Every time

Aug 1, 2006
8:11 PM

i absolutley fucking hate my mother.
i hate who she used to be, i hate who she is, and who she will always be.
i hate everything she sias, and the tone she sais it it, i hate that every time i call her she makes me feel like shit.
i hate what she has done to our family, and i especially hate what she has done to my sisters.

simply being on the phone with her or seing her causes me pain, in so many ways. the physical pain that comes from crying on the phone, and pain in every muscle i use to restrain myself from saying something rude and uncalled for. (after all she is my mother, no matter what she has done). the pain i feel when i remember time spent with her and what we all went through. the pain i have for my sisters, wondering what is left for them, wondering how all this will affect them (i know its fuckin lovely for me). and i actually feel pain for her, and even my father, i cant imagine how they can live the way they do and have to look at their life every day, have to think of where their kids are, and what has happened to their life.

just to look at them or think of how they live makes me sad. it makes me sad that i have moved on and made the decision to leave them behind, and not let them drag me down. im asuming heather is trying to do the same, and i hope she is successful, more successfull than me. my mother really cant understand why no one wants to associate with her, cant understand why her children want to make another life of thier own and forget about her, forget about everythign that makes them want to cry. why is it so hard to understand that you cant help your children, you cant do anything but bring them more pain and sadness? why doesnt she see that? why doesnt she care that every time i get off the phone with her i cry? why?