek.
he hasnt called me, even when he is hours late coming home and im worried if he is even coming home that night, its me that calls him, just to make sure he is still alive.
i put my hand on his leg in the car, hold him in bed in the morning, lay a little closer to him at night, and it feels like he doesnt care anymore.
how can i be losing someone i love so much
it hurts so much
ive spend 3 days straight crying, cuz im afraid of this outcome.
i hope he is just confused and hasnt made up his mind yet
Happy
Feb 20, 2006
9:51 AM
im so happy,
i got to spend time with heather, and i havent done that in i dont know how long.
she came up for the 3 day weekend, and i know we didnt have a party or anything, but i think she had fun, well i hope she had fun.
i know she doesnt exactly like ron, but she is at least getting along with him and making it look like she can deal with the situation.
that makes me happy, that she can come up here to visit and its not a complete disaster.
9:51 AM
im so happy,
i got to spend time with heather, and i havent done that in i dont know how long.
she came up for the 3 day weekend, and i know we didnt have a party or anything, but i think she had fun, well i hope she had fun.
i know she doesnt exactly like ron, but she is at least getting along with him and making it look like she can deal with the situation.
that makes me happy, that she can come up here to visit and its not a complete disaster.
I dont think i have any...
Jan 22, 2006
9:54 PM
i dont think i have any stomach left
i know i had one yesterday, because i filled it full of plenty of alcohol. a whole 6 pack of smirnoffs to myself, and 4 shots of vodka, and an irish car bomb.
but after thismorning/afternoon... hell all fuckin day, i dont think its there anymore. and im pretty sure my throat is gone too, no wait i can feel how raw it is so i know its still there.
i guess i dont learn, but i only do it every couple months
its hella fun till the next day
and the upside is that i have now perfected the art of puking.
and now its time for bed and i bet that ill sleep good tonite
9:54 PM
i dont think i have any stomach left
i know i had one yesterday, because i filled it full of plenty of alcohol. a whole 6 pack of smirnoffs to myself, and 4 shots of vodka, and an irish car bomb.
but after thismorning/afternoon... hell all fuckin day, i dont think its there anymore. and im pretty sure my throat is gone too, no wait i can feel how raw it is so i know its still there.
i guess i dont learn, but i only do it every couple months
its hella fun till the next day
and the upside is that i have now perfected the art of puking.
and now its time for bed and i bet that ill sleep good tonite
Guess what
Jan 20, 2006
9:53 AM
im getting married
me and ron are getting married in june, hopefully the 17th. i picked that day but turns out we may neet to change it, but i hope not
my ring is hella cute, and i will take a pic soon and put it on here
im making up lists of guests and stuff
its quite soon so i need all the help i can get so if u have any ideas or would like to help then email me.
~rachel
9:53 AM
im getting married
me and ron are getting married in june, hopefully the 17th. i picked that day but turns out we may neet to change it, but i hope not
my ring is hella cute, and i will take a pic soon and put it on here
im making up lists of guests and stuff
its quite soon so i need all the help i can get so if u have any ideas or would like to help then email me.
~rachel
Sleep, or the lack of
Dec 24, 2005
2:19 PM
merry christmas
im gonna be driving all over the place for the next couple days, well not me, ron will be the one driving, lol.
last night we had to go see my mom, then we went to his moms house because it was his sisters birthday, and santa came over there to visit all the kids, and we didnt get home till after midnight
and today we both had to work at 8 in the morning, except for he called in because he is getting sick or something, all i know is that he feels like shit, so i got off at 1 and then tonite we have to go out to one of my aunts and have dinner
then tomorrow morning we have to go to another one of my aunts and have xmas morning with my grandparents and sister then when that is all done we will go to his moms sometime in the afternoon and stay there for xmas dinner and presents and stuff
so we will be on the road a whole lot and i feel bad because he is sick now
but the exciting part is that neither one of us have to work on monday, yay.
maybe we will get to sleep in haha ya right
2:19 PM
merry christmas
im gonna be driving all over the place for the next couple days, well not me, ron will be the one driving, lol.
last night we had to go see my mom, then we went to his moms house because it was his sisters birthday, and santa came over there to visit all the kids, and we didnt get home till after midnight
and today we both had to work at 8 in the morning, except for he called in because he is getting sick or something, all i know is that he feels like shit, so i got off at 1 and then tonite we have to go out to one of my aunts and have dinner
then tomorrow morning we have to go to another one of my aunts and have xmas morning with my grandparents and sister then when that is all done we will go to his moms sometime in the afternoon and stay there for xmas dinner and presents and stuff
so we will be on the road a whole lot and i feel bad because he is sick now
but the exciting part is that neither one of us have to work on monday, yay.
