Mar 20, 2010 1:20 PM
..I feel so upside down, backwards, and inside out right now.
I feel less depressed than I did a few weeks ago. But now my mind is just going crazy.
I'm being pulled in so many different directions. I'm confused about myself and the people around me. One minute I feel loved and life is perfect, then the next I'm alone and everything is wrong.
Is everything really wrong, with enough good days just often enough to make it ok.
Or is everything ok and I'm making everything wrong all the time.
I really don't know.
All I know is I spend more time worrying, crying, or feeling sick, than I do being genuinely happy these days.
I applied for medical over the phone today. I'm pretty sure I need some real help.
Monday, August 8, 2011
What to do
Feb 10, 2010 1:16 AM
I thought I was confused about my life before. Jesus.
I don't have any sort of direction, or any specific goals. And I don't know what to do, cuz I'm afraid of making the wrong decisions. I mean, look at my track record so far...
I need a better job so I can be independent. And to do that I probably need to go to school. I just don't know what to go to school for, or what I can really do in a timely manner while still working. I need to get my lisence, which means I have to learn to drive the suburban I bought. The fucking thing scares me since I almost killed myself in it. And most of all I need to distance myself from Mike. Thats the hard one, because to get to that I have to do everything else before it.
I love Mike with all of my heart. And I probably always will no matter what happens. But, this arrangement, its killing me. It hurts so much. Im mad at him, and I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at him for wanting everything his way, and I'm mad at myself for allowing it. He wants to have me in his life, but not be committed to me, to be free to talk to bitches the way he wants and see him how he wants. Those two just don't go together. I feel like shit that I'm letting him do this to me because I want him around. But its no good, cuz he's not really mine. Its all a sham. If he really loved me the way he sais he does he would be with me. I'm just not enough to keep him happy, and after a year of trying out this situation, I'm begginning to wonder if I ever will be enough. Will I always have to worry who he's talking to and what he's really saying to them? Will he ever be able to be with just be and be truly happy? I'm scared I'm holding out for something that will never come. How long am I supposed to be around him and watch or know what he does?
I wanted to set a time limit on how long I should do this. I wanted to give it a year, if we sign this lease, then that would be perfect. Another year for him to sort out what he needs. A year for me to get my shit together. And then when that year is over, if he doesn't want to be with me, then I go my own way. Sounds simple right? But what is this next year gonna be like? Can I really do it? I'm getting fed up with it already. I'm feeling used. I'm hurt all the time. I'm jelous even though I'm not supposed to be and I'm supposed to keep it to myself. And he seems to have a double standard about whats allowed.
I'm torn. I love him and I want to be with him. But he doesn't love me the same way. And I feel like I'm betraying myself by letting this happen the way it is. What am I supposed to do?
I thought I was confused about my life before. Jesus.
I don't have any sort of direction, or any specific goals. And I don't know what to do, cuz I'm afraid of making the wrong decisions. I mean, look at my track record so far...
I need a better job so I can be independent. And to do that I probably need to go to school. I just don't know what to go to school for, or what I can really do in a timely manner while still working. I need to get my lisence, which means I have to learn to drive the suburban I bought. The fucking thing scares me since I almost killed myself in it. And most of all I need to distance myself from Mike. Thats the hard one, because to get to that I have to do everything else before it.
I love Mike with all of my heart. And I probably always will no matter what happens. But, this arrangement, its killing me. It hurts so much. Im mad at him, and I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at him for wanting everything his way, and I'm mad at myself for allowing it. He wants to have me in his life, but not be committed to me, to be free to talk to bitches the way he wants and see him how he wants. Those two just don't go together. I feel like shit that I'm letting him do this to me because I want him around. But its no good, cuz he's not really mine. Its all a sham. If he really loved me the way he sais he does he would be with me. I'm just not enough to keep him happy, and after a year of trying out this situation, I'm begginning to wonder if I ever will be enough. Will I always have to worry who he's talking to and what he's really saying to them? Will he ever be able to be with just be and be truly happy? I'm scared I'm holding out for something that will never come. How long am I supposed to be around him and watch or know what he does?
I wanted to set a time limit on how long I should do this. I wanted to give it a year, if we sign this lease, then that would be perfect. Another year for him to sort out what he needs. A year for me to get my shit together. And then when that year is over, if he doesn't want to be with me, then I go my own way. Sounds simple right? But what is this next year gonna be like? Can I really do it? I'm getting fed up with it already. I'm feeling used. I'm hurt all the time. I'm jelous even though I'm not supposed to be and I'm supposed to keep it to myself. And he seems to have a double standard about whats allowed.
I'm torn. I love him and I want to be with him. But he doesn't love me the same way. And I feel like I'm betraying myself by letting this happen the way it is. What am I supposed to do?
Love.
Aug 13, 2009 11:57 PM
The way you tell me you love me, and for the most part, the way I tell you I love you.
It sounds so simple. So comfortable.
As much as I love you, and have loved you for years now, I never really understood it all until now.
I still remember the first time I ever told you. The emotions washing over me, the tears rolling down my cheeks. It was some mixture of intense happiness, clarity, and fear all in one. And I can honestly say I had never been that overwhelmed by love ever before in my life.
Now, I don't love you any less, not at all. But it's changed, grown, and I understand it more. I always thought if you loved someone, that meant you would do ANYTHING for them. But I don't think I really ever thought about what 'anything' meant, didn't understand the depth that phrase had. I never really had any good role models to show me what love really meant, and this is me figuring it out as I go I guess.
I understand now that I love you more than anything else in this world. And I would really do anything for you. Even when I swore I hated you, it was really more me trying to convince myself to hate you, and I see that now. Hell, I had to sleep diagonal on my bed just to get through the nights, cuz just laying there alone felt wrong. But when I talked to you or anyone else, I hated you. It was all lies.
I want you. I want you beside me forever and ever. I want to be able to hold you whenever I want. Even now I can still feel energy when I hug you, when I lay on your chest, there's just something different when out bodies come together. I know exactly what I want, and I'm not scared of it at all.
But you. Honestly I think that you know that we are supposed to be together. You know that we should be married and that I'm the one you will love forever will all your heart. But, those thoughts scare the hell out of you, and you're not ready for them. And I understand that.
I love you so much. And I want you to be mine so bad. But above that, I want you to be happy. If this is what makes you happy right now then so be it. I don't want to pressure you into anything that is going to make you unhappy now, or in the long run. And if what I feel is true, then someday you'll come back to me. Someday things will all work out. Someday we'll get married, and I'll get to wake up to you beside me every morning for the rest of my life.
But for now, this works. It's not the best it could be, but I'm ok, I'm just glad to have you in my life. I love you with all my heart, and I'm pretty sure that'll never change.
The way you tell me you love me, and for the most part, the way I tell you I love you.
It sounds so simple. So comfortable.
As much as I love you, and have loved you for years now, I never really understood it all until now.
I still remember the first time I ever told you. The emotions washing over me, the tears rolling down my cheeks. It was some mixture of intense happiness, clarity, and fear all in one. And I can honestly say I had never been that overwhelmed by love ever before in my life.
Now, I don't love you any less, not at all. But it's changed, grown, and I understand it more. I always thought if you loved someone, that meant you would do ANYTHING for them. But I don't think I really ever thought about what 'anything' meant, didn't understand the depth that phrase had. I never really had any good role models to show me what love really meant, and this is me figuring it out as I go I guess.
I understand now that I love you more than anything else in this world. And I would really do anything for you. Even when I swore I hated you, it was really more me trying to convince myself to hate you, and I see that now. Hell, I had to sleep diagonal on my bed just to get through the nights, cuz just laying there alone felt wrong. But when I talked to you or anyone else, I hated you. It was all lies.
I want you. I want you beside me forever and ever. I want to be able to hold you whenever I want. Even now I can still feel energy when I hug you, when I lay on your chest, there's just something different when out bodies come together. I know exactly what I want, and I'm not scared of it at all.
But you. Honestly I think that you know that we are supposed to be together. You know that we should be married and that I'm the one you will love forever will all your heart. But, those thoughts scare the hell out of you, and you're not ready for them. And I understand that.
I love you so much. And I want you to be mine so bad. But above that, I want you to be happy. If this is what makes you happy right now then so be it. I don't want to pressure you into anything that is going to make you unhappy now, or in the long run. And if what I feel is true, then someday you'll come back to me. Someday things will all work out. Someday we'll get married, and I'll get to wake up to you beside me every morning for the rest of my life.
But for now, this works. It's not the best it could be, but I'm ok, I'm just glad to have you in my life. I love you with all my heart, and I'm pretty sure that'll never change.
The puzzle peice doesn't fit
Jul 18, 2009 10:52 PM
I really thought I belonged.
Thought I found people who care about me enough to consider family.
But I guess it wasn't what I thought it was.
I know how far from normal it is or we are, but it fit. It made me feel like I fit somewhere in this world. You know that backup plan, that rock, the love of parents that everyone has, you all take it for granted. And I latched onto someone accepting of giving me what I craved, a family.
There was two people in this world who had never fucked me over, hurt me, or walked away from me. You and James. Now there's only one.
