May 17, 2007
5:50 PM
I don't know if it's you, I don't know if it's me, I don't know if it's anything at all.
All I know is I feel weird. I feel irritated and even angry at times. I feel scared and lonely, when you are right there. I feel like there is something there that I can't put my finger on.
I don't know if I am just making nothing into something. I could just be scared because I have seen it all before, just one of those too good to be true things. Idk. I guess I just keep thinking its all gonna end the same way it has before and I can't get that out of my brain.
I've put my heart and soul into something, and a guy tells me that they love me just as much, if not more. Wants to marry me. Tells me every day how much he loves me. Comes to bed late, wakes me up and makes love to me. Then the very next morning I find out that it was all a lie. I believed it all, I trusted him with my heart, with the rest of my life. And all he did was use me. Used me for everything he could with a disguise of love, and then fucked me, and left me.
I try to tell myself all the time that maybe not all guys are like that. Not every relationship will be like that. But every so far, I am merely thrown out like garbage, and forgotten. The second someone else walks into the picture, I am old news.
I am scared that love will make me blind, and so I find myself worrying over little things, trying to see what's coming before it hits me when I'm not looking.
You make me so happy, and I love you so much. I could have the worst day ever, but when I see you after work, it all goes away. Your touch, your eyes, your voice, you are my escape, without you I don't know what I would do. The first time I told you I loved you I was crying(and not a bad cry lol), although you didn't know it. Because you get to me that much. I am crying right now, because I love you, and I don't know why I think something is wrong and why I can't get it out of my head.
I'm sorry if I sound crazy, but I know its not good for me to keep alot of things inside. So I just needed to kind of vent for a minute. And again, this is one of those blogs that only you and Heather can read.
Comment (2)
Michael Burton
Look I love you and I mean it I am in no way trying to use you. I couldn't do that if I wanted to. And I don't. Shit I feel bad and put myself under constant stress everyday because I hate oweing you money. It's just not something I want. Shit I am indebt to you over 400 dollars. Do you have ANY idea how much that rips me apart? I can't just sit around the house all day it drives me nuts and I can't be confined to one friend.Yes Michelle coming into the picture is differnet, I don't really care for her too much right now but I am at a stage where I can't back out. And Whitney has been a friend of mine for 5 years or so. Ya she makes bad decisions but that's part of her and the only reason I am taking her back is she has shown SOOO much change. She's finally started to grow up. And about this car thing. I am not asking you to sign anything I want to do this on my own. I mean I don't want to put you on the lease or whatever because I can't even fathom the shit that ron put you through and I never want to do that. Shit. Maybe the distance or whatever it is that you have been seeing is the accumulation of all this stress. I mean shit I am the type that wants to be the knight in shining armor, if my head it is my job to help you not you help me. In my mind it is as much my responcibility to help you out of you credit shit as possible. I just got a year deferment on my loan so that wont hurt me for a while. I want to get into guard training and move with that, I want to do so much and it's hard.I am making shit at UPC. I am not happy with anyhting in my life but you. You are my shining star. You have been giving me hope through everything. And yes it takes struggle and shit but I am willing to do that. And right now the big thing is getting a full time job or a second part time job. andI can't do that unless its within a few blocks. And right now the only experence I have is driving. And if I get busted in this car there goes that. I need to get rid of that thing asap which means I need a new car. Which could also build my credit. After we are set and comfy I want to try to repair yours too... I have a lot of shit on my plate too and I don't have anywhere to vent. Well I guess now I kinda am. But know I have a lot of shit on my plate too and I am looking for any way to get my head out from under the water. And this is the only way I see.
Heather Cain
ya i did try to call you and i hung up because icky came in, i found out some shit today and i dont like it. i found out hes been lying to me and hes been hiding where hes been going, and when his friends dint no hes hiding it they joke about it and i will ask him and he lies some more. i hate lying and now i dont trust him, i cant even look at him the same, and i snot think it will be fixed.
and i dont no if mike is doing anything bad or something stupid, but whatever is happening he needs to just tell you whats going on even if its nothing, if only for reasurrance, he just needs to tell you. because if he desnt tell you and you find out another way it hurts a lot more
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