Failure

Jun 4, 2008
5:00 PM

How can I feel like such a failure when I have come this far.

I have you, I have this amazing house. I have progressed emotionally, at least I thought I had. You have always been there for me to help me, to be patient with me, to remind me that you loved me and that you weren't leaving my side.

But somehow I have failed at so much. My goals, everything that has been me has fallen out from under me. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. My job that I love I know I have to leave, its just not good enough anymore, Maybe it wasn't good enough all along and I just convinced myself it was. My sisters that I wanted to give the world to, would give my own life for, don't want anything to do with me anymore. You, it seems all we do is fight anymore. And now it seems like you hate me for what I have become.

All these things were my life, my future, and now they are all broken. I'm broken. And it's all my fault. Maybe I don't know how to love someone without pushing them away. Maybe I'm more messed up than I thought.

As I look at my display picture, I remember when every single day was so easy. And I wonder what happened. What happened to me. Why is it all so damn hard now? Why do I have so many issues, why am I so insane? I hate what I have become, I hate what I am doing to you. And it feels like you hate me for it too now. When I'm upset, my anger comes in waves. One minute I'll be pissed, the next I want to cry, the next I just wanna drop it. And at the same time I'm trying to curb my short fuse. And for like the last few days, I can make it go away after it flares up. When I am standing there, anger pushed away, feeling better, I get a better view of you, at your feelings. And what I see is more than just anger at the situation. What I get from your anger is more an anger towards me, towards my emotions, not just the words I am saying, but really towards me. And I understand why, it just hurts. Not only have I hurt you with my actions, but now I have turned you against me for lack of better words.

One of the biggest reasons I love you is because of how patient you have been with me. And I think why this hurts the most is because I can tell you're done trying to be patient with me. You're done, you've actually told it to me. And what sucks is this is when I need you most. I am trying to overcome alot all at once, it's probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. To try to fix myself, better myself, and not lose us and the house at the same time. In my past all the big things that went wrong for me I just had to walk away from, move on from. This is different. Its hard for me to actually confront things, but I'm trying.

It's not easy for me to change myself, to confront my own defects, to get a new job with my qualifications and self esteem, to not hurt you in the process. I am trying though, and my only hope is that it's not too late. I love you, and I need you here for me, now more than ever babe. Please don't give up on me.



Michael Burton
      Like I've said many times I'm not going anywhere I may get there pissed off but I will still be there.