Since I am be a daughter, but I'm surely not yours, where do I fit now?
I really thought I belonged.
Thought I found people who care about me enough to consider family.
But I guess it wasn't what I thought it was.
I know how far from normal it is or we are, but it fit. It made me feel like I fit somewhere in this world. You know that backup plan, that rock, the love of parents that everyone has, you all take it for granted. And I latched onto someone accepting of giving me what I craved, a family.
There was two people in this world who had never fucked me over, hurt me, or walked away from me. You and James. Now there's only one.
Since I am be a daughter, but I'm surely not yours, where do I fit now?
Happy Mess
Jun 15, 2009 3:50 PM
Remember that time that I made you so mad
Last week right ha ha you know that
It's not like it's all that rare
So put it here and let me cherish the embarrassment
I realize I've been a dick head yes
And I respect how you question your investments
I take the blame but it ain't to be impressive
It feels like a cop out to label it lessons
I've been though the rain but I've put other people through a hurricane just to work the game
Some time I swim through so much shame
I think my little man's blessed that he didn't get my last name
And here you are right in front of me offering it all like tell me what you want from me
I wanna love you today and forever
Let me clear my through and rub my wings together
It goes: I'm not perfect but I'm this that and this
My hands are dirty and I'm this that and this
You've been searching for this that and this
Let's break the surface and make a little happy mess
Whoo girl, you're the most beautiful thing I've seen
Enticing, exciting
Even the sound of your voice gotta nice ring
Ya seem like the type that might help me tighten up my pipe dreams
We can keep digging through this dirt
Team up, you and I against the universe
Think about it, What cha say to your self
You can wear my cape and I can play with your belt
The truth is there now
Stand with me, look into that mirror now
And tell me you don't see the same image
Gonna be a brand name day once the rain is finished
It goes: I'm not perfect but I'm this that and this
My hands are dirty and I'm this that and this
You've been searching for this that and this
Let's break the surface and make a little happy mess
I can't believe she got me on a ball and chain
It's not a complaint, I appreciate it
For all the dumb mistakes I make I'm surprised baby girl ain't threw me away
I never meant to hurt no one, I just want to stay productive till the work is done
I dance to a certain drum, but when I fell off beat you didn't turn and run, no
You see me at my lowest moments
You gave me sight when I had broken focus
With a smile that opens up like a rose does
Even when it all seemed so fucking hopeless
And here you are right in front of me
Offering it all like tell me what you want from me
I want to thank you today and forever
Let's make a little happy mess together
You know
It goes: I'm not perfect but I'm this that and this
My hands are dirty and I'm this that and this
You've been searching for this that and this
Let's break the surface and make a little happy mess
~Atmosphere~
Remember that time that I made you so mad
Last week right ha ha you know that
It's not like it's all that rare
So put it here and let me cherish the embarrassment
I realize I've been a dick head yes
And I respect how you question your investments
I take the blame but it ain't to be impressive
It feels like a cop out to label it lessons
I've been though the rain but I've put other people through a hurricane just to work the game
Some time I swim through so much shame
I think my little man's blessed that he didn't get my last name
And here you are right in front of me offering it all like tell me what you want from me
I wanna love you today and forever
Let me clear my through and rub my wings together
It goes: I'm not perfect but I'm this that and this
My hands are dirty and I'm this that and this
You've been searching for this that and this
Let's break the surface and make a little happy mess
Whoo girl, you're the most beautiful thing I've seen
Enticing, exciting
Even the sound of your voice gotta nice ring
Ya seem like the type that might help me tighten up my pipe dreams
We can keep digging through this dirt
Team up, you and I against the universe
Think about it, What cha say to your self
You can wear my cape and I can play with your belt
The truth is there now
Stand with me, look into that mirror now
And tell me you don't see the same image
Gonna be a brand name day once the rain is finished
It goes: I'm not perfect but I'm this that and this
My hands are dirty and I'm this that and this
You've been searching for this that and this
Let's break the surface and make a little happy mess
I can't believe she got me on a ball and chain
It's not a complaint, I appreciate it
For all the dumb mistakes I make I'm surprised baby girl ain't threw me away
I never meant to hurt no one, I just want to stay productive till the work is done
I dance to a certain drum, but when I fell off beat you didn't turn and run, no
You see me at my lowest moments
You gave me sight when I had broken focus
With a smile that opens up like a rose does
Even when it all seemed so fucking hopeless
And here you are right in front of me
Offering it all like tell me what you want from me
I want to thank you today and forever
Let's make a little happy mess together
You know
It goes: I'm not perfect but I'm this that and this
My hands are dirty and I'm this that and this
You've been searching for this that and this
Let's break the surface and make a little happy mess
~Atmosphere~
Was it really too much
Jun 1, 2009 9:44 PM
As I sit here crying I try to think of what the hell just happened.
I've been scared and I finally realized why. I finally felt like I figured it out.
We're supposed to be completely honest with eachother.
So I told you.
Told you that I want this. I want this with you.
I have always seen you as the father of my kids, as an awesome dad.
But after everything that has happened. I just don't know if I can trust you will be there through everything that this commitment will need.
Bieng with me, having that title is too much commitment and responsibility. Too much being tied down to something. You hated me for manipulating you into a form of yourself you didn't even recognize. You hated that you worked all the time and never got to spend your money the way you wanted. You were so angry for being trapped in the serious relationship with me.
Having a kid, its so much more than having a relationship with someone else. It takes so much maturity, commitment, responsibility. It takes everything that you didn't want with me.
Its hare for me to grasp, let alone trust. And all I wanted was for you to do something, talk to me, write to me, show me something that came from your heart. Something that would make me believe 100 percent that I woudln't be in this alone. That whatever happens you would always be there for your kid.
I'm sorry that this hurts you, that wasn't my intention. I knew it might be hard to take, but I didn't realize you would be this upset. I wasn't trying to accuse you, and I'm sorry thats the way it came across.
Think of how I feel too right now. THis is a life changing event. Yes I want a child, I would love that kid to death, its everyting I've wanted for a while. And yes I want it with you, becasue I feel that you would be an amazing dad and I love you. But I'm scared shitless. All I wanted you to do was promise me that you would never ever walk away from our child, in some way. To show me that with our past things went shitty, and life is uncertain, but with this I could 100 percent trust you.
As I sit here crying I try to think of what the hell just happened.
I've been scared and I finally realized why. I finally felt like I figured it out.
We're supposed to be completely honest with eachother.
So I told you.
Told you that I want this. I want this with you.
I have always seen you as the father of my kids, as an awesome dad.
But after everything that has happened. I just don't know if I can trust you will be there through everything that this commitment will need.
Bieng with me, having that title is too much commitment and responsibility. Too much being tied down to something. You hated me for manipulating you into a form of yourself you didn't even recognize. You hated that you worked all the time and never got to spend your money the way you wanted. You were so angry for being trapped in the serious relationship with me.
Having a kid, its so much more than having a relationship with someone else. It takes so much maturity, commitment, responsibility. It takes everything that you didn't want with me.
Its hare for me to grasp, let alone trust. And all I wanted was for you to do something, talk to me, write to me, show me something that came from your heart. Something that would make me believe 100 percent that I woudln't be in this alone. That whatever happens you would always be there for your kid.
I'm sorry that this hurts you, that wasn't my intention. I knew it might be hard to take, but I didn't realize you would be this upset. I wasn't trying to accuse you, and I'm sorry thats the way it came across.
Think of how I feel too right now. THis is a life changing event. Yes I want a child, I would love that kid to death, its everyting I've wanted for a while. And yes I want it with you, becasue I feel that you would be an amazing dad and I love you. But I'm scared shitless. All I wanted you to do was promise me that you would never ever walk away from our child, in some way. To show me that with our past things went shitty, and life is uncertain, but with this I could 100 percent trust you.
It was all for nothing
May 18, 2009 9:31 AM
You fell for me? You loved me more than you ever wanted to? If that was true, we wouldn't be here, and you woudln't have said such horrible things about me.
You can say whatever you want to say, deny whatever you want to deny. It doesn't mean anything, your word means nothing to me anymore.
We both were never entirely honest with eachother. You were never completely faithful, and for that I never completely trusted you. You lied to me, and hid things from me repeatedly, and so I don't believe things you say.
I wish I never met you, and we never dated. I wish I never fell in love with you, and never shared my life with you. I wish you would have left me for Ovens. I wish you would have cut bait and ran, before I realized how much I really did love you. I don't know where I would be right now, but I'm sure it would be somewhere better than hearing the man I loved, and supposedly he loved me, say that he was disgusted with me because I'm a nasty bitch the entire two years we were together.
This is the one and only time in my life I have ever regreted anything, and its you.
You fell for me? You loved me more than you ever wanted to? If that was true, we wouldn't be here, and you woudln't have said such horrible things about me.
You can say whatever you want to say, deny whatever you want to deny. It doesn't mean anything, your word means nothing to me anymore.
We both were never entirely honest with eachother. You were never completely faithful, and for that I never completely trusted you. You lied to me, and hid things from me repeatedly, and so I don't believe things you say.
