Upside down

Jul 25, 2008
5:24 AM

I don't even know what's right side up anymore.
I don't know who I am
I don't know where I'm going
I don't know what to do
I'm lost.

I think half of why I feel so lost is because of you, but really its because of me isn't it? When I found out that you haven't approved of my job since last summer, it changed things. You don't respect me at all anymore, and you make spending any time with me feel like a chore.

I can't wait for you to get home, so maybe we could sit down and watch some tv together before everyone gets home, and you can hardly wait to come home to take a nap. I try to go to bed with you every night because again, maybe we could spend some time together, but you don't want to cuddle or talk like we used to, you just roll over and try to ignore me and hope sleep comes fast. Thats when I get out of bed and come out to the computer, just like I am now, and wonder why the fuck I even attempted to go to bed with you in the first place.

And then you told me today that you wanted to spend time at home, whtile I spent time house sitting at vickis. Ya, sorry to say it, but theres no nice way to bring up that you are so fed up with me and you want some time apart, and this is such a convenient opportunity. Part of me wants to throw a fit and convince you to come with me, but the other part wants to say fuck it, if you don't want to be around me then fine, I'll just dissappear for two weeks. Maybe you would call me and want to come over, want to see me. But at the same time I'm afraid that I wouldn't get that call, afraid that I wouldn't be needed or desired. It would tear me apart to be away from you for that long, but you, right now I could see you just loving not having me around, not bitching for two weeks.

I'm so confused right now. I don't know how to feel or what to think, I'm just one big mess. I know there's something wrong and I just don't know how bad it is. I don't know if its you or if its me, if its my lack of a job, my depression, or just the money, or a combination of everything.

I'm making this private for now, because I don't want a big fight and possibly ruin your birthday. I've lived with this and not said anything for a while, a few more days won't make a difference.