maybe we will get to sleep in haha ya right
NEW CAR
Dec 20, 2005
4:58 PM
guess what everyone i got a new car
its an 04 kia rio, black 4 door sedan.
its pretty kool
im so excited
the only not so exciting part is getting insurance.......... aaaaaaaaahhhhhh
4:58 PM
guess what everyone i got a new car
its an 04 kia rio, black 4 door sedan.
its pretty kool
im so excited
the only not so exciting part is getting insurance.......... aaaaaaaaahhhhhh
Have a holly jolly...
Dec 7, 2005
3:10 PM
for the last couple of years ive flet this way
every year it gets to be the first week of december and i hear ppl saying happy holidays and have a nice christmas, and i cant believe its already christmas time, it doesnt feel like it, it doesnt feel like anything except a cloudy rainy day that i have to go to work then come home and think of what i have to do lets see...
we have to pay rent, phone bill, electricity, cable, rent a center, rons tool trucks, my 4 maxed out credit card, the car we are still paying off, revenue recovery from sacramento county, oh and there are the little things like food so that we dont starve, and clean clothes so i dont look like white trash at work, and we have animals to feed, i mean we cant starve the cat.
and on top of all these wonderful bills and debt, were all supposed to be happy and put on a fake smile and go out and spend more money?
u know what i really want to do, stay home and get in my warm bed and cry myself to sleep and stay there for like 4 days, and mabye it would all be gone when i woke up.
3:10 PM
for the last couple of years ive flet this way
every year it gets to be the first week of december and i hear ppl saying happy holidays and have a nice christmas, and i cant believe its already christmas time, it doesnt feel like it, it doesnt feel like anything except a cloudy rainy day that i have to go to work then come home and think of what i have to do lets see...
we have to pay rent, phone bill, electricity, cable, rent a center, rons tool trucks, my 4 maxed out credit card, the car we are still paying off, revenue recovery from sacramento county, oh and there are the little things like food so that we dont starve, and clean clothes so i dont look like white trash at work, and we have animals to feed, i mean we cant starve the cat.
and on top of all these wonderful bills and debt, were all supposed to be happy and put on a fake smile and go out and spend more money?
u know what i really want to do, stay home and get in my warm bed and cry myself to sleep and stay there for like 4 days, and mabye it would all be gone when i woke up.
Day off
Nov 16, 2005
6:23 PM
well i started at petco on monday and tomorrow is my day off and i am so glad its here. since it is a brand new store we get to put up every single shelf, every peg, and label the entire store. yay, lucky us. i am so tired of carrying around shelves, but tomorrow........... i get to sleep in. omg it will be so nice. then i get to go to work on friday and play with doggy chew toys!
i know that prolly sounded hella stupid but im hella bored so... oh well.
6:23 PM
well i started at petco on monday and tomorrow is my day off and i am so glad its here. since it is a brand new store we get to put up every single shelf, every peg, and label the entire store. yay, lucky us. i am so tired of carrying around shelves, but tomorrow........... i get to sleep in. omg it will be so nice. then i get to go to work on friday and play with doggy chew toys!
i know that prolly sounded hella stupid but im hella bored so... oh well.
Birthday...
Nov 5, 2005
8:57 PM
well i got a call this afternoon with someone asking me if i knew why my sis would be visiting my parents. i was confused cuz i didnt know that heather had been in contact with them, and i knew they hadnt called me latley.
so i told him that it was prolly cuz of my dads bday. then i thought for a min and told him that it could have been for sammi's birthday, since no one got together for that.
then he told me that it couldnt be that cuz they already did that. now keep in mind that my mom dad or sammi or any other family member bothered to call me on my birthday... since they r on the same day...except heather, she tried and i thank her for that...
my parents had my number, i have had the same one since july and she called me on it before... and yet they only bothered to call heather and invite her to see sammi for her bday.
and since they didnt give me a phone number i couldnt even call my sis to wish her a happy birthday
they acted like i didnt even exist. they call her, but not me, not even on my birthday.
isnt that love
thanks mom
8:57 PM
well i got a call this afternoon with someone asking me if i knew why my sis would be visiting my parents. i was confused cuz i didnt know that heather had been in contact with them, and i knew they hadnt called me latley.
so i told him that it was prolly cuz of my dads bday. then i thought for a min and told him that it could have been for sammi's birthday, since no one got together for that.
