Tired

Dec 28, 2007
7:48 PM

Why do I try so hard

Why do I care so much

Why do I put everyone elses needs above mine

When all it does is bring me to tears



I thought that this vacation was gonna be something I could use to calm down. I need a break from stress, a break from life. But it's no different. When I wake up theres still a life that demands my presence. Demands things that can't be done. This is all so fucking rediculous. I can't balance my account anymore. I don't get paid enough. I cant help my sisters. I can't go a day without fighting with Mike. I don't even get laid that often anymore, because aparently a raging bitch isn't that attractive.

I'm so tired.
Tired of trying, tired of stressing, tired of crying, tired of yelling.
Tired of not having money for food or gas, tired of wondering where it all goes, how the fuck its all gonna work. Cuz a week before payday, it doesn't work.

Right now.
Its hard.
Its hard to even get out of bed in the morning.
Its hard knowing that we're gonna get in a fight. It's inevitable now.
Its hard to shower. Why the fuck make myself look presentable when the days is gonna be a waste anyways?
I get mad at myself. I get mad at animals. I get mad when I drop something. I get mad when I have to cook dinner, I used to love to cook.
What happened to me.
What am I doing wrong. I've been trying to figure it out for a while and I just don't know anymore.




James
     I really feel you rachel I'm sorry. I know what it's like to be stuck in a rut like that im kinda in one now.
            In times like these you kinda have to step out of your box & do what you have to do. Take charge.   We are the only ones that can make change for ourselves.
            I know you are really smart & there are alot of things you can do. You'll figure it out.


Michael Burton
           Not all of the problem is you.
            Not all of the problem is me.
            Yes I am bad with money.
            I am busting my ass all the time at work because its the chance we have to get out. I spend all day long working dealing with Peters shit, with him shit talking me and knowing I have to take it like a bitch because that's all we have.
            And its frustrating to me to see hear you complain, oh theres no money, oh I hate my job. Constantly making shit worse, So I ask you to find a new job. And here we are 4 almost 5 months later. And no new job, I can't even remember the last time you LOOKED for a new job.
            I bring it up, I don't have the training for any of that, I need to go to school.
            Something I to would like to do. Something I plan on doing, you asked me to wait to enroll, so you could find classes and enroll. Yet I havn't seen you looking. This has been eating away at me for a while. Almost content with where you are, being broke yet always complaining.
            I want us to do better and I fought and busted my ass... And I moved up. But I realize that that isn't going to be there forever. I want to go to school, maybe for something that won't be right for me as a job... But it'll do for right now.
            I take 12 hours shifts to make more money and maybe get some spending cash. Yet you cry. I spend 13 hours in a cubicle... The thing I wanted most to never have to do, but I do it anyway, so we have a place to start. A desk jockey is one thing, a cubicle monkey is totally different, then midst this daily crap, I see something on myspace, a status message from you... "I'm on motherfucking vacation" I believe it was, happy almost ectatic, to go two weeks with out working, without pay.
            I wonder what the hell... And remember your words, "I need this break away from those kids away from Tina, time to relax" I get two days both on Teusday in the midst of the week. 15 days off straight, no money, no nothing.
            I geuss in a way I am a bit like the quality I very much dislike about you. Your busy body issue, what was it? "If I'm busting my ass I don't want everyone else doing nothing"
            I would love to see effort, progress will come, but only after genuine effort. A big chunk of my problems with money is with you not even trying, like you've givin up. So when I get home with my nice check... And I see you've givin up yet still want to throw my money on bills.... It's hard. Hard for me not to do with it what I want.


Tara Truex
            Wow rach. I'm so sorry i didn't know. Like Jeannie said you can always come over here and take a break. If you ever need anything just let me know. And as i always love to say,...
            YOU CAN ALWAYS COME WORK AT THE SHERATON!
            (thought i would try to make you laugh)
            No but really though, there are a lot of positions open and i know you would be an excellent candidate.
            Love you always and miss you terribly,




GOTLAUGHTER?
           you know you can always take a break for a day or so and spend some time over here! besides you have to come and get your x-mas gift! love you sweetie