Mar 20, 2010 1:20 PM
..I feel so upside down, backwards, and inside out right now.
I feel less depressed than I did a few weeks ago. But now my mind is just going crazy.
I'm being pulled in so many different directions. I'm confused about myself and the people around me. One minute I feel loved and life is perfect, then the next I'm alone and everything is wrong.
Is everything really wrong, with enough good days just often enough to make it ok.
Or is everything ok and I'm making everything wrong all the time.
I really don't know.
All I know is I spend more time worrying, crying, or feeling sick, than I do being genuinely happy these days.
I applied for medical over the phone today. I'm pretty sure I need some real help.
Monday, August 8, 2011
What to do
Feb 10, 2010 1:16 AM
I thought I was confused about my life before. Jesus.
I don't have any sort of direction, or any specific goals. And I don't know what to do, cuz I'm afraid of making the wrong decisions. I mean, look at my track record so far...
I need a better job so I can be independent. And to do that I probably need to go to school. I just don't know what to go to school for, or what I can really do in a timely manner while still working. I need to get my lisence, which means I have to learn to drive the suburban I bought. The fucking thing scares me since I almost killed myself in it. And most of all I need to distance myself from Mike. Thats the hard one, because to get to that I have to do everything else before it.
I love Mike with all of my heart. And I probably always will no matter what happens. But, this arrangement, its killing me. It hurts so much. Im mad at him, and I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at him for wanting everything his way, and I'm mad at myself for allowing it. He wants to have me in his life, but not be committed to me, to be free to talk to bitches the way he wants and see him how he wants. Those two just don't go together. I feel like shit that I'm letting him do this to me because I want him around. But its no good, cuz he's not really mine. Its all a sham. If he really loved me the way he sais he does he would be with me. I'm just not enough to keep him happy, and after a year of trying out this situation, I'm begginning to wonder if I ever will be enough. Will I always have to worry who he's talking to and what he's really saying to them? Will he ever be able to be with just be and be truly happy? I'm scared I'm holding out for something that will never come. How long am I supposed to be around him and watch or know what he does?
I wanted to set a time limit on how long I should do this. I wanted to give it a year, if we sign this lease, then that would be perfect. Another year for him to sort out what he needs. A year for me to get my shit together. And then when that year is over, if he doesn't want to be with me, then I go my own way. Sounds simple right? But what is this next year gonna be like? Can I really do it? I'm getting fed up with it already. I'm feeling used. I'm hurt all the time. I'm jelous even though I'm not supposed to be and I'm supposed to keep it to myself. And he seems to have a double standard about whats allowed.
I'm torn. I love him and I want to be with him. But he doesn't love me the same way. And I feel like I'm betraying myself by letting this happen the way it is. What am I supposed to do?
I thought I was confused about my life before. Jesus.
I don't have any sort of direction, or any specific goals. And I don't know what to do, cuz I'm afraid of making the wrong decisions. I mean, look at my track record so far...
I need a better job so I can be independent. And to do that I probably need to go to school. I just don't know what to go to school for, or what I can really do in a timely manner while still working. I need to get my lisence, which means I have to learn to drive the suburban I bought. The fucking thing scares me since I almost killed myself in it. And most of all I need to distance myself from Mike. Thats the hard one, because to get to that I have to do everything else before it.
I love Mike with all of my heart. And I probably always will no matter what happens. But, this arrangement, its killing me. It hurts so much. Im mad at him, and I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at him for wanting everything his way, and I'm mad at myself for allowing it. He wants to have me in his life, but not be committed to me, to be free to talk to bitches the way he wants and see him how he wants. Those two just don't go together. I feel like shit that I'm letting him do this to me because I want him around. But its no good, cuz he's not really mine. Its all a sham. If he really loved me the way he sais he does he would be with me. I'm just not enough to keep him happy, and after a year of trying out this situation, I'm begginning to wonder if I ever will be enough. Will I always have to worry who he's talking to and what he's really saying to them? Will he ever be able to be with just be and be truly happy? I'm scared I'm holding out for something that will never come. How long am I supposed to be around him and watch or know what he does?
