What is happening?

May 12, 2008
8:29 AM

I don't know, but I do know.

I shouldn't say anything because its just gonna be another fight.

But I know. I've been here before, more than once. I'm not stupid.

I know by the way you act towards me when you go over there. The fact that you avoid my eyes when you say goodbye.

The fact that the two times you have gone over there you have spend the night both times. I know it's explainable, but still very coincidental.

The fact that I am not allowed to hang out with her or meet her for more than 30 seconds in passing at the mall. I told you that it made me uncomfortable. I told you that I would like to meet her, hang out, get a feel for the situation so I woulnd't freak out anymore. You wanna have friends that don't know me, fine. But she is different. And you know it. You are purposfully keeping me from her.

You told me that hanging out with her gave you some closure. She isn't just an ex, she is a friend, and a friend first. I can accept that. But not when it feels way too weird. If you two have closure now, then I don't understand what I saw at the mall. I saw the way you looked at her and the way she looked at you. She was way too nervious being around me and you together. You two still have something. You two still want eachother.

And then as we walked away, you said "there, are you happy now" Like it was some sort of display. Like it was supposed to make me happy to just see her in passing. I asked to hang out, to whitness the relationship you two have, to see you interact, not just see her for 30 seconds. I get a lot out of body language and tone of voice.

Then she texted you and thinks I don't like her. Yea, I don't really. Because I haven't been given the opportunity to get to know her, to like her. All I know is what I have seen and been told by you. You first of all, hid the fact that she was there the first night you went over. Then after I expressed to you how I felt about the situation nothing changed. You went back over two days later and did the same thing. I don't like the fact that she obviously has a way with you still. I don't like her being a secret. I don't like you keeping it from me and continuously going over there without me. I don't like someone who could desroy what I have, what I love.

What I am saying is, I'm not stupid. I have been in this situation before. I have been lied to, played behind my back. I'm not saying that you are fucking her or anything. I am saying there is something going on. I can see it. I can feel it. And you may not be necesarily lying to me, but to me leaving out the truth is the same as lying. There are things going on you are not telling me about. Things you are keeping secret.

It really really hurts me that I have put my faith in the fact that you tell me you aren't going anywhere. I trust you with my heart, a heart that has been abandoned and broken so many times before. I make a big decision to get a house with you, to move forward with our lives. I love you so much, I don't think you even know. I may be mad all the time at damn near everything, but that never once changes the fact that I love you. I woulnd't be where I am right now, in this house, together for a year and a half, if I wasn't serious about us.

And you know the most important part of a relationship for me is honesty. I don't know what has happened. But now you are hiding things from me. And you mentioned the sandwiches thing, how you hid that and it upset you that you felt you had to do it. I know thats bad, I know its bad that I would freak out over that. And I'm sorry. But Chelle. Chelle's different. You hiding that from me, that is way different. You hiding whatever is going on is killing me.

If you don't love me anymore. If I am too bitchy, too fat, to psycho for you, I'm sorry. I never meant to push you away. Jesus, why would I push away the only thing I have left? I never thought I would even be saying the things I am saying now. I hurt so bad. I know somehing is being hidden behind my back, something serious. And if you love me, if we have gotten this far together. Then how could you do this to me?