Miracles?

Nov 4, 2006
10:26 AM

You say that miracles exist. Tell me stories and try to prove your point. Attempt to get me to believe. Well I don't. It is easy for you to believe, but not me. You know why? Because all these great things may have happened to you or people you know, but not me, and not to anyone that I know.



I would like to know where my miracles are. I would like to know why I have not lived with my parents since I was sixteen. Why my senior year of high school, my family got kicked out of their house and went to live in a motel and I went to stay temporarily with a friend. And why I had scoliosis and had to have surgery, not even knowing where I would go home to when I got out of the hospital. Why is it hereditary and both of my younger sisters will have to go through the same exact shit and there is no way to escape it?



Why has my sister not lived with her family since she was 15, almost 2 years? And when she gets settled in a place, she finds out that all it is is a verbally abusive environment. Why does she have to move into her boyfriends house, why is that really the best place for her at the moment. Why does she have the same medical condition I have, with imminent surgery, and no way to get medical, so she has no way to even see a doctor?



Why does my 11 year old sister live in a motel with my parents? Why is her bed a pile of blankets on the floor? Why does she have to eat cold hot dogs and chili for dinner all the time? Why do my parents spend any extra cent on whatever they can smoke or whatever they can find to get them high?



Why does my grandmother, who probably cares about us more than our own parents do, have cancer over her entire body? Why has she had 4 surgeries in a year? And why does she now have it on her brain? Why is she going home from the hospital on Tuesday, and they are starting her on hospice, and she has less than six months to live? Why is my grandfather not even going to remember she is in the hospital when he wakes up tomorrow? Why when we see him again next weekend, is he going to give me a hug goodbye and tell me it was nice to meet me, as if this was the first time he has ever met me?





You tell me I am too uptight, too skeptical. And you know why?



Because the whole reason mine and my sisters' lives are the way they are is because of my mothers' stupidity and gullibleness. Our lives have been shit for so many years that I am determined not to turn out like her. And the one time that I let down my guard, let myself be happy. Let myself think that things could change, life could be good. I attempted to start a new life, moved away, actually abandoning everyone who really cared about me. Was happy for a while, but that was all because love made me blind. I put my heart and soul, my fuckin everything out there for someone. And I had my world crushed. Not just some bruised little feelings. My entire world ended. I had to come back here, and face reality. Face my parents drugged out faces. Face my little sister running around in dirty clothes because apparently there is no money to wash them. And face heather just trying to get by, just trying to get through school and make everything work.



Where are these miracles that you talk about? I have never seen them, all I have seen is misery. And I have been told before that without misery there would be no hope and togetherness and love. But you know what? I am tired, I am tired of it all. This is all my life has ever been, and I have never seen anything good come of it, it just keeps getting worse. So forgive me if I don't just jump at the idea that something someday could save us. It hasn't happened yet, and I don't think it ever will. Because there is no one that is going to help us, no one dishing out any miracles our way. All we can do is help ourselves, and hope that it is enough to get us through tomorrow.