I wish I never met you, and we never dated. I wish I never fell in love with you, and never shared my life with you. I wish you would have left me for Ovens. I wish you would have cut bait and ran, before I realized how much I really did love you. I don't know where I would be right now, but I'm sure it would be somewhere better than hearing the man I loved, and supposedly he loved me, say that he was disgusted with me because I'm a nasty bitch the entire two years we were together.
This is the one and only time in my life I have ever regreted anything, and its you.
It hurts
May 11, 2009 9:12 PM
It hurts
All of this hurts so bad. You're only a phone call or text away. But I can't just do that anymore. In my heart you are mine, I still love you so much. And it hurts me to think of you and another woman, or me with another guy. It hurts me to hate you, and it hurts me to be friends with you. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'm fine one minute, then the next I feel empty inside. One second I understand what you need and are going through, the next I don't get any of it.
I have no right answers. I can't find my footing. I'm so lost, I don't even know what way is up anymore, and I miss you.
It hurts
All of this hurts so bad. You're only a phone call or text away. But I can't just do that anymore. In my heart you are mine, I still love you so much. And it hurts me to think of you and another woman, or me with another guy. It hurts me to hate you, and it hurts me to be friends with you. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'm fine one minute, then the next I feel empty inside. One second I understand what you need and are going through, the next I don't get any of it.
I have no right answers. I can't find my footing. I'm so lost, I don't even know what way is up anymore, and I miss you.
Stupid rant
May 4, 2009 1:41 PM
I guess I'm lucky I got a new bedset, at least my sheets dont smell like you this time. I don't have to smell you fresh out of the shower. I don't have very many waves of painful memories from seeing your things everywhere.
Thats how I want it. I want every piece of you gone. I don't want to break into tears when I see something that reminds me of you or what used to be. Thats why I left my ipod, I don't want something that is engraved with what it has on it. I actually just remembered our engraved christmas ornaments this morning, I'll probably avoid that box until I open it up at christmas time.
I officially missed you last night. As angry and confused as I am, I still missed you. And it sucked. I don't want to be weak. I shoudln't miss you with how you have hurt me. But I can't make it stop.
It was wrong to get back together. Everything was fine, it hurt both of us, but there wasn't this anger. Getting back together gave us both a chance to destroy everything, to make everything worse. I said yes because I love you and I want you so bad it makes me sick. But its wrong. Its wrong because I'm not what you want right now, and that makes this impossible.
We have been on differnet pages for a long time now. What I want and need to be happy, is different from what you want and need to be happy.
I want someone that I can share every aspect of my life with, a partner for life, a soul mate. Someone who loves and understands me better than I do myself. Someone who is completely happy with me being the only woman in his life. Someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me and never leave me. I want a house, a family, a life. I do miss the single life, the attention, the sex, but it even doens't compare to the happiness I got from loving you. With all the fights and all the shit we went through together, it was still the happiest two years of my life.
You, I don't even know what you want anymore. I tried to talk to you so many times about what you want, and every time it was different. At one point you told me that you wanted to be with me in the future, like 5 years down the line. You said you knew you wanted to be with me and have a family, just not right now. You wanted to live a free life right now so you didn't miss out on anything when you looked back on your life. You said you loved me. You said you still wanted to be my rock, you still wanted to be in my life. You wanted to help me get to school, be someone I could talk to. You said I could take certain things in the split last time. When we got back together and had makeup sex, it was amazing. I asked you after if you were ok with only being with me, and not haivng the freedom to be with others, and you said yes. At that moment I thought it would all work out. I thought that I made you happy, why else would you have come back to me? But now everythings upside down. You have so much anger towards me. Everything you told me has changed. You don't want to help me with school, you don't wnat to be there for me to talk to, and I wasn't enough to keep you sexually fulfilled. Either everything you told me was a lie, or something happened to make you hate me. You said such horrible things to me, did such horrible things behind my back, and put horrible things in front of my face. What did I do to you to deserve this? When did you stop loving me? And why do you hate me so much that you have no problems delibratley hurting me?
I tried to make this work, but I guess it wasn't good enough, I didn't move fast enough for you. I loved you and what we had too much to just let go of it all at the drop of a hat, I'm sorry.
And in the end all I wanted was to come get my stuff, and be gone, be out of your life just like you wanted. I wanted it over with, I wanted to walk away from it all and never look back. And you wouldn't even let me come get my stuff, kept putting it off, not scheduling me a time. I called your mom because I thougth it might make things easier if you were too busy, she could supervise me. Why did you want to drag it out? Why not take 20 minutes out of your day, in exchange for never having to deal with me again? I am not interested in playing games, the drama, the bullshit, I just wanted a clean break. We give our shit back to eachother, break all ties, and never talk to eachother again, simple concept.
I wish things were simple, life was simple. I'm tired. Tired of fighting, and tired of fake happiness. I don't know if true love even exists. I so thought you were the one for me. I felt a connection with you that I have never felt with another person, not my sisters, not anyone. But what I feel hasn't mattered in a long time, and now you're gone, half of me is gone.
I guess I'm lucky I got a new bedset, at least my sheets dont smell like you this time. I don't have to smell you fresh out of the shower. I don't have very many waves of painful memories from seeing your things everywhere.
Thats how I want it. I want every piece of you gone. I don't want to break into tears when I see something that reminds me of you or what used to be. Thats why I left my ipod, I don't want something that is engraved with what it has on it. I actually just remembered our engraved christmas ornaments this morning, I'll probably avoid that box until I open it up at christmas time.
I officially missed you last night. As angry and confused as I am, I still missed you. And it sucked. I don't want to be weak. I shoudln't miss you with how you have hurt me. But I can't make it stop.
It was wrong to get back together. Everything was fine, it hurt both of us, but there wasn't this anger. Getting back together gave us both a chance to destroy everything, to make everything worse. I said yes because I love you and I want you so bad it makes me sick. But its wrong. Its wrong because I'm not what you want right now, and that makes this impossible.
We have been on differnet pages for a long time now. What I want and need to be happy, is different from what you want and need to be happy.
I want someone that I can share every aspect of my life with, a partner for life, a soul mate. Someone who loves and understands me better than I do myself. Someone who is completely happy with me being the only woman in his life. Someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me and never leave me. I want a house, a family, a life. I do miss the single life, the attention, the sex, but it even doens't compare to the happiness I got from loving you. With all the fights and all the shit we went through together, it was still the happiest two years of my life.
You, I don't even know what you want anymore. I tried to talk to you so many times about what you want, and every time it was different. At one point you told me that you wanted to be with me in the future, like 5 years down the line. You said you knew you wanted to be with me and have a family, just not right now. You wanted to live a free life right now so you didn't miss out on anything when you looked back on your life. You said you loved me. You said you still wanted to be my rock, you still wanted to be in my life. You wanted to help me get to school, be someone I could talk to. You said I could take certain things in the split last time. When we got back together and had makeup sex, it was amazing. I asked you after if you were ok with only being with me, and not haivng the freedom to be with others, and you said yes. At that moment I thought it would all work out. I thought that I made you happy, why else would you have come back to me? But now everythings upside down. You have so much anger towards me. Everything you told me has changed. You don't want to help me with school, you don't wnat to be there for me to talk to, and I wasn't enough to keep you sexually fulfilled. Either everything you told me was a lie, or something happened to make you hate me. You said such horrible things to me, did such horrible things behind my back, and put horrible things in front of my face. What did I do to you to deserve this? When did you stop loving me? And why do you hate me so much that you have no problems delibratley hurting me?
I tried to make this work, but I guess it wasn't good enough, I didn't move fast enough for you. I loved you and what we had too much to just let go of it all at the drop of a hat, I'm sorry.
And in the end all I wanted was to come get my stuff, and be gone, be out of your life just like you wanted. I wanted it over with, I wanted to walk away from it all and never look back. And you wouldn't even let me come get my stuff, kept putting it off, not scheduling me a time. I called your mom because I thougth it might make things easier if you were too busy, she could supervise me. Why did you want to drag it out? Why not take 20 minutes out of your day, in exchange for never having to deal with me again? I am not interested in playing games, the drama, the bullshit, I just wanted a clean break. We give our shit back to eachother, break all ties, and never talk to eachother again, simple concept.
I wish things were simple, life was simple. I'm tired. Tired of fighting, and tired of fake happiness. I don't know if true love even exists. I so thought you were the one for me. I felt a connection with you that I have never felt with another person, not my sisters, not anyone. But what I feel hasn't mattered in a long time, and now you're gone, half of me is gone.
Memories
Mar 14, 2009
1:26 PM
I find that I cant even be in the same room with you, because all I want is to hold you and make this whole mess just disappear. It hurts me to see you, or smell you after a shower, to be so close to you yet so far away and torn. You are my rock, and now you're gone, and I'm in pain and lost.
I don't want this, I so don't want this. I wanna take it all back. I wanna pretend everything is fine just so I can be close to you. I want you to hold me, I want you to kiss me, I want what we used to have. I don't know exactly where it all started to go wrong, but I want to go back to before that, and I want to stay there forever. Where we were both happy and in love.
