It means alot

May 4, 2008
9:30 PM

I'm not pissed, I'm not mad.

I'm sad.

I feel most volnurable when I am in bed. Half naked, in the dark, alone. The dark has always played mind games with me. Not that I am scared of it persay, but I'm not comfortable in it.

But all that goes away when you are next to me. When I fall asleep with you in bed with me I feel safe and calm. When I wake up for any reason and roll over to see you sleeping next to me, it asures me that I am not alone and am still safe.

However, it makes me so sad to crawl into a big empty bed all by myself, knowing that you will not be crawling in next to me any time soon. It makes me feel so on edge that although I should be sleeping, half the time I don't while you're wherever you are instead of in bed. And when I do sleep I wake up all the time at noises thinking it might be you opening the door.

And the times when I wake up in the middle of the night knowing that you were at one point next to me, only to find you gone. That hurts. I roll over expecting to nudge you or feel your warmth, hear your snoring, something. But it feels weird, and I open my eyes, to see I am all alone in the bed. Once again.

To sleep next to someone, to feel completley comfortable. Its a big step in trust. Do you remember when we first got together and every time you even moved in the middle of the night, I would jump awake, scared shitless? Then do you remember when you could finally get out of bed and go to the bathroom and stuff and I wouldn't even budge? I'm comfortable in the fact that nothing is going to hurt me, and you will be there next to me when I wake up.

And I have tried to express this to you a few times in the las week or so, but I'm not sure I am expressing myself right, or if I am even making any sense. I understand there are nights that you can't control, like when you are working. But on the nights that you can control, and the mornings that we have together, I am still left alone. I'm sorry if this is just another stupid quirk to me that really means nothing to you, but it means alot to me.