Complications

Dec 29, 2007
1:58 PM

I realize that the previous blog was more about money than I intended. Its more than that.

I feel so upside-down. I feel like a failure to everyone around me and to myself. I feel every day is a waste. And then there are times that I don't feel anything because in actuality I am feeling everything at once. That is today. I am so messed up, you have no idea.

It's not that I hate anyone around me. I love Mike, my sisters, my friends, and most of my family. Everyone tries to be there for me. Someone has always been there for me to lean on, for years. But I have never been there for myself.

I feel like I am caving in on my own consiousness. My mind is running so fast and I can't stop it, and now its throbbing. Sometimes I feel in complete control, and others all I can do is cry unconrollably and hold my hands to my head warm with tears is if they were covered in blood. I constantly feel in need of a shower because I am disgusted with myself, but at the same time, lack the energy or desire to do so. I don't want to get up in the mornings, I just want the world to go on without me, but when I lay in bed for hours on end my body aches. So either way I'm fucked. When I do get out of bed, I seem fine. But aparently I'm really not. Because it only takes one thing, one simple little thing to throw me off for the rest of the day. I drop the keys, the cat makes loud noises, a phone call, anything. Its like every day I wear a mask of sanity, but its not really me. I'm not really me anymore.

I just want everything to slow down. I want peace in my brain, I want relaxation. Without drugs. I want to find myself again. Thats what this vacation was about. You think I was excited about not getting paid. I was excited about trying to chill the fuck out and maybe find who I used to be again. But its all gotten fucked up. I'm worse than I was a week ago. And I'll go back to work like this and I'll fuckin snap. It could cost me my job, who knows. All I know is that I'm not right. And I want to fix me, I want to find me. I don't want to go to some hospital and get put on some drugs. I don't want to be insane. I don't want to lose anyone I love. I just want to be me. Haha, I make it sound so damn simple, but nothing is simple is it. Especially the human brain and emotions. Especially me.