then he told me that it couldnt be that cuz they already did that. now keep in mind that my mom dad or sammi or any other family member bothered to call me on my birthday... since they r on the same day...except heather, she tried and i thank her for that...
my parents had my number, i have had the same one since july and she called me on it before... and yet they only bothered to call heather and invite her to see sammi for her bday.
and since they didnt give me a phone number i couldnt even call my sis to wish her a happy birthday
they acted like i didnt even exist. they call her, but not me, not even on my birthday.
isnt that love
thanks mom
Not
Aug 8, 2005
10:37 AM
not like it really fuckin matters... not like anyones reading this... im just not anymore.. nothing is ... nothing i used to know used to cherish... nothings the same... but then again its not like any of it matters... i wonder if it ever did... did it?... do any of u know... your the one with that answer... would it matter if things were different ... if i wasnt to hollow... if i acted like i had a care in the world... if i acted as if i cared weither i live or die... if i had a goal or was going somewhere ... ?... would that change anything... would it make a fuckin bit of difference?...
is it worth faking everything?...
10:37 AM
not like it really fuckin matters... not like anyones reading this... im just not anymore.. nothing is ... nothing i used to know used to cherish... nothings the same... but then again its not like any of it matters... i wonder if it ever did... did it?... do any of u know... your the one with that answer... would it matter if things were different ... if i wasnt to hollow... if i acted like i had a care in the world... if i acted as if i cared weither i live or die... if i had a goal or was going somewhere ... ?... would that change anything... would it make a fuckin bit of difference?...
is it worth faking everything?...
Summer 2005
Jul 10, 2005
8:05 AM
well a lot has happened.. i got myself a summer job.. in reno, well actually its not in reno its 30 mins past reno in fernly... there is nothin to fuckin do there.. so i come to sac on the weekends and i end up in marysville.. you know why... well cuz rons there... and not everyone knows about him yet.. well he is my boyfriend... and we met a couple of weeks ago.. and now i see him on the weekends and its kinda hard.. but its worth it .. he is really nice and treats me right... well thats the big thing in my life right now.. im actually happy , i havent been happy in i dont know how long... its a nice feeling
8:05 AM
well a lot has happened.. i got myself a summer job.. in reno, well actually its not in reno its 30 mins past reno in fernly... there is nothin to fuckin do there.. so i come to sac on the weekends and i end up in marysville.. you know why... well cuz rons there... and not everyone knows about him yet.. well he is my boyfriend... and we met a couple of weeks ago.. and now i see him on the weekends and its kinda hard.. but its worth it .. he is really nice and treats me right... well thats the big thing in my life right now.. im actually happy , i havent been happy in i dont know how long... its a nice feeling
Inside
Jan 22, 2005
2:58 AM
the face i wear... the smile i don't have until i am within eyesight of someone... the reason i lie awake at night just thinking for hours at a time... i keep it hidden so it wont be the topic of discussion... when will i be able to have a smile for myself... when...
2:58 AM
the face i wear... the smile i don't have until i am within eyesight of someone... the reason i lie awake at night just thinking for hours at a time... i keep it hidden so it wont be the topic of discussion... when will i be able to have a smile for myself... when...
Soon
Dec 10, 2004
5:40 PM
i'm leaving on sunday... away from the annoyances...the stale smells...the broken dryer... i don't know what i would have done if it hadn't been for them... i cant even fathom the words to express my appreciation for what they have done for me... <3...
5:40 PM
i'm leaving on sunday... away from the annoyances...the stale smells...the broken dryer... i don't know what i would have done if it hadn't been for them... i cant even fathom the words to express my appreciation for what they have done for me... <3...
Peirced
Oct 9, 2004
11:30 AM
i now have a tongue piercing... i am so happy... Corena bought it for me... yay... its my birthday present... thanks Corena...luv ya... aight b...
11:30 AM
i now have a tongue piercing... i am so happy... Corena bought it for me... yay... its my birthday present... thanks Corena...luv ya... aight b...
Mistake...
Sep 11, 2004
9:38 PM
everyone has choices and everyone makes mistakes...was it a mistake or just a bad choice... or should it just be forgotten... pretend like it never happened...
9:38 PM
everyone has choices and everyone makes mistakes...was it a mistake or just a bad choice... or should it just be forgotten... pretend like it never happened...
Camping...
Aug 16, 2004
7:45 PM
i had so much fun...we camped on the beach and swam like everyday...and had a little steak and breakfast burritos with our meat bees...and damian had like 5 rock stars and had the shits....there was a scorpion in our bed...and i scared the shit out of damian the first night...and steve and andrea the second night...(sry bout the foot andy)...
and there is a first time for everything (thanks to steve)...and nena...it topped off the trip...