I know you are the one for me, I've known it for a long time, I've just been afraid of it. Because of this exact thing. I feared loving you, accepting all my feelings, because I feared losing everything. This always happens, its just my life. You told me so many times you weren't going anywhere, you would never hurt me. You knew what I had been through and you tried like hell to get me to open up. Now you know why I have issues, walls, emotional episodes. Because every time I'm not wearing my armor i get stabbed. It never fails. This was no different. I was happy for a while, then life just falls apart underneath my feet.
You are the best thing that has happened to me. You have pushed me to do better for myself. And I think alot of that will come into play now, I'm a little better at standing on my own two feet now I think, I hope. I know I will never find someone as amazing as you. I could search for yars and years and never come close.
I want you to know I am not givnig up on this because I don't want to be with you. I'm doing this because of how much I really do love you. When we got together I thought that we both wanted the same things. But somewhere along the line you changed your mind, or it just got to serious or something. Maybe we wern't really supposed to meet yet, maybe it was supposed to be years from now. Idk. All I know is that for multiple reasons, being in a relationship with me, no matter how much I love you, all it does is hurt you. And thats the last thing I want to do. Ive done too much of it already. I want to be with you and I want us to be happy together, but above that, I want you to be happy. And letting you go is the only way to do that. Trying to make this work, trying to be happy together, its just forcing the situation and making it worse.
Yes this will hurt me, probably scar me for a long time. But in time I will move past it. I will learn to love again the same way you taught me when we got together. You will have fun, you'll be able to life a full life, and have plenty of memories to look back on when you're 40. I will love you for a while, but time apart makes love fade, no matter what anyone says. You say you want to be with me in the end, its not that I don't believe that you want that, but at this point, I'll believe it when I see it. I won't hold back or wait for you, I'm going to do my best to get over you and move on. But have no doubt what you have said to me will always be in the back of my mind, I'll never forget you, you'll always have a place in my heart, and I'll always wonder if you'll ever come back to me.
1:26 PM
I find that I cant even be in the same room with you, because all I want is to hold you and make this whole mess just disappear. It hurts me to see you, or smell you after a shower, to be so close to you yet so far away and torn. You are my rock, and now you're gone, and I'm in pain and lost.
I don't want this, I so don't want this. I wanna take it all back. I wanna pretend everything is fine just so I can be close to you. I want you to hold me, I want you to kiss me, I want what we used to have. I don't know exactly where it all started to go wrong, but I want to go back to before that, and I want to stay there forever. Where we were both happy and in love.
I know you are the one for me, I've known it for a long time, I've just been afraid of it. Because of this exact thing. I feared loving you, accepting all my feelings, because I feared losing everything. This always happens, its just my life. You told me so many times you weren't going anywhere, you would never hurt me. You knew what I had been through and you tried like hell to get me to open up. Now you know why I have issues, walls, emotional episodes. Because every time I'm not wearing my armor i get stabbed. It never fails. This was no different. I was happy for a while, then life just falls apart underneath my feet.
You are the best thing that has happened to me. You have pushed me to do better for myself. And I think alot of that will come into play now, I'm a little better at standing on my own two feet now I think, I hope. I know I will never find someone as amazing as you. I could search for yars and years and never come close.
I want you to know I am not givnig up on this because I don't want to be with you. I'm doing this because of how much I really do love you. When we got together I thought that we both wanted the same things. But somewhere along the line you changed your mind, or it just got to serious or something. Maybe we wern't really supposed to meet yet, maybe it was supposed to be years from now. Idk. All I know is that for multiple reasons, being in a relationship with me, no matter how much I love you, all it does is hurt you. And thats the last thing I want to do. Ive done too much of it already. I want to be with you and I want us to be happy together, but above that, I want you to be happy. And letting you go is the only way to do that. Trying to make this work, trying to be happy together, its just forcing the situation and making it worse.
Yes this will hurt me, probably scar me for a long time. But in time I will move past it. I will learn to love again the same way you taught me when we got together. You will have fun, you'll be able to life a full life, and have plenty of memories to look back on when you're 40. I will love you for a while, but time apart makes love fade, no matter what anyone says. You say you want to be with me in the end, its not that I don't believe that you want that, but at this point, I'll believe it when I see it. I won't hold back or wait for you, I'm going to do my best to get over you and move on. But have no doubt what you have said to me will always be in the back of my mind, I'll never forget you, you'll always have a place in my heart, and I'll always wonder if you'll ever come back to me.
A part of me is missing now
Mar 14, 2009
8:28 AM
This morning, I lost you, and I lost part of myself.
I still love you with all of my heart, and I probably will for a long time.
I will miss you in every aspect of my life, in every way you used to support me.
I will miss your mom, could you tell her she was wonderful to me, cuz I prolly couldn't get out a whole sentence to her right now.
These have been the best two years of my life, and I will never forget them. And I know I'll never forget you.
I see the catch 22, we were hurting eachother staying in the relationship, and now its hurting that its over.
At least all the confusion is gone now, right?
8:28 AM
This morning, I lost you, and I lost part of myself.
I still love you with all of my heart, and I probably will for a long time.
I will miss you in every aspect of my life, in every way you used to support me.
I will miss your mom, could you tell her she was wonderful to me, cuz I prolly couldn't get out a whole sentence to her right now.
These have been the best two years of my life, and I will never forget them. And I know I'll never forget you.
I see the catch 22, we were hurting eachother staying in the relationship, and now its hurting that its over.
At least all the confusion is gone now, right?
Hurt
Jan 20, 2009
11:13 AM
You're not gonna miss me. Its a blast without me around.
I at least hoped that when it came to dinner time or laundry or something, you'd miss me. But you have a mommy to do that shit for you.
I haven't seen you in days. And it hurts me so much. I miss you so bad its insane. I feel like I've been in denial the last few days. Talking about shit the same as I would if everything were fine. Trying to pretend that everything will be fine. And you know what, I haven't cried till today. Till I found out that the second I walked out the door on Saturday, you changed your bank account password. DID YOU REALLY THINK I WOULD FUCKIN CLEAR YOU OUT OR SOME SHIT? OR YOU JUST PROTECTING YOUR PRECIOUS MONEY THAT IS ALL YOURS? Well when I get paid, my money is all mine too. I changed every password to every account I have. I cried when I found out that your mom made you dinner last night, and brought it to your ass. You didn't call me and ask me to come home, or tell me that you missed me. You just went to dear old mommy, and had yourself catered too.
Maybe I shouldn't have come to do laundry today. Maybe its this house that really makes me sad. I'd hoped that I would be home by now. I'd hoped that you would have called me by now. I'd hoped that me being gone would make you miss me. But all me leaving has done is show that I'm not needed. You don't need me for sex, you don't need me to cook you dinner, you don't need me around to have fun. You don't miss me, and you don't want me to come home do you?
I'm sorry that I put so much devotion into loving you. I'm sorry that I tried so hard to trust you. I'm sorry that I tried so hard to change for you. I'm sorry I did anything, because its all a waste in the end. In the end I'm the one who ends up lonely and crushed. My whole life has been a waste. Take yourself out of my life, and what do I have? Nothing, no love, no house, no car. My life will be nothing without you. But you know that already don't you.
I'm so scared, and so hurt by this all. I can't stop crying now, and its almost time to go back to work. Great.
Michael Burton
Actually you have shit pretty backwards. SHE offered to make me dinner. I told her no. She did it anyway. She came over cuz I wouldn't go there. She gave me the food I ate it.
She offered to do my laundry but I told her know and wouldn't let her. And I changed the password on my account cuz I knew you were gonna go through money and I didn't want you to transfer money outta my account in an emotional state and blow it on beer or anything like that. And low and behold... First thing you did when you left? Cleared out the joint account.
As far as me not calling you for you to come home. Why? Why should I put all the blame on me? You sit here on your high horse like you did nothing wrong, and thats the problem its never you. We come to agreement and it's both of us but I have to fix it nearly on the spot but when Ii ask you why your still doing something its "My brain/ body takes time to change." So no I'm not going to come groveling at your feet. And I am realizing I can survive on my own. Besides I don't want I gf that I need. I don't NEED you for shit. I LVOE the things you do. But I don't NEED them. I want someone that I want around not someone I NEED to exist.
I want to want you. Not DREAD you. I love you to death and want t o spend my life with you but I think I figured it out. I'm not ready for that. I don't wanna regret not having my life 20 years down the road.
If that means that I have to risk losing you. then thats and painful step I will have to take. I am not willing to give my livelihood for anything. I want to be free for the time being. No more answering to people. Not more anything. I finally figured out the struggle I've been having. Its my own fight with myself on what I want. I know know what I want. I want to live. And part of living at 20 is being free making mistakes, not tied down to a room. I woke up sunday morning feeling better than I have in months. I felt alive than ever. I want to get out and do shit. Fly by the seat of my pants. Otherwise I will never be right. I realize now that I deeply regret passing my childhood and most of high school for adulthood.