I wanted to set a time limit on how long I should do this. I wanted to give it a year, if we sign this lease, then that would be perfect. Another year for him to sort out what he needs. A year for me to get my shit together. And then when that year is over, if he doesn't want to be with me, then I go my own way. Sounds simple right? But what is this next year gonna be like? Can I really do it? I'm getting fed up with it already. I'm feeling used. I'm hurt all the time. I'm jelous even though I'm not supposed to be and I'm supposed to keep it to myself. And he seems to have a double standard about whats allowed.
I'm torn. I love him and I want to be with him. But he doesn't love me the same way. And I feel like I'm betraying myself by letting this happen the way it is. What am I supposed to do?
Love.
Aug 13, 2009 11:57 PM
The way you tell me you love me, and for the most part, the way I tell you I love you.
It sounds so simple. So comfortable.
As much as I love you, and have loved you for years now, I never really understood it all until now.
I still remember the first time I ever told you. The emotions washing over me, the tears rolling down my cheeks. It was some mixture of intense happiness, clarity, and fear all in one. And I can honestly say I had never been that overwhelmed by love ever before in my life.
Now, I don't love you any less, not at all. But it's changed, grown, and I understand it more. I always thought if you loved someone, that meant you would do ANYTHING for them. But I don't think I really ever thought about what 'anything' meant, didn't understand the depth that phrase had. I never really had any good role models to show me what love really meant, and this is me figuring it out as I go I guess.
I understand now that I love you more than anything else in this world. And I would really do anything for you. Even when I swore I hated you, it was really more me trying to convince myself to hate you, and I see that now. Hell, I had to sleep diagonal on my bed just to get through the nights, cuz just laying there alone felt wrong. But when I talked to you or anyone else, I hated you. It was all lies.
I want you. I want you beside me forever and ever. I want to be able to hold you whenever I want. Even now I can still feel energy when I hug you, when I lay on your chest, there's just something different when out bodies come together. I know exactly what I want, and I'm not scared of it at all.
But you. Honestly I think that you know that we are supposed to be together. You know that we should be married and that I'm the one you will love forever will all your heart. But, those thoughts scare the hell out of you, and you're not ready for them. And I understand that.
I love you so much. And I want you to be mine so bad. But above that, I want you to be happy. If this is what makes you happy right now then so be it. I don't want to pressure you into anything that is going to make you unhappy now, or in the long run. And if what I feel is true, then someday you'll come back to me. Someday things will all work out. Someday we'll get married, and I'll get to wake up to you beside me every morning for the rest of my life.
But for now, this works. It's not the best it could be, but I'm ok, I'm just glad to have you in my life. I love you with all my heart, and I'm pretty sure that'll never change.
The way you tell me you love me, and for the most part, the way I tell you I love you.
It sounds so simple. So comfortable.
As much as I love you, and have loved you for years now, I never really understood it all until now.
I still remember the first time I ever told you. The emotions washing over me, the tears rolling down my cheeks. It was some mixture of intense happiness, clarity, and fear all in one. And I can honestly say I had never been that overwhelmed by love ever before in my life.
Now, I don't love you any less, not at all. But it's changed, grown, and I understand it more. I always thought if you loved someone, that meant you would do ANYTHING for them. But I don't think I really ever thought about what 'anything' meant, didn't understand the depth that phrase had. I never really had any good role models to show me what love really meant, and this is me figuring it out as I go I guess.
I understand now that I love you more than anything else in this world. And I would really do anything for you. Even when I swore I hated you, it was really more me trying to convince myself to hate you, and I see that now. Hell, I had to sleep diagonal on my bed just to get through the nights, cuz just laying there alone felt wrong. But when I talked to you or anyone else, I hated you. It was all lies.
I want you. I want you beside me forever and ever. I want to be able to hold you whenever I want. Even now I can still feel energy when I hug you, when I lay on your chest, there's just something different when out bodies come together. I know exactly what I want, and I'm not scared of it at all.
