What to do

Feb 10, 2010 1:16 AM

I thought I was confused about my life before. Jesus.

I don't have any sort of direction, or any specific goals. And I don't know what to do, cuz I'm afraid of making the wrong decisions. I mean, look at my track record so far...

I need a better job so I can be independent. And to do that I probably need to go to school. I just don't know what to go to school for, or what I can really do in a timely manner while still working. I need to get my lisence, which means I have to learn to drive the suburban I bought. The fucking thing scares me since I almost killed myself in it. And most of all I need to distance myself from Mike. Thats the hard one, because to get to that I have to do everything else before it.

I love Mike with all of my heart. And I probably always will no matter what happens. But, this arrangement, its killing me. It hurts so much. Im mad at him, and I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at him for wanting everything his way, and I'm mad at myself for allowing it. He wants to have me in his life, but not be committed to me, to be free to talk to bitches the way he wants and see him how he wants. Those two just don't go together. I feel like shit that I'm letting him do this to me because I want him around. But its no good, cuz he's not really mine. Its all a sham. If he really loved me the way he sais he does he would be with me. I'm just not enough to keep him happy, and after a year of trying out this situation, I'm begginning to wonder if I ever will be enough. Will I always have to worry who he's talking to and what he's really saying to them? Will he ever be able to be with just be and be truly happy? I'm scared I'm holding out for something that will never come. How long am I supposed to be around him and watch or know what he does?

I wanted to set a time limit on how long I should do this. I wanted to give it a year, if we sign this lease, then that would be perfect. Another year for him to sort out what he needs. A year for me to get my shit together. And then when that year is over, if he doesn't want to be with me, then I go my own way. Sounds simple right? But what is this next year gonna be like? Can I really do it? I'm getting fed up with it already. I'm feeling used. I'm hurt all the time. I'm jelous even though I'm not supposed to be and I'm supposed to keep it to myself. And he seems to have a double standard about whats allowed.

I'm torn. I love him and I want to be with him. But he doesn't love me the same way. And I feel like I'm betraying myself by letting this happen the way it is. What am I supposed to do?