Hurt

Jan 20, 2009
11:13 AM

You're not gonna miss me. Its a blast without me around.

I at least hoped that when it came to dinner time or laundry or something, you'd miss me. But you have a mommy to do that shit for you.

I haven't seen you in days. And it hurts me so much. I miss you so bad its insane. I feel like I've been in denial the last few days. Talking about shit the same as I would if everything were fine. Trying to pretend that everything will be fine. And you know what, I haven't cried till today. Till I found out that the second I walked out the door on Saturday, you changed your bank account password. DID YOU REALLY THINK I WOULD FUCKIN CLEAR YOU OUT OR SOME SHIT? OR YOU JUST PROTECTING YOUR PRECIOUS MONEY THAT IS ALL YOURS? Well when I get paid, my money is all mine too. I changed every password to every account I have. I cried when I found out that your mom made you dinner last night, and brought it to your ass. You didn't call me and ask me to come home, or tell me that you missed me. You just went to dear old mommy, and had yourself catered too.

Maybe I shouldn't have come to do laundry today. Maybe its this house that really makes me sad. I'd hoped that I would be home by now. I'd hoped that you would have called me by now. I'd hoped that me being gone would make you miss me. But all me leaving has done is show that I'm not needed. You don't need me for sex, you don't need me to cook you dinner, you don't need me around to have fun. You don't miss me, and you don't want me to come home do you?

I'm sorry that I put so much devotion into loving you. I'm sorry that I tried so hard to trust you. I'm sorry that I tried so hard to change for you. I'm sorry I did anything, because its all a waste in the end. In the end I'm the one who ends up lonely and crushed. My whole life has been a waste. Take yourself out of my life, and what do I have? Nothing, no love, no house, no car. My life will be nothing without you. But you know that already don't you.

I'm so scared, and so hurt by this all. I can't stop crying now, and its almost time to go back to work. Great.




Michael Burton
     Actually you have shit pretty backwards. SHE offered to make me dinner. I told her no. She did it anyway. She came over cuz I wouldn't go there. She gave me the food I ate it.
            She offered to do my laundry but I told her know and wouldn't let her. And I changed the password on my account cuz I knew you were gonna go through money and I didn't want you to transfer money outta my account in an emotional state and blow it on beer or anything like that. And low and behold... First thing you did when you left? Cleared out the joint account.
            As far as me not calling you for you to come home. Why? Why should I put all the blame on me? You sit here on your high horse like you did nothing wrong, and thats the problem its never you. We come to agreement and it's both of us but I have to fix it nearly on the spot but when Ii ask you why your still doing something its "My brain/ body takes time to change." So no I'm not going to come groveling at your feet. And I am realizing I can survive on my own. Besides I don't want I gf that I need. I don't NEED you for shit. I LVOE the things you do. But I don't NEED them. I want someone that I want around not someone I NEED to exist.
            I want to want you. Not DREAD you. I love you to death and want t o spend my life with you but I think I figured it out. I'm not ready for that. I don't wanna regret not having my life 20 years down the road.
            If that means that I have to risk losing you. then thats and painful step I will have to take. I am not willing to give my livelihood for anything. I want to be free for the time being. No more answering to people. Not more anything. I finally figured out the struggle I've been having. Its my own fight with myself on what I want. I know know what I want. I want to live. And part of living at 20 is being free making mistakes, not tied down to a room. I woke up sunday morning feeling better than I have in months. I felt alive than ever. I want to get out and do shit. Fly by the seat of my pants. Otherwise I will never be right. I realize now that I deeply regret passing my childhood and most of high school for adulthood.
            I need to take this now while I still can. And I HATE truly hate that I am losing you in the process. But it looks like that what has to happen. I have to live my live, it I don't i will spend my life ass a shell of my former self. And I don't want that.