Its a wonderful life

Jun 13, 2006
8:04 PM

can anyone tell me why i have the life i have?

can anyone tell me why i dont have anyone worth calling on mothers day or fathers day? why my sister is living in a crowded house and is lucky to have a bed to call her own let alone her own room? or why i am sleeping in a dining room?

i added it up today, ten thousand dollars is racked up on my name. i cant beleive i let that happen, but it was all in the pursuit of happiness. and i was happy for a second. thats how it always goes. i feel content, comfortable, or even miraculously happy. then it all gets shot to hell. like i dont deserve to be happy. i dont work to have money or have fun, i dont even work to live, i simply work to pay off what i owe because of my own stupidity. i was stupid to think that i could actually be happy, i guess im just one of those gullible people. i live for the dream of one day being part of a family and owning a home with every room painted a different color, and a few kids running in and out of the house, to me thats so perfect. not like i will ever get there. i dont know what happens, but whatever i make of my own seems to dissapear right in front of my eyes. and all i can do is watch it go.

i dont have anything to call my own ezcept the two suitcases in my room, got to keep my posessions to a minimum when i keep moving all over the place, u know i havent even unpacked. besides the fact that i have no where to put anything cuz i dont have a dresser, i dont think i could unpack it all cuz i would wonder when i am gonna have to pack it up again.

i am one step away from being nothing. my parents are nothing, and i tried my hardest not to be like them, wanted so much to make something of myself, and look at me. what do i have? who am i? i am not someone capable of being loved and i am not someone to be looked up to. i have two sisters that have nothing in the world but me and they cant even look up to me and try to be like me. i have nothing to offer them or anyone else.