But you. Honestly I think that you know that we are supposed to be together. You know that we should be married and that I'm the one you will love forever will all your heart. But, those thoughts scare the hell out of you, and you're not ready for them. And I understand that.
I love you so much. And I want you to be mine so bad. But above that, I want you to be happy. If this is what makes you happy right now then so be it. I don't want to pressure you into anything that is going to make you unhappy now, or in the long run. And if what I feel is true, then someday you'll come back to me. Someday things will all work out. Someday we'll get married, and I'll get to wake up to you beside me every morning for the rest of my life.
But for now, this works. It's not the best it could be, but I'm ok, I'm just glad to have you in my life. I love you with all my heart, and I'm pretty sure that'll never change.
The puzzle peice doesn't fit
Jul 18, 2009 10:52 PM
I really thought I belonged.
Thought I found people who care about me enough to consider family.
But I guess it wasn't what I thought it was.
I know how far from normal it is or we are, but it fit. It made me feel like I fit somewhere in this world. You know that backup plan, that rock, the love of parents that everyone has, you all take it for granted. And I latched onto someone accepting of giving me what I craved, a family.
There was two people in this world who had never fucked me over, hurt me, or walked away from me. You and James. Now there's only one.
Since I am be a daughter, but I'm surely not yours, where do I fit now?
I really thought I belonged.
Thought I found people who care about me enough to consider family.
But I guess it wasn't what I thought it was.
I know how far from normal it is or we are, but it fit. It made me feel like I fit somewhere in this world. You know that backup plan, that rock, the love of parents that everyone has, you all take it for granted. And I latched onto someone accepting of giving me what I craved, a family.
There was two people in this world who had never fucked me over, hurt me, or walked away from me. You and James. Now there's only one.
Since I am be a daughter, but I'm surely not yours, where do I fit now?
Happy Mess
Jun 15, 2009 3:50 PM
Remember that time that I made you so mad
Last week right ha ha you know that
It's not like it's all that rare
So put it here and let me cherish the embarrassment
I realize I've been a dick head yes
And I respect how you question your investments
I take the blame but it ain't to be impressive
It feels like a cop out to label it lessons
I've been though the rain but I've put other people through a hurricane just to work the game
Some time I swim through so much shame
I think my little man's blessed that he didn't get my last name
And here you are right in front of me offering it all like tell me what you want from me
I wanna love you today and forever
Let me clear my through and rub my wings together
It goes: I'm not perfect but I'm this that and this
My hands are dirty and I'm this that and this
You've been searching for this that and this
Let's break the surface and make a little happy mess
Whoo girl, you're the most beautiful thing I've seen
Enticing, exciting
Even the sound of your voice gotta nice ring
Ya seem like the type that might help me tighten up my pipe dreams
We can keep digging through this dirt
Team up, you and I against the universe
Think about it, What cha say to your self
You can wear my cape and I can play with your belt
The truth is there now
Stand with me, look into that mirror now
And tell me you don't see the same image
Gonna be a brand name day once the rain is finished
It goes: I'm not perfect but I'm this that and this
My hands are dirty and I'm this that and this
You've been searching for this that and this
Let's break the surface and make a little happy mess
I can't believe she got me on a ball and chain
It's not a complaint, I appreciate it
For all the dumb mistakes I make I'm surprised baby girl ain't threw me away
I never meant to hurt no one, I just want to stay productive till the work is done
I dance to a certain drum, but when I fell off beat you didn't turn and run, no
You see me at my lowest moments
You gave me sight when I had broken focus
With a smile that opens up like a rose does
Even when it all seemed so fucking hopeless
And here you are right in front of me
Offering it all like tell me what you want from me
I want to thank you today and forever
Let's make a little happy mess together
You know
It goes: I'm not perfect but I'm this that and this
My hands are dirty and I'm this that and this
You've been searching for this that and this
Let's break the surface and make a little happy mess
~Atmosphere~
Remember that time that I made you so mad
Last week right ha ha you know that
It's not like it's all that rare
So put it here and let me cherish the embarrassment