I need to take this now while I still can. And I HATE truly hate that I am losing you in the process. But it looks like that what has to happen. I have to live my live, it I don't i will spend my life ass a shell of my former self. And I don't want that.
11:13 AM
You're not gonna miss me. Its a blast without me around.
I at least hoped that when it came to dinner time or laundry or something, you'd miss me. But you have a mommy to do that shit for you.
I haven't seen you in days. And it hurts me so much. I miss you so bad its insane. I feel like I've been in denial the last few days. Talking about shit the same as I would if everything were fine. Trying to pretend that everything will be fine. And you know what, I haven't cried till today. Till I found out that the second I walked out the door on Saturday, you changed your bank account password. DID YOU REALLY THINK I WOULD FUCKIN CLEAR YOU OUT OR SOME SHIT? OR YOU JUST PROTECTING YOUR PRECIOUS MONEY THAT IS ALL YOURS? Well when I get paid, my money is all mine too. I changed every password to every account I have. I cried when I found out that your mom made you dinner last night, and brought it to your ass. You didn't call me and ask me to come home, or tell me that you missed me. You just went to dear old mommy, and had yourself catered too.
Maybe I shouldn't have come to do laundry today. Maybe its this house that really makes me sad. I'd hoped that I would be home by now. I'd hoped that you would have called me by now. I'd hoped that me being gone would make you miss me. But all me leaving has done is show that I'm not needed. You don't need me for sex, you don't need me to cook you dinner, you don't need me around to have fun. You don't miss me, and you don't want me to come home do you?
I'm sorry that I put so much devotion into loving you. I'm sorry that I tried so hard to trust you. I'm sorry that I tried so hard to change for you. I'm sorry I did anything, because its all a waste in the end. In the end I'm the one who ends up lonely and crushed. My whole life has been a waste. Take yourself out of my life, and what do I have? Nothing, no love, no house, no car. My life will be nothing without you. But you know that already don't you.
I'm so scared, and so hurt by this all. I can't stop crying now, and its almost time to go back to work. Great.
Michael Burton
Actually you have shit pretty backwards. SHE offered to make me dinner. I told her no. She did it anyway. She came over cuz I wouldn't go there. She gave me the food I ate it.
She offered to do my laundry but I told her know and wouldn't let her. And I changed the password on my account cuz I knew you were gonna go through money and I didn't want you to transfer money outta my account in an emotional state and blow it on beer or anything like that. And low and behold... First thing you did when you left? Cleared out the joint account.
As far as me not calling you for you to come home. Why? Why should I put all the blame on me? You sit here on your high horse like you did nothing wrong, and thats the problem its never you. We come to agreement and it's both of us but I have to fix it nearly on the spot but when Ii ask you why your still doing something its "My brain/ body takes time to change." So no I'm not going to come groveling at your feet. And I am realizing I can survive on my own. Besides I don't want I gf that I need. I don't NEED you for shit. I LVOE the things you do. But I don't NEED them. I want someone that I want around not someone I NEED to exist.
I want to want you. Not DREAD you. I love you to death and want t o spend my life with you but I think I figured it out. I'm not ready for that. I don't wanna regret not having my life 20 years down the road.
If that means that I have to risk losing you. then thats and painful step I will have to take. I am not willing to give my livelihood for anything. I want to be free for the time being. No more answering to people. Not more anything. I finally figured out the struggle I've been having. Its my own fight with myself on what I want. I know know what I want. I want to live. And part of living at 20 is being free making mistakes, not tied down to a room. I woke up sunday morning feeling better than I have in months. I felt alive than ever. I want to get out and do shit. Fly by the seat of my pants. Otherwise I will never be right. I realize now that I deeply regret passing my childhood and most of high school for adulthood.
I need to take this now while I still can. And I HATE truly hate that I am losing you in the process. But it looks like that what has to happen. I have to live my live, it I don't i will spend my life ass a shell of my former self. And I don't want that.
Just getting a lot of thoughts down
Jan 18, 2009
11:15 PM
At this point, nothing fits more than the fact that its all up to you.Not that all the effort on saving us is on you, but the decision.
I know exactly what I want. I know exactly what I will do to save us. Iknow everything that I would do to spend the rest of my life waking upnext to you in the morning. I have no qualms about my feelings, ordreams. I am so not lost whatsoever at all.
Felling sad about what you might really want on the other hand, isinevitable. I can't make you love me, as much as I might want to. And Iam scared that the irritable feelings towards me have out weighed thegood ones at this point. I'm scared that you think it might be time tomove on. i'm scared that you have been thinking this for a while andjust haven't found a way to tell me. I'm scared that once again I mightlose someting that I love with my every fiber of my soul.
One thing that I hate is lies. And if you don't consider hiding thetruth a lie, then that too. I grew up surrounded by people who hidtruths, put on fake smiles, lived fake lives, pretended they were happywhen they weren't. I can't do that. I cant live like that. To be a partof a life of lies means you aren't really being true to yourslef, letalone everyone around you. As much as the truth may hurt, its real. Andsomething real feels better than any lie when it comes to life. I havelived with alot of truths, and none of them have killed me, they'veonly made me stronger. As cliche as it sounds, its true.
I want to be happy, I want you to be happy, and if at all possible, Iwant us to be happy together. I want to hold you forever. I want tokiss you a million times over right now and just fall under your spelland forget all the bad shit that has happened. I wish I could come homeright now and curl up next to you in bed and pass out for hours. I wishwe could go to breakfast in the morning like we said we would since Ididn't have to work. But those are all things that I want. And I thinkwe all know what I want. What I'm afraid of losing.
But the question is, what do you want? Do you still love me? Do youwant to be with me? Or do you want to be single again so you catch somedifferent exciting girls? Area you really as confused as you say youare, or are you really just worried about actually telling me whatyou're feeling? I'm giving you time, because I know you need it. But Iwant to know the truth. And don't think I can't handle it. Knowing thetruth will be easier on me than waiting here for your call, or yourknock at the door.
11:15 PM
At this point, nothing fits more than the fact that its all up to you.Not that all the effort on saving us is on you, but the decision.
I know exactly what I want. I know exactly what I will do to save us. Iknow everything that I would do to spend the rest of my life waking upnext to you in the morning. I have no qualms about my feelings, ordreams. I am so not lost whatsoever at all.
Felling sad about what you might really want on the other hand, isinevitable. I can't make you love me, as much as I might want to. And Iam scared that the irritable feelings towards me have out weighed thegood ones at this point. I'm scared that you think it might be time tomove on. i'm scared that you have been thinking this for a while andjust haven't found a way to tell me. I'm scared that once again I mightlose someting that I love with my every fiber of my soul.
One thing that I hate is lies. And if you don't consider hiding thetruth a lie, then that too. I grew up surrounded by people who hidtruths, put on fake smiles, lived fake lives, pretended they were happywhen they weren't. I can't do that. I cant live like that. To be a partof a life of lies means you aren't really being true to yourslef, letalone everyone around you. As much as the truth may hurt, its real. Andsomething real feels better than any lie when it comes to life. I havelived with alot of truths, and none of them have killed me, they'veonly made me stronger. As cliche as it sounds, its true.
I want to be happy, I want you to be happy, and if at all possible, Iwant us to be happy together. I want to hold you forever. I want tokiss you a million times over right now and just fall under your spelland forget all the bad shit that has happened. I wish I could come homeright now and curl up next to you in bed and pass out for hours. I wishwe could go to breakfast in the morning like we said we would since Ididn't have to work. But those are all things that I want. And I thinkwe all know what I want. What I'm afraid of losing.
But the question is, what do you want? Do you still love me? Do youwant to be with me? Or do you want to be single again so you catch somedifferent exciting girls? Area you really as confused as you say youare, or are you really just worried about actually telling me whatyou're feeling? I'm giving you time, because I know you need it. But Iwant to know the truth. And don't think I can't handle it. Knowing thetruth will be easier on me than waiting here for your call, or yourknock at the door.
Not the same
Jan 13, 2009
5:09 AM
I have come to the conclusion that every man on the face of the earth is the same in this quality. I didn't used to think so, but now I'm pretty sure. Even if a man loves a woman, there comes a point in every relationship where he is bored with her. Not turned on by her, doesn't really want her, but loves her and doesn't want to hurt her. I used to think that there were men that would love another woman with their whole heart and be happy knowing that they would have her as much as they wanted. Be happy just having her.
Maybe I'm just a freak of nature. I guess its not normal that I love you with every fiber of my being, and I'm content with that. I would be the happiest woman in the world as long as I woke up next to you every day. I am so happy to have you that I don't give a fuck about any other guys. I am perfectly capable of loving you forever, and never getting bored, never wishing I had a different guy. And no one else around me at all seems to think the same way.
You know, its funny. I thought honestly, you could be the one. But I never said it out loud, maybe I was too afraid to jinx it. Maybe I was too afraid to actually admit that I considered such a thing. But the truth is, I could see us having kids together, I could see us getting married, I could see us having a happy life. But I don't want that life to be built on lies. I don't want any more fake smiles in my life.
I love you and want you so bad it hurts just thinking of the possibility that we might go our separate ways. Thinking that I might not get to sleep next to you again. Thinking that you would never hold me in your arms again.
