Stupid rant

May 4, 2009 1:41 PM

I guess I'm lucky I got a new bedset, at least my sheets dont smell like you this time. I don't have to smell you fresh out of the shower. I don't have very many waves of painful memories from seeing your things everywhere.

Thats how I want it. I want every piece of you gone. I don't want to break into tears when I see something that reminds me of you or what used to be. Thats why I left my ipod, I don't want something that is engraved with what it has on it. I actually just remembered our engraved christmas ornaments this morning, I'll probably avoid that box until I open it up at christmas time.

I officially missed you last night. As angry and confused as I am, I still missed you. And it sucked. I don't want to be weak. I shoudln't miss you with how you have hurt me. But I can't make it stop.

It was wrong to get back together. Everything was fine, it hurt both of us, but there wasn't this anger. Getting back together gave us both a chance to destroy everything, to make everything worse. I said yes because I love you and I want you so bad it makes me sick. But its wrong. Its wrong because I'm not what you want right now, and that makes this impossible.

We have been on differnet pages for a long time now. What I want and need to be happy, is different from what you want and need to be happy.

I want someone that I can share every aspect of my life with, a partner for life, a soul mate. Someone who loves and understands me better than I do myself. Someone who is completely happy with me being the only woman in his life. Someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me and never leave me. I want a house, a family, a life. I do miss the single life, the attention, the sex, but it even doens't compare to the happiness I got from loving you. With all the fights and all the shit we went through together, it was still the happiest two years of my life.

You, I don't even know what you want anymore. I tried to talk to you so many times about what you want, and every time it was different. At one point you told me that you wanted to be with me in the future, like 5 years down the line. You said you knew you wanted to be with me and have a family, just not right now. You wanted to live a free life right now so you didn't miss out on anything when you looked back on your life. You said you loved me. You said you still wanted to be my rock, you still wanted to be in my life. You wanted to help me get to school, be someone I could talk to. You said I could take certain things in the split last time. When we got back together and had makeup sex, it was amazing. I asked you after if you were ok with only being with me, and not haivng the freedom to be with others, and you said yes. At that moment I thought it would all work out. I thought that I made you happy, why else would you have come back to me? But now everythings upside down. You have so much anger towards me. Everything you told me has changed. You don't want to help me with school, you don't wnat to be there for me to talk to, and I wasn't enough to keep you sexually fulfilled. Either everything you told me was a lie, or something happened to make you hate me. You said such horrible things to me, did such horrible things behind my back, and put horrible things in front of my face. What did I do to you to deserve this? When did you stop loving me? And why do you hate me so much that you have no problems delibratley hurting me?

I tried to make this work, but I guess it wasn't good enough, I didn't move fast enough for you. I loved you and what we had too much to just let go of it all at the drop of a hat, I'm sorry.

And in the end all I wanted was to come get my stuff, and be gone, be out of your life just like you wanted. I wanted it over with, I wanted to walk away from it all and never look back. And you wouldn't even let me come get my stuff, kept putting it off, not scheduling me a time. I called your mom because I thougth it might make things easier if you were too busy, she could supervise me. Why did you want to drag it out? Why not take 20 minutes out of your day, in exchange for never having to deal with me again? I am not interested in playing games, the drama, the bullshit, I just wanted a clean break. We give our shit back to eachother, break all ties, and never talk to eachother again, simple concept.

I wish things were simple, life was simple. I'm tired. Tired of fighting, and tired of fake happiness. I don't know if true love even exists. I so thought you were the one for me. I felt a connection with you that I have never felt with another person, not my sisters, not anyone. But what I feel hasn't mattered in a long time, and now you're gone, half of me is gone.