Memories

Mar 14, 2009
1:26 PM

I find that I cant even be in the same room with you, because all I want is to hold you and make this whole mess just disappear. It hurts me to see you, or smell you after a shower, to be so close to you yet so far away and torn. You are my rock, and now you're gone, and I'm in pain and lost.

I don't want this, I so don't want this. I wanna take it all back. I wanna pretend everything is fine just so I can be close to you. I want you to hold me, I want you to kiss me, I want what we used to have. I don't know exactly where it all started to go wrong, but I want to go back to before that, and I want to stay there forever. Where we were both happy and in love.

I know you are the one for me, I've known it for a long time, I've just been afraid of it. Because of this exact thing. I feared loving you, accepting all my feelings, because I feared losing everything. This always happens, its just my life. You told me so many times you weren't going anywhere, you would never hurt me. You knew what I had been through and you tried like hell to get me to open up. Now you know why I have issues, walls, emotional episodes. Because every time I'm not wearing my armor i get stabbed. It never fails. This was no different. I was happy for a while, then life just falls apart underneath my feet.

You are the best thing that has happened to me. You have pushed me to do better for myself. And I think alot of that will come into play now, I'm a little better at standing on my own two feet now I think, I hope. I know I will never find someone as amazing as you. I could search for yars and years and never come close.

I want you to know I am not givnig up on this because I don't want to be with you. I'm doing this because of how much I really do love you. When we got together I thought that we both wanted the same things. But somewhere along the line you changed your mind, or it just got to serious or something. Maybe we wern't really supposed to meet yet, maybe it was supposed to be years from now. Idk. All I know is that for multiple reasons, being in a relationship with me, no matter how much I love you, all it does is hurt you. And thats the last thing I want to do. Ive done too much of it already. I want to be with you and I want us to be happy together, but above that, I want you to be happy. And letting you go is the only way to do that. Trying to make this work, trying to be happy together, its just forcing the situation and making it worse.

Yes this will hurt me, probably scar me for a long time. But in time I will move past it. I will learn to love again the same way you taught me when we got together. You will have fun, you'll be able to life a full life, and have plenty of memories to look back on when you're 40. I will love you for a while, but time apart makes love fade, no matter what anyone says. You say you want to be with me in the end, its not that I don't believe that you want that, but at this point, I'll believe it when I see it. I won't hold back or wait for you, I'm going to do my best to get over you and move on. But have no doubt what you have said to me will always be in the back of my mind, I'll never forget you, you'll always have a place in my heart, and I'll always wonder if you'll ever come back to me.