I realize I've been a dick head yes
And I respect how you question your investments
I take the blame but it ain't to be impressive
It feels like a cop out to label it lessons
I've been though the rain but I've put other people through a hurricane just to work the game
Some time I swim through so much shame
I think my little man's blessed that he didn't get my last name
And here you are right in front of me offering it all like tell me what you want from me
I wanna love you today and forever
Let me clear my through and rub my wings together
It goes: I'm not perfect but I'm this that and this
My hands are dirty and I'm this that and this
You've been searching for this that and this
Let's break the surface and make a little happy mess
Whoo girl, you're the most beautiful thing I've seen
Enticing, exciting
Even the sound of your voice gotta nice ring
Ya seem like the type that might help me tighten up my pipe dreams
We can keep digging through this dirt
Team up, you and I against the universe
Think about it, What cha say to your self
You can wear my cape and I can play with your belt
The truth is there now
Stand with me, look into that mirror now
And tell me you don't see the same image
Gonna be a brand name day once the rain is finished
It goes: I'm not perfect but I'm this that and this
My hands are dirty and I'm this that and this
You've been searching for this that and this
Let's break the surface and make a little happy mess
I can't believe she got me on a ball and chain
It's not a complaint, I appreciate it
For all the dumb mistakes I make I'm surprised baby girl ain't threw me away
I never meant to hurt no one, I just want to stay productive till the work is done
I dance to a certain drum, but when I fell off beat you didn't turn and run, no
You see me at my lowest moments
You gave me sight when I had broken focus
With a smile that opens up like a rose does
Even when it all seemed so fucking hopeless
And here you are right in front of me
Offering it all like tell me what you want from me
I want to thank you today and forever
Let's make a little happy mess together
You know
It goes: I'm not perfect but I'm this that and this
My hands are dirty and I'm this that and this
You've been searching for this that and this
Let's break the surface and make a little happy mess
~Atmosphere~
Was it really too much
Jun 1, 2009 9:44 PM
As I sit here crying I try to think of what the hell just happened.
I've been scared and I finally realized why. I finally felt like I figured it out.
We're supposed to be completely honest with eachother.
So I told you.
Told you that I want this. I want this with you.
I have always seen you as the father of my kids, as an awesome dad.
But after everything that has happened. I just don't know if I can trust you will be there through everything that this commitment will need.
Bieng with me, having that title is too much commitment and responsibility. Too much being tied down to something. You hated me for manipulating you into a form of yourself you didn't even recognize. You hated that you worked all the time and never got to spend your money the way you wanted. You were so angry for being trapped in the serious relationship with me.
Having a kid, its so much more than having a relationship with someone else. It takes so much maturity, commitment, responsibility. It takes everything that you didn't want with me.
Its hare for me to grasp, let alone trust. And all I wanted was for you to do something, talk to me, write to me, show me something that came from your heart. Something that would make me believe 100 percent that I woudln't be in this alone. That whatever happens you would always be there for your kid.
I'm sorry that this hurts you, that wasn't my intention. I knew it might be hard to take, but I didn't realize you would be this upset. I wasn't trying to accuse you, and I'm sorry thats the way it came across.
Think of how I feel too right now. THis is a life changing event. Yes I want a child, I would love that kid to death, its everyting I've wanted for a while. And yes I want it with you, becasue I feel that you would be an amazing dad and I love you. But I'm scared shitless. All I wanted you to do was promise me that you would never ever walk away from our child, in some way. To show me that with our past things went shitty, and life is uncertain, but with this I could 100 percent trust you.
As I sit here crying I try to think of what the hell just happened.
I've been scared and I finally realized why. I finally felt like I figured it out.
We're supposed to be completely honest with eachother.
So I told you.
Told you that I want this. I want this with you.
I have always seen you as the father of my kids, as an awesome dad.
But after everything that has happened. I just don't know if I can trust you will be there through everything that this commitment will need.