7:45 PM
i had so much fun...we camped on the beach and swam like everyday...and had a little steak and breakfast burritos with our meat bees...and damian had like 5 rock stars and had the shits....there was a scorpion in our bed...and i scared the shit out of damian the first night...and steve and andrea the second night...(sry bout the foot andy)...
and there is a first time for everything (thanks to steve)...and nena...it topped off the trip...
Take a gander at what this one should be called...
Aug 4, 2004
11:27 PM
for those of u who don't know about my escapade with my back...i had scoliosis...and i went in for surgery for it in September...and it was supposed to fix it all ...and i thought it did...life was good...but now...now...its all gone down the shitter...my back is giving me the fuckin middle finger...and there is nothing i can do about it...nothing...i have to live with this...live with the constant pain...every time i lie down...every time i stand up ...every time i do anything...anything at all...i have pain...simply existing causes me pain...the first thing i feel in the morning when i open my eyes...pain...the last thing i feel before i fall asleep...pain...even in the middle of the night ...i wake up in pain...and there is nothing i can do...except for living my life in a fake lala land of drugs...i choose not to do that...id rather have my eyes open to the horrid pile of flaming dog shit that is my life...now if u will excuse me i have to return my fake smile to my face so that no one sees my pain and saddness...
11:27 PM
for those of u who don't know about my escapade with my back...i had scoliosis...and i went in for surgery for it in September...and it was supposed to fix it all ...and i thought it did...life was good...but now...now...its all gone down the shitter...my back is giving me the fuckin middle finger...and there is nothing i can do about it...nothing...i have to live with this...live with the constant pain...every time i lie down...every time i stand up ...every time i do anything...anything at all...i have pain...simply existing causes me pain...the first thing i feel in the morning when i open my eyes...pain...the last thing i feel before i fall asleep...pain...even in the middle of the night ...i wake up in pain...and there is nothing i can do...except for living my life in a fake lala land of drugs...i choose not to do that...id rather have my eyes open to the horrid pile of flaming dog shit that is my life...now if u will excuse me i have to return my fake smile to my face so that no one sees my pain and saddness...
Insane
Jul 24, 2004
11:43 AM
i wonder what happens to the human brain to make it decay...what makes people go insane...is it just years of boredom...or is it way too many long years of drug use... stress...or is it all of the above...is it more diffficult11:43 AM on the insane...or the people in the vicinity of the insane...and u know what the funniest thing is...the insane don't know their insane...they just live their happy little lives thinking that they are right and the whole world is wrong they think that everyone else is hiding cups and glasses under their beds...if only they knew how insane they really are...but they'll never know...never know...
11:43 AM
i wonder what happens to the human brain to make it decay...what makes people go insane...is it just years of boredom...or is it way too many long years of drug use... stress...or is it all of the above...is it more diffficult11:43 AM on the insane...or the people in the vicinity of the insane...and u know what the funniest thing is...the insane don't know their insane...they just live their happy little lives thinking that they are right and the whole world is wrong they think that everyone else is hiding cups and glasses under their beds...if only they knew how insane they really are...but they'll never know...never know...
The house
Jul 21, 2004
last night i was thinking...and the house i used to live in popped into my head... i hated that house when i lived there...i really did...but now that its gone i really miss it... i really do...i felt at home there...i felt comforted...i didn't feel out of place...but here where i am now...i feel so vulnerable... it just feels wrong...like this isn't where we are supposed to be...that wasn't just a house we lost...it was our home...that was what held our family together... i know it sounds stupid...but now...after we lost the house...the biggest thing in our lives...nobody cares anymore...nobody...now its just so cold...all we do is sit around...there is no happiness...there's no love...its all gone...maybe its all still in that house...its somewhere...but its not where it should be...
last night i was thinking...and the house i used to live in popped into my head... i hated that house when i lived there...i really did...but now that its gone i really miss it... i really do...i felt at home there...i felt comforted...i didn't feel out of place...but here where i am now...i feel so vulnerable... it just feels wrong...like this isn't where we are supposed to be...that wasn't just a house we lost...it was our home...that was what held our family together... i know it sounds stupid...but now...after we lost the house...the biggest thing in our lives...nobody cares anymore...nobody...now its just so cold...all we do is sit around...there is no happiness...there's no love...its all gone...maybe its all still in that house...its somewhere...but its not where it should be...
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