Just getting a lot of thoughts down

Jan 18, 2009
11:15 PM

At this point, nothing fits more than the fact that its all up to you.Not that all the effort on saving us is on you, but the decision.

I know exactly what I want. I know exactly what I will do to save us. Iknow everything that I would do to spend the rest of my life waking upnext to you in the morning. I have no qualms about my feelings, ordreams. I am so not lost whatsoever at all.

Felling sad about what you might really want on the other hand, isinevitable. I can't make you love me, as much as I might want to. And Iam scared that the irritable feelings towards me have out weighed thegood ones at this point. I'm scared that you think it might be time tomove on. i'm scared that you have been thinking this for a while andjust haven't found a way to tell me. I'm scared that once again I mightlose someting that I love with my every fiber of my soul.

One thing that I hate is lies. And if you don't consider hiding thetruth a lie, then that too. I grew up surrounded by people who hidtruths, put on fake smiles, lived fake lives, pretended they were happywhen they weren't. I can't do that. I cant live like that. To be a partof a life of lies means you aren't really being true to yourslef, letalone everyone around you. As much as the truth may hurt, its real. Andsomething real feels better than any lie when it comes to life. I havelived with alot of truths, and none of them have killed me, they'veonly made me stronger. As cliche as it sounds, its true.

I want to be happy, I want you to be happy, and if at all possible, Iwant us to be happy together. I want to hold you forever. I want tokiss you a million times over right now and just fall under your spelland forget all the bad shit that has happened. I wish I could come homeright now and curl up next to you in bed and pass out for hours. I wishwe could go to breakfast in the morning like we said we would since Ididn't have to work. But those are all things that I want. And I thinkwe all know what I want. What I'm afraid of losing.

But the question is, what do you want? Do you still love me? Do youwant to be with me? Or do you want to be single again so you catch somedifferent exciting girls? Area you really as confused as you say youare, or are you really just worried about actually telling me whatyou're feeling? I'm giving you time, because I know you need it. But Iwant to know the truth. And don't think I can't handle it. Knowing thetruth will be easier on me than waiting here for your call, or yourknock at the door.