Bieng with me, having that title is too much commitment and responsibility. Too much being tied down to something. You hated me for manipulating you into a form of yourself you didn't even recognize. You hated that you worked all the time and never got to spend your money the way you wanted. You were so angry for being trapped in the serious relationship with me.
Having a kid, its so much more than having a relationship with someone else. It takes so much maturity, commitment, responsibility. It takes everything that you didn't want with me.
Its hare for me to grasp, let alone trust. And all I wanted was for you to do something, talk to me, write to me, show me something that came from your heart. Something that would make me believe 100 percent that I woudln't be in this alone. That whatever happens you would always be there for your kid.
I'm sorry that this hurts you, that wasn't my intention. I knew it might be hard to take, but I didn't realize you would be this upset. I wasn't trying to accuse you, and I'm sorry thats the way it came across.
Think of how I feel too right now. THis is a life changing event. Yes I want a child, I would love that kid to death, its everyting I've wanted for a while. And yes I want it with you, becasue I feel that you would be an amazing dad and I love you. But I'm scared shitless. All I wanted you to do was promise me that you would never ever walk away from our child, in some way. To show me that with our past things went shitty, and life is uncertain, but with this I could 100 percent trust you.
It was all for nothing
May 18, 2009 9:31 AM
You fell for me? You loved me more than you ever wanted to? If that was true, we wouldn't be here, and you woudln't have said such horrible things about me.
You can say whatever you want to say, deny whatever you want to deny. It doesn't mean anything, your word means nothing to me anymore.
We both were never entirely honest with eachother. You were never completely faithful, and for that I never completely trusted you. You lied to me, and hid things from me repeatedly, and so I don't believe things you say.
I wish I never met you, and we never dated. I wish I never fell in love with you, and never shared my life with you. I wish you would have left me for Ovens. I wish you would have cut bait and ran, before I realized how much I really did love you. I don't know where I would be right now, but I'm sure it would be somewhere better than hearing the man I loved, and supposedly he loved me, say that he was disgusted with me because I'm a nasty bitch the entire two years we were together.
This is the one and only time in my life I have ever regreted anything, and its you.
You fell for me? You loved me more than you ever wanted to? If that was true, we wouldn't be here, and you woudln't have said such horrible things about me.
You can say whatever you want to say, deny whatever you want to deny. It doesn't mean anything, your word means nothing to me anymore.
We both were never entirely honest with eachother. You were never completely faithful, and for that I never completely trusted you. You lied to me, and hid things from me repeatedly, and so I don't believe things you say.
I wish I never met you, and we never dated. I wish I never fell in love with you, and never shared my life with you. I wish you would have left me for Ovens. I wish you would have cut bait and ran, before I realized how much I really did love you. I don't know where I would be right now, but I'm sure it would be somewhere better than hearing the man I loved, and supposedly he loved me, say that he was disgusted with me because I'm a nasty bitch the entire two years we were together.
This is the one and only time in my life I have ever regreted anything, and its you.
It hurts
May 11, 2009 9:12 PM
It hurts
All of this hurts so bad. You're only a phone call or text away. But I can't just do that anymore. In my heart you are mine, I still love you so much. And it hurts me to think of you and another woman, or me with another guy. It hurts me to hate you, and it hurts me to be friends with you. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'm fine one minute, then the next I feel empty inside. One second I understand what you need and are going through, the next I don't get any of it.
I have no right answers. I can't find my footing. I'm so lost, I don't even know what way is up anymore, and I miss you.
It hurts
All of this hurts so bad. You're only a phone call or text away. But I can't just do that anymore. In my heart you are mine, I still love you so much. And it hurts me to think of you and another woman, or me with another guy. It hurts me to hate you, and it hurts me to be friends with you. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'm fine one minute, then the next I feel empty inside. One second I understand what you need and are going through, the next I don't get any of it.
I have no right answers. I can't find my footing. I'm so lost, I don't even know what way is up anymore, and I miss you.
Stupid rant
May 4, 2009 1:41 PM
I guess I'm lucky I got a new bedset, at least my sheets dont smell like you this time. I don't have to smell you fresh out of the shower. I don't have very many waves of painful memories from seeing your things everywhere.