But it also hurts to think that things aren't the same anymore. You may love me, but its not the same. I don't want to pretend. I want to truly be happy.
5:09 AM
I have come to the conclusion that every man on the face of the earth is the same in this quality. I didn't used to think so, but now I'm pretty sure. Even if a man loves a woman, there comes a point in every relationship where he is bored with her. Not turned on by her, doesn't really want her, but loves her and doesn't want to hurt her. I used to think that there were men that would love another woman with their whole heart and be happy knowing that they would have her as much as they wanted. Be happy just having her.
Maybe I'm just a freak of nature. I guess its not normal that I love you with every fiber of my being, and I'm content with that. I would be the happiest woman in the world as long as I woke up next to you every day. I am so happy to have you that I don't give a fuck about any other guys. I am perfectly capable of loving you forever, and never getting bored, never wishing I had a different guy. And no one else around me at all seems to think the same way.
You know, its funny. I thought honestly, you could be the one. But I never said it out loud, maybe I was too afraid to jinx it. Maybe I was too afraid to actually admit that I considered such a thing. But the truth is, I could see us having kids together, I could see us getting married, I could see us having a happy life. But I don't want that life to be built on lies. I don't want any more fake smiles in my life.
I love you and want you so bad it hurts just thinking of the possibility that we might go our separate ways. Thinking that I might not get to sleep next to you again. Thinking that you would never hold me in your arms again.
But it also hurts to think that things aren't the same anymore. You may love me, but its not the same. I don't want to pretend. I want to truly be happy.
I ♥ you babe
Jan 4, 2009
1:29 AM
I started writing this probably about a month ago. I started out in a bitchy mood, but still couldn't stop thinking about what you really mean to me.
Even as a kid I was never the center of anyone's universe. I was never loved the way people deserve to be loved. I have always been a disposable person. Family, friends, boyfriends. I've always just been around, just existed, not really desired or loved. So I guess that's what I've always wanted. To be loved unconditionally. To love someone with my whole heart, and have them love me back with all of their own. To be completely vulnerable and open, but know that I am completely safe all at the same time.
I remember how scared I was to love you. Thinking how something so perfect couldn't actually be real. You are so perfect, and I don't know how you do it. So funny, caring, loving, with the wild bad boy shit all at the same time. Awesome friend, asshole, great listener, great lover. Professional, polite, rude, vulgar. Mental genius, halo freak, tv and fast food buff. Romantic, race car driver as long as you are in a car that can handle it, and sometimes even in ones that can't. You are everything from all the ends of every personality wrapped up in one package, and it all crashes together and works somehow. I know I will never find someone else as perfect as you.
On top of all of how amazing you are, you know me so well, probably better than I know myself. You have pushed me so far, helped me work through so much. You have told me before that I am your rock, well, you are the same to me. You can read me so well its scary sometimes. Honestly, no one really knows me better than you do, not my sisters, James, or anyone. And with that knowledge you have helped me do so many things. This year has been one of the hardest years for me, mentally anyways. Its hard enough just to hold it all together, let alone move forward with life. And I owe so much of my survival to you.
I love you so much, and I try to describe it all the time. And every time I write something from the heart it still doesn't come close to capturing what I feel inside. I don't think there will every be a way to describe it. And there are parts of it that I don't fully understand still. Parts of it that still scare me. Parts of it that still amaze me. I guess that's a good thing though. If I had it all figured out, then that would take all the fun out of it.
All I know is that when I am in your arms, all the bad shit in the world really does disappear. And when I roll over to kiss you while you're asleep, my heart still flutters a little. When we cuddle, I still get that overwhelming happiness that is so intense it makes me wanna cry a little, the same way I felt the first time I told you I loved you.
I <3 you babe.
Michael Burton
I don't even know what to say. Other than I Love You.
1:29 AM
I started writing this probably about a month ago. I started out in a bitchy mood, but still couldn't stop thinking about what you really mean to me.
Even as a kid I was never the center of anyone's universe. I was never loved the way people deserve to be loved. I have always been a disposable person. Family, friends, boyfriends. I've always just been around, just existed, not really desired or loved. So I guess that's what I've always wanted. To be loved unconditionally. To love someone with my whole heart, and have them love me back with all of their own. To be completely vulnerable and open, but know that I am completely safe all at the same time.
I remember how scared I was to love you. Thinking how something so perfect couldn't actually be real. You are so perfect, and I don't know how you do it. So funny, caring, loving, with the wild bad boy shit all at the same time. Awesome friend, asshole, great listener, great lover. Professional, polite, rude, vulgar. Mental genius, halo freak, tv and fast food buff. Romantic, race car driver as long as you are in a car that can handle it, and sometimes even in ones that can't. You are everything from all the ends of every personality wrapped up in one package, and it all crashes together and works somehow. I know I will never find someone else as perfect as you.
On top of all of how amazing you are, you know me so well, probably better than I know myself. You have pushed me so far, helped me work through so much. You have told me before that I am your rock, well, you are the same to me. You can read me so well its scary sometimes. Honestly, no one really knows me better than you do, not my sisters, James, or anyone. And with that knowledge you have helped me do so many things. This year has been one of the hardest years for me, mentally anyways. Its hard enough just to hold it all together, let alone move forward with life. And I owe so much of my survival to you.
I love you so much, and I try to describe it all the time. And every time I write something from the heart it still doesn't come close to capturing what I feel inside. I don't think there will every be a way to describe it. And there are parts of it that I don't fully understand still. Parts of it that still scare me. Parts of it that still amaze me. I guess that's a good thing though. If I had it all figured out, then that would take all the fun out of it.
All I know is that when I am in your arms, all the bad shit in the world really does disappear. And when I roll over to kiss you while you're asleep, my heart still flutters a little. When we cuddle, I still get that overwhelming happiness that is so intense it makes me wanna cry a little, the same way I felt the first time I told you I loved you.
I <3 you babe.
Michael Burton
I don't even know what to say. Other than I Love You.
Bullshit
Sep 28, 2008
8:07 AM
I can't believe this is all because I tried to put my issues aside. Tried to realize that he is a big part of your life and I can deal with it. Tried to not be so childish.
I realized that I don't need to hate him, don't need to ban him from the house, it doesn't really matter, its just gonna create more drama.
I tried to be a bigger person and just put shit behind me. And look what happened.
Our living room is in the garage.
We have roommates, who have say in this house too. When Heather came to me, I tried my damdest to make her happy, as well as you at the same time. I tried to come to you with the problem in a reasonable manner, I wasn't mad, I was simply trying to smooth the whole situation over.
But you got pissed at me. Pissed at the whole situation. Wouldn't even talk to me when you got home, as if it was all my fault. You told me before you got home that you had a solution, would work it out when you got home. But you wouldnt tell me what it was.
How did I know you were gonna take the living room tv out to the garage? It crossed my mind, was sure it would cross yours, but I didn't think you would actually do it.
I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm frustrated, dissapointed, scared, sad, and just about every other bad emotion right now.
I hate to think of what I am about to say, but I've spent time thinking about it.
Something changes when you are around Jay. All of a sudden in the last week, you have been different towards me. Different in general. It seems like you have this "I don't give a fuck about anyone" attitude. You automatially assume that I hate that you are talking to Jay, when actually I hate the way you are talking to me. You have purposfully kept info from me, stupid shit I know, but still. You are very uncompromising, uncaring, and short tempered. Granted that shit went bad last night and you felt how you felt, you didn't even care that you said such rude things to me, and hurt me so bad. I didn't even cry, I just completely shut down, I couldn't believe you said that shit to me, it was the worst I had felt in a long time. And you didn't seem to care at all, not one fucking bit. You were way more concerned about going to hang out with Jay. And then you didn't care about texting me when you stayed out last night. We've been down that path before, and I thought that was explained, and understood. But yet again, you don't care. And tonight you didn't care about anything but hanging out with Jay and doing exactly what you had planned on doing. Even though I came to you even tempered, just trying to find a solution, you got pissed at me like its my fault. Its not. I let down my guard about a lot of shit with Jay. I said it was fine to be in your man cave, and then fine to be in the house, I was even gonna hookah with him last night. I have been trying to move on with this, but its still my fault isn't it. Because you had plans with Jay tonight, and because they conflicted with Heather, you turned into a complete asshole. You took our 42 lcd from the living room into the garage, and the couch from the living room too, just so you could play halo with Jay. Because those were your plans and you werent changing them for anyone.
And to think all this really happened because of me, because I tried to let shit go. I tried to be a bigger, better person, and look what happened. I guess it is my fault then.
I'm tired of trying to make everyone happy. I'm tired of caring about everyone but myself. I always get fucked. I'm so fucking tired of everything. Tired of the drama, tired of the bullshit, tired of the stress, tired of being broke, tired of being sad, tired of trying to keep my head together and let the little shit slide. I have been so fine for a while now, and what the hell happened. I am completley upside down.
I'm tired of fighting, slamming doors, crying, mornings when I wake up and you're not there, tired of you keeping stupid bits of info from me, tired of so much shit.
