A taste of happiness

Oct 12, 2006
3:24 AM

Did you know how scared I was. Do you know what I have been through. I have had so many things that I loved ripped away from me, that now... now it's scary to even posess happiness for fear of losing it. And did you know that you scared the shit out of me. You came along and you were so nice, so perfect, and I saw something in us. I thought I saw something at least.

But I let down my walls, I wanted to feel you, test the waters and see what it was like to be so close to someone again. And I let you in. You are the first in a long time I let in. And you will probably be the last for a long time too. There was an intimate level of connection for me. I slept naked next to you, I showered with you, I told you my past. Very few people know the gory details of my past. I say that I am an open book, but there are parts of me that no one gets close to. But I let you.

Now I feel exposed, humiliated, stupid, and weak. I am no longer in control of anything. You are in control of what happens next, weither or not I am worth your time and effort. I am not even in control of my own emotions. Everything is running through my body so fast that I can't stop it.

But you know one thing that is for sure? Time. Time will make the bruises on my stomache fade away so that when I look in the mirrior I am not reminded of you. I will wash my sweater so that I will stop randomly getting a whif of your scent. I will stop going out front on my down time, so that I am not looking up every now and then looking for your car.

I was not ready to admit my feelings for you. But they are here. Now more than ever. You gave me a taste of happiness. You were everything I had wanted for so long. And now I think I am losing you, or maybe you are already gone. Now I am standing on the outside of the window, looking in at what was and what could have been. I am seeing my happiness slip right through my fingers again. And there is nothing I can do about it.