Thats how I want it. I want every piece of you gone. I don't want to break into tears when I see something that reminds me of you or what used to be. Thats why I left my ipod, I don't want something that is engraved with what it has on it. I actually just remembered our engraved christmas ornaments this morning, I'll probably avoid that box until I open it up at christmas time.
I officially missed you last night. As angry and confused as I am, I still missed you. And it sucked. I don't want to be weak. I shoudln't miss you with how you have hurt me. But I can't make it stop.
It was wrong to get back together. Everything was fine, it hurt both of us, but there wasn't this anger. Getting back together gave us both a chance to destroy everything, to make everything worse. I said yes because I love you and I want you so bad it makes me sick. But its wrong. Its wrong because I'm not what you want right now, and that makes this impossible.
We have been on differnet pages for a long time now. What I want and need to be happy, is different from what you want and need to be happy.
I want someone that I can share every aspect of my life with, a partner for life, a soul mate. Someone who loves and understands me better than I do myself. Someone who is completely happy with me being the only woman in his life. Someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me and never leave me. I want a house, a family, a life. I do miss the single life, the attention, the sex, but it even doens't compare to the happiness I got from loving you. With all the fights and all the shit we went through together, it was still the happiest two years of my life.
You, I don't even know what you want anymore. I tried to talk to you so many times about what you want, and every time it was different. At one point you told me that you wanted to be with me in the future, like 5 years down the line. You said you knew you wanted to be with me and have a family, just not right now. You wanted to live a free life right now so you didn't miss out on anything when you looked back on your life. You said you loved me. You said you still wanted to be my rock, you still wanted to be in my life. You wanted to help me get to school, be someone I could talk to. You said I could take certain things in the split last time. When we got back together and had makeup sex, it was amazing. I asked you after if you were ok with only being with me, and not haivng the freedom to be with others, and you said yes. At that moment I thought it would all work out. I thought that I made you happy, why else would you have come back to me? But now everythings upside down. You have so much anger towards me. Everything you told me has changed. You don't want to help me with school, you don't wnat to be there for me to talk to, and I wasn't enough to keep you sexually fulfilled. Either everything you told me was a lie, or something happened to make you hate me. You said such horrible things to me, did such horrible things behind my back, and put horrible things in front of my face. What did I do to you to deserve this? When did you stop loving me? And why do you hate me so much that you have no problems delibratley hurting me?
I tried to make this work, but I guess it wasn't good enough, I didn't move fast enough for you. I loved you and what we had too much to just let go of it all at the drop of a hat, I'm sorry.
And in the end all I wanted was to come get my stuff, and be gone, be out of your life just like you wanted. I wanted it over with, I wanted to walk away from it all and never look back. And you wouldn't even let me come get my stuff, kept putting it off, not scheduling me a time. I called your mom because I thougth it might make things easier if you were too busy, she could supervise me. Why did you want to drag it out? Why not take 20 minutes out of your day, in exchange for never having to deal with me again? I am not interested in playing games, the drama, the bullshit, I just wanted a clean break. We give our shit back to eachother, break all ties, and never talk to eachother again, simple concept.
I wish things were simple, life was simple. I'm tired. Tired of fighting, and tired of fake happiness. I don't know if true love even exists. I so thought you were the one for me. I felt a connection with you that I have never felt with another person, not my sisters, not anyone. But what I feel hasn't mattered in a long time, and now you're gone, half of me is gone.
I guess I'm lucky I got a new bedset, at least my sheets dont smell like you this time. I don't have to smell you fresh out of the shower. I don't have very many waves of painful memories from seeing your things everywhere.
Thats how I want it. I want every piece of you gone. I don't want to break into tears when I see something that reminds me of you or what used to be. Thats why I left my ipod, I don't want something that is engraved with what it has on it. I actually just remembered our engraved christmas ornaments this morning, I'll probably avoid that box until I open it up at christmas time.
I officially missed you last night. As angry and confused as I am, I still missed you. And it sucked. I don't want to be weak. I shoudln't miss you with how you have hurt me. But I can't make it stop.