Tired of being awake, tired of existing.
Everything is so fucking stupid. I've tried so hard, and look, we're back at square one. Its fucking bullshit, but thats my life.
8:07 AM
I can't believe this is all because I tried to put my issues aside. Tried to realize that he is a big part of your life and I can deal with it. Tried to not be so childish.
I realized that I don't need to hate him, don't need to ban him from the house, it doesn't really matter, its just gonna create more drama.
I tried to be a bigger person and just put shit behind me. And look what happened.
Our living room is in the garage.
We have roommates, who have say in this house too. When Heather came to me, I tried my damdest to make her happy, as well as you at the same time. I tried to come to you with the problem in a reasonable manner, I wasn't mad, I was simply trying to smooth the whole situation over.
But you got pissed at me. Pissed at the whole situation. Wouldn't even talk to me when you got home, as if it was all my fault. You told me before you got home that you had a solution, would work it out when you got home. But you wouldnt tell me what it was.
How did I know you were gonna take the living room tv out to the garage? It crossed my mind, was sure it would cross yours, but I didn't think you would actually do it.
I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm frustrated, dissapointed, scared, sad, and just about every other bad emotion right now.
I hate to think of what I am about to say, but I've spent time thinking about it.
Something changes when you are around Jay. All of a sudden in the last week, you have been different towards me. Different in general. It seems like you have this "I don't give a fuck about anyone" attitude. You automatially assume that I hate that you are talking to Jay, when actually I hate the way you are talking to me. You have purposfully kept info from me, stupid shit I know, but still. You are very uncompromising, uncaring, and short tempered. Granted that shit went bad last night and you felt how you felt, you didn't even care that you said such rude things to me, and hurt me so bad. I didn't even cry, I just completely shut down, I couldn't believe you said that shit to me, it was the worst I had felt in a long time. And you didn't seem to care at all, not one fucking bit. You were way more concerned about going to hang out with Jay. And then you didn't care about texting me when you stayed out last night. We've been down that path before, and I thought that was explained, and understood. But yet again, you don't care. And tonight you didn't care about anything but hanging out with Jay and doing exactly what you had planned on doing. Even though I came to you even tempered, just trying to find a solution, you got pissed at me like its my fault. Its not. I let down my guard about a lot of shit with Jay. I said it was fine to be in your man cave, and then fine to be in the house, I was even gonna hookah with him last night. I have been trying to move on with this, but its still my fault isn't it. Because you had plans with Jay tonight, and because they conflicted with Heather, you turned into a complete asshole. You took our 42 lcd from the living room into the garage, and the couch from the living room too, just so you could play halo with Jay. Because those were your plans and you werent changing them for anyone.
And to think all this really happened because of me, because I tried to let shit go. I tried to be a bigger, better person, and look what happened. I guess it is my fault then.
I'm tired of trying to make everyone happy. I'm tired of caring about everyone but myself. I always get fucked. I'm so fucking tired of everything. Tired of the drama, tired of the bullshit, tired of the stress, tired of being broke, tired of being sad, tired of trying to keep my head together and let the little shit slide. I have been so fine for a while now, and what the hell happened. I am completley upside down.
I'm tired of fighting, slamming doors, crying, mornings when I wake up and you're not there, tired of you keeping stupid bits of info from me, tired of so much shit.
Tired of being awake, tired of existing.
Everything is so fucking stupid. I've tried so hard, and look, we're back at square one. Its fucking bullshit, but thats my life.
Jesus Fucking Christ
Sep 12, 2008
1:02 AM
Today started out amazing, in fact it was amazing all the way up until I got off work.
I hurt like fucking hell because there arent any couches in the damn house and I layed on the floor. I go lay down and wait for an answer on who is going to dinner with us. I get woken up by you saying that we can't really afford to even go ourselves, and I should get dressed to go out in the living room and figure out bills with you.
Not only was I in pain when I laid down, I got woken up to shitty news, then expected to jump up and spring into action. And after we figure out bills, then I get to cook dinner, fuckin yay.
I know I can be a bitch, I know I go off about stupid things. I can't just stop myself very easily, so I distance myself. Now that I am thuroughly pissed about how the night has turned out, all I wanna do is go to bed. How many fuckin times do you just get fed up with something and say you're going to bed? Its fine for you to do it, but now that I wanna just take a night off, you throw a fit.
I am not the only one in this house that knows how to make food. I am not the house cook. I am not the house dishwasher. I am not the garbage person. I am not the toiolet scrubber. I am not the maid.
I do the things I do to make the people around me happy. I do them as a favor, I do them out of love. I do not do them because it is my job. I do not do them because I am told to.
If I decide to take a night off because I am pissed, hurt, and generally feel like shit. I should be able to without the shit hitting the fan. Another fucking adult in this house should be able to pick up the slack and cook one god damn meal.
Jesus Fucking Christ
1:02 AM
Today started out amazing, in fact it was amazing all the way up until I got off work.
I hurt like fucking hell because there arent any couches in the damn house and I layed on the floor. I go lay down and wait for an answer on who is going to dinner with us. I get woken up by you saying that we can't really afford to even go ourselves, and I should get dressed to go out in the living room and figure out bills with you.
Not only was I in pain when I laid down, I got woken up to shitty news, then expected to jump up and spring into action. And after we figure out bills, then I get to cook dinner, fuckin yay.
I know I can be a bitch, I know I go off about stupid things. I can't just stop myself very easily, so I distance myself. Now that I am thuroughly pissed about how the night has turned out, all I wanna do is go to bed. How many fuckin times do you just get fed up with something and say you're going to bed? Its fine for you to do it, but now that I wanna just take a night off, you throw a fit.
I am not the only one in this house that knows how to make food. I am not the house cook. I am not the house dishwasher. I am not the garbage person. I am not the toiolet scrubber. I am not the maid.
I do the things I do to make the people around me happy. I do them as a favor, I do them out of love. I do not do them because it is my job. I do not do them because I am told to.
If I decide to take a night off because I am pissed, hurt, and generally feel like shit. I should be able to without the shit hitting the fan. Another fucking adult in this house should be able to pick up the slack and cook one god damn meal.
Jesus Fucking Christ
Better
Aug 8, 2008
5:23 PM
I feel better.
In the middle of the chaos that I call my life, I have finally been able to step back and realize something.
This is the happiest time in my life. I wake up every morning next to the man I love. I have a nice size house, in a nice neighborhood. I see my sister every day now.
The last couple days have been different for me. Its like I'm looking at the world with a different pair of eyes lol. I feel llike I have the old me back.
GOTLAUGHTER?
that is fantastic sweetie i am so glad for you!!!
Michael Burton
You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that. I love you.
5:23 PM
I feel better.
In the middle of the chaos that I call my life, I have finally been able to step back and realize something.
This is the happiest time in my life. I wake up every morning next to the man I love. I have a nice size house, in a nice neighborhood. I see my sister every day now.
The last couple days have been different for me. Its like I'm looking at the world with a different pair of eyes lol. I feel llike I have the old me back.
GOTLAUGHTER?
that is fantastic sweetie i am so glad for you!!!
Michael Burton
You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that. I love you.
Upside down
Jul 25, 2008
5:24 AM
I don't even know what's right side up anymore.
I don't know who I am
I don't know where I'm going
I don't know what to do
I'm lost.
I think half of why I feel so lost is because of you, but really its because of me isn't it? When I found out that you haven't approved of my job since last summer, it changed things. You don't respect me at all anymore, and you make spending any time with me feel like a chore.
I can't wait for you to get home, so maybe we could sit down and watch some tv together before everyone gets home, and you can hardly wait to come home to take a nap. I try to go to bed with you every night because again, maybe we could spend some time together, but you don't want to cuddle or talk like we used to, you just roll over and try to ignore me and hope sleep comes fast. Thats when I get out of bed and come out to the computer, just like I am now, and wonder why the fuck I even attempted to go to bed with you in the first place.
And then you told me today that you wanted to spend time at home, whtile I spent time house sitting at vickis. Ya, sorry to say it, but theres no nice way to bring up that you are so fed up with me and you want some time apart, and this is such a convenient opportunity. Part of me wants to throw a fit and convince you to come with me, but the other part wants to say fuck it, if you don't want to be around me then fine, I'll just dissappear for two weeks. Maybe you would call me and want to come over, want to see me. But at the same time I'm afraid that I wouldn't get that call, afraid that I wouldn't be needed or desired. It would tear me apart to be away from you for that long, but you, right now I could see you just loving not having me around, not bitching for two weeks.
I'm so confused right now. I don't know how to feel or what to think, I'm just one big mess. I know there's something wrong and I just don't know how bad it is. I don't know if its you or if its me, if its my lack of a job, my depression, or just the money, or a combination of everything.
I'm making this private for now, because I don't want a big fight and possibly ruin your birthday. I've lived with this and not said anything for a while, a few more days won't make a difference.
5:24 AM
I don't even know what's right side up anymore.
I don't know who I am
I don't know where I'm going
I don't know what to do
I'm lost.