It was wrong to get back together. Everything was fine, it hurt both of us, but there wasn't this anger. Getting back together gave us both a chance to destroy everything, to make everything worse. I said yes because I love you and I want you so bad it makes me sick. But its wrong. Its wrong because I'm not what you want right now, and that makes this impossible.
We have been on differnet pages for a long time now. What I want and need to be happy, is different from what you want and need to be happy.
I want someone that I can share every aspect of my life with, a partner for life, a soul mate. Someone who loves and understands me better than I do myself. Someone who is completely happy with me being the only woman in his life. Someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me and never leave me. I want a house, a family, a life. I do miss the single life, the attention, the sex, but it even doens't compare to the happiness I got from loving you. With all the fights and all the shit we went through together, it was still the happiest two years of my life.
You, I don't even know what you want anymore. I tried to talk to you so many times about what you want, and every time it was different. At one point you told me that you wanted to be with me in the future, like 5 years down the line. You said you knew you wanted to be with me and have a family, just not right now. You wanted to live a free life right now so you didn't miss out on anything when you looked back on your life. You said you loved me. You said you still wanted to be my rock, you still wanted to be in my life. You wanted to help me get to school, be someone I could talk to. You said I could take certain things in the split last time. When we got back together and had makeup sex, it was amazing. I asked you after if you were ok with only being with me, and not haivng the freedom to be with others, and you said yes. At that moment I thought it would all work out. I thought that I made you happy, why else would you have come back to me? But now everythings upside down. You have so much anger towards me. Everything you told me has changed. You don't want to help me with school, you don't wnat to be there for me to talk to, and I wasn't enough to keep you sexually fulfilled. Either everything you told me was a lie, or something happened to make you hate me. You said such horrible things to me, did such horrible things behind my back, and put horrible things in front of my face. What did I do to you to deserve this? When did you stop loving me? And why do you hate me so much that you have no problems delibratley hurting me?
I tried to make this work, but I guess it wasn't good enough, I didn't move fast enough for you. I loved you and what we had too much to just let go of it all at the drop of a hat, I'm sorry.
And in the end all I wanted was to come get my stuff, and be gone, be out of your life just like you wanted. I wanted it over with, I wanted to walk away from it all and never look back. And you wouldn't even let me come get my stuff, kept putting it off, not scheduling me a time. I called your mom because I thougth it might make things easier if you were too busy, she could supervise me. Why did you want to drag it out? Why not take 20 minutes out of your day, in exchange for never having to deal with me again? I am not interested in playing games, the drama, the bullshit, I just wanted a clean break. We give our shit back to eachother, break all ties, and never talk to eachother again, simple concept.
I wish things were simple, life was simple. I'm tired. Tired of fighting, and tired of fake happiness. I don't know if true love even exists. I so thought you were the one for me. I felt a connection with you that I have never felt with another person, not my sisters, not anyone. But what I feel hasn't mattered in a long time, and now you're gone, half of me is gone.
Memories
Mar 14, 2009
1:26 PM
I find that I cant even be in the same room with you, because all I want is to hold you and make this whole mess just disappear. It hurts me to see you, or smell you after a shower, to be so close to you yet so far away and torn. You are my rock, and now you're gone, and I'm in pain and lost.
I don't want this, I so don't want this. I wanna take it all back. I wanna pretend everything is fine just so I can be close to you. I want you to hold me, I want you to kiss me, I want what we used to have. I don't know exactly where it all started to go wrong, but I want to go back to before that, and I want to stay there forever. Where we were both happy and in love.
I know you are the one for me, I've known it for a long time, I've just been afraid of it. Because of this exact thing. I feared loving you, accepting all my feelings, because I feared losing everything. This always happens, its just my life. You told me so many times you weren't going anywhere, you would never hurt me. You knew what I had been through and you tried like hell to get me to open up. Now you know why I have issues, walls, emotional episodes. Because every time I'm not wearing my armor i get stabbed. It never fails. This was no different. I was happy for a while, then life just falls apart underneath my feet.
You are the best thing that has happened to me. You have pushed me to do better for myself. And I think alot of that will come into play now, I'm a little better at standing on my own two feet now I think, I hope. I know I will never find someone as amazing as you. I could search for yars and years and never come close.
I want you to know I am not givnig up on this because I don't want to be with you. I'm doing this because of how much I really do love you. When we got together I thought that we both wanted the same things. But somewhere along the line you changed your mind, or it just got to serious or something. Maybe we wern't really supposed to meet yet, maybe it was supposed to be years from now. Idk. All I know is that for multiple reasons, being in a relationship with me, no matter how much I love you, all it does is hurt you. And thats the last thing I want to do. Ive done too much of it already. I want to be with you and I want us to be happy together, but above that, I want you to be happy. And letting you go is the only way to do that. Trying to make this work, trying to be happy together, its just forcing the situation and making it worse.
Yes this will hurt me, probably scar me for a long time. But in time I will move past it. I will learn to love again the same way you taught me when we got together. You will have fun, you'll be able to life a full life, and have plenty of memories to look back on when you're 40. I will love you for a while, but time apart makes love fade, no matter what anyone says. You say you want to be with me in the end, its not that I don't believe that you want that, but at this point, I'll believe it when I see it. I won't hold back or wait for you, I'm going to do my best to get over you and move on. But have no doubt what you have said to me will always be in the back of my mind, I'll never forget you, you'll always have a place in my heart, and I'll always wonder if you'll ever come back to me.
1:26 PM
I find that I cant even be in the same room with you, because all I want is to hold you and make this whole mess just disappear. It hurts me to see you, or smell you after a shower, to be so close to you yet so far away and torn. You are my rock, and now you're gone, and I'm in pain and lost.
I don't want this, I so don't want this. I wanna take it all back. I wanna pretend everything is fine just so I can be close to you. I want you to hold me, I want you to kiss me, I want what we used to have. I don't know exactly where it all started to go wrong, but I want to go back to before that, and I want to stay there forever. Where we were both happy and in love.
I know you are the one for me, I've known it for a long time, I've just been afraid of it. Because of this exact thing. I feared loving you, accepting all my feelings, because I feared losing everything. This always happens, its just my life. You told me so many times you weren't going anywhere, you would never hurt me. You knew what I had been through and you tried like hell to get me to open up. Now you know why I have issues, walls, emotional episodes. Because every time I'm not wearing my armor i get stabbed. It never fails. This was no different. I was happy for a while, then life just falls apart underneath my feet.
You are the best thing that has happened to me. You have pushed me to do better for myself. And I think alot of that will come into play now, I'm a little better at standing on my own two feet now I think, I hope. I know I will never find someone as amazing as you. I could search for yars and years and never come close.
I want you to know I am not givnig up on this because I don't want to be with you. I'm doing this because of how much I really do love you. When we got together I thought that we both wanted the same things. But somewhere along the line you changed your mind, or it just got to serious or something. Maybe we wern't really supposed to meet yet, maybe it was supposed to be years from now. Idk. All I know is that for multiple reasons, being in a relationship with me, no matter how much I love you, all it does is hurt you. And thats the last thing I want to do. Ive done too much of it already. I want to be with you and I want us to be happy together, but above that, I want you to be happy. And letting you go is the only way to do that. Trying to make this work, trying to be happy together, its just forcing the situation and making it worse.
Yes this will hurt me, probably scar me for a long time. But in time I will move past it. I will learn to love again the same way you taught me when we got together. You will have fun, you'll be able to life a full life, and have plenty of memories to look back on when you're 40. I will love you for a while, but time apart makes love fade, no matter what anyone says. You say you want to be with me in the end, its not that I don't believe that you want that, but at this point, I'll believe it when I see it. I won't hold back or wait for you, I'm going to do my best to get over you and move on. But have no doubt what you have said to me will always be in the back of my mind, I'll never forget you, you'll always have a place in my heart, and I'll always wonder if you'll ever come back to me.
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