I think half of why I feel so lost is because of you, but really its because of me isn't it? When I found out that you haven't approved of my job since last summer, it changed things. You don't respect me at all anymore, and you make spending any time with me feel like a chore.
I can't wait for you to get home, so maybe we could sit down and watch some tv together before everyone gets home, and you can hardly wait to come home to take a nap. I try to go to bed with you every night because again, maybe we could spend some time together, but you don't want to cuddle or talk like we used to, you just roll over and try to ignore me and hope sleep comes fast. Thats when I get out of bed and come out to the computer, just like I am now, and wonder why the fuck I even attempted to go to bed with you in the first place.
And then you told me today that you wanted to spend time at home, whtile I spent time house sitting at vickis. Ya, sorry to say it, but theres no nice way to bring up that you are so fed up with me and you want some time apart, and this is such a convenient opportunity. Part of me wants to throw a fit and convince you to come with me, but the other part wants to say fuck it, if you don't want to be around me then fine, I'll just dissappear for two weeks. Maybe you would call me and want to come over, want to see me. But at the same time I'm afraid that I wouldn't get that call, afraid that I wouldn't be needed or desired. It would tear me apart to be away from you for that long, but you, right now I could see you just loving not having me around, not bitching for two weeks.
I'm so confused right now. I don't know how to feel or what to think, I'm just one big mess. I know there's something wrong and I just don't know how bad it is. I don't know if its you or if its me, if its my lack of a job, my depression, or just the money, or a combination of everything.
I'm making this private for now, because I don't want a big fight and possibly ruin your birthday. I've lived with this and not said anything for a while, a few more days won't make a difference.
Failure
Jun 4, 2008
5:00 PM
How can I feel like such a failure when I have come this far.
I have you, I have this amazing house. I have progressed emotionally, at least I thought I had. You have always been there for me to help me, to be patient with me, to remind me that you loved me and that you weren't leaving my side.
But somehow I have failed at so much. My goals, everything that has been me has fallen out from under me. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. My job that I love I know I have to leave, its just not good enough anymore, Maybe it wasn't good enough all along and I just convinced myself it was. My sisters that I wanted to give the world to, would give my own life for, don't want anything to do with me anymore. You, it seems all we do is fight anymore. And now it seems like you hate me for what I have become.
All these things were my life, my future, and now they are all broken. I'm broken. And it's all my fault. Maybe I don't know how to love someone without pushing them away. Maybe I'm more messed up than I thought.
As I look at my display picture, I remember when every single day was so easy. And I wonder what happened. What happened to me. Why is it all so damn hard now? Why do I have so many issues, why am I so insane? I hate what I have become, I hate what I am doing to you. And it feels like you hate me for it too now. When I'm upset, my anger comes in waves. One minute I'll be pissed, the next I want to cry, the next I just wanna drop it. And at the same time I'm trying to curb my short fuse. And for like the last few days, I can make it go away after it flares up. When I am standing there, anger pushed away, feeling better, I get a better view of you, at your feelings. And what I see is more than just anger at the situation. What I get from your anger is more an anger towards me, towards my emotions, not just the words I am saying, but really towards me. And I understand why, it just hurts. Not only have I hurt you with my actions, but now I have turned you against me for lack of better words.
One of the biggest reasons I love you is because of how patient you have been with me. And I think why this hurts the most is because I can tell you're done trying to be patient with me. You're done, you've actually told it to me. And what sucks is this is when I need you most. I am trying to overcome alot all at once, it's probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. To try to fix myself, better myself, and not lose us and the house at the same time. In my past all the big things that went wrong for me I just had to walk away from, move on from. This is different. Its hard for me to actually confront things, but I'm trying.
It's not easy for me to change myself, to confront my own defects, to get a new job with my qualifications and self esteem, to not hurt you in the process. I am trying though, and my only hope is that it's not too late. I love you, and I need you here for me, now more than ever babe. Please don't give up on me.
Michael Burton
Like I've said many times I'm not going anywhere I may get there pissed off but I will still be there.
5:00 PM
How can I feel like such a failure when I have come this far.
I have you, I have this amazing house. I have progressed emotionally, at least I thought I had. You have always been there for me to help me, to be patient with me, to remind me that you loved me and that you weren't leaving my side.
But somehow I have failed at so much. My goals, everything that has been me has fallen out from under me. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. My job that I love I know I have to leave, its just not good enough anymore, Maybe it wasn't good enough all along and I just convinced myself it was. My sisters that I wanted to give the world to, would give my own life for, don't want anything to do with me anymore. You, it seems all we do is fight anymore. And now it seems like you hate me for what I have become.
All these things were my life, my future, and now they are all broken. I'm broken. And it's all my fault. Maybe I don't know how to love someone without pushing them away. Maybe I'm more messed up than I thought.
As I look at my display picture, I remember when every single day was so easy. And I wonder what happened. What happened to me. Why is it all so damn hard now? Why do I have so many issues, why am I so insane? I hate what I have become, I hate what I am doing to you. And it feels like you hate me for it too now. When I'm upset, my anger comes in waves. One minute I'll be pissed, the next I want to cry, the next I just wanna drop it. And at the same time I'm trying to curb my short fuse. And for like the last few days, I can make it go away after it flares up. When I am standing there, anger pushed away, feeling better, I get a better view of you, at your feelings. And what I see is more than just anger at the situation. What I get from your anger is more an anger towards me, towards my emotions, not just the words I am saying, but really towards me. And I understand why, it just hurts. Not only have I hurt you with my actions, but now I have turned you against me for lack of better words.
One of the biggest reasons I love you is because of how patient you have been with me. And I think why this hurts the most is because I can tell you're done trying to be patient with me. You're done, you've actually told it to me. And what sucks is this is when I need you most. I am trying to overcome alot all at once, it's probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. To try to fix myself, better myself, and not lose us and the house at the same time. In my past all the big things that went wrong for me I just had to walk away from, move on from. This is different. Its hard for me to actually confront things, but I'm trying.
It's not easy for me to change myself, to confront my own defects, to get a new job with my qualifications and self esteem, to not hurt you in the process. I am trying though, and my only hope is that it's not too late. I love you, and I need you here for me, now more than ever babe. Please don't give up on me.
Michael Burton
Like I've said many times I'm not going anywhere I may get there pissed off but I will still be there.
What is happening?
May 12, 2008
8:29 AM
I don't know, but I do know.
I shouldn't say anything because its just gonna be another fight.
But I know. I've been here before, more than once. I'm not stupid.
I know by the way you act towards me when you go over there. The fact that you avoid my eyes when you say goodbye.
The fact that the two times you have gone over there you have spend the night both times. I know it's explainable, but still very coincidental.
The fact that I am not allowed to hang out with her or meet her for more than 30 seconds in passing at the mall. I told you that it made me uncomfortable. I told you that I would like to meet her, hang out, get a feel for the situation so I woulnd't freak out anymore. You wanna have friends that don't know me, fine. But she is different. And you know it. You are purposfully keeping me from her.
You told me that hanging out with her gave you some closure. She isn't just an ex, she is a friend, and a friend first. I can accept that. But not when it feels way too weird. If you two have closure now, then I don't understand what I saw at the mall. I saw the way you looked at her and the way she looked at you. She was way too nervious being around me and you together. You two still have something. You two still want eachother.
And then as we walked away, you said "there, are you happy now" Like it was some sort of display. Like it was supposed to make me happy to just see her in passing. I asked to hang out, to whitness the relationship you two have, to see you interact, not just see her for 30 seconds. I get a lot out of body language and tone of voice.
Then she texted you and thinks I don't like her. Yea, I don't really. Because I haven't been given the opportunity to get to know her, to like her. All I know is what I have seen and been told by you. You first of all, hid the fact that she was there the first night you went over. Then after I expressed to you how I felt about the situation nothing changed. You went back over two days later and did the same thing. I don't like the fact that she obviously has a way with you still. I don't like her being a secret. I don't like you keeping it from me and continuously going over there without me. I don't like someone who could desroy what I have, what I love.
What I am saying is, I'm not stupid. I have been in this situation before. I have been lied to, played behind my back. I'm not saying that you are fucking her or anything. I am saying there is something going on. I can see it. I can feel it. And you may not be necesarily lying to me, but to me leaving out the truth is the same as lying. There are things going on you are not telling me about. Things you are keeping secret.
It really really hurts me that I have put my faith in the fact that you tell me you aren't going anywhere. I trust you with my heart, a heart that has been abandoned and broken so many times before. I make a big decision to get a house with you, to move forward with our lives. I love you so much, I don't think you even know. I may be mad all the time at damn near everything, but that never once changes the fact that I love you. I woulnd't be where I am right now, in this house, together for a year and a half, if I wasn't serious about us.
And you know the most important part of a relationship for me is honesty. I don't know what has happened. But now you are hiding things from me. And you mentioned the sandwiches thing, how you hid that and it upset you that you felt you had to do it. I know thats bad, I know its bad that I would freak out over that. And I'm sorry. But Chelle. Chelle's different. You hiding that from me, that is way different. You hiding whatever is going on is killing me.
If you don't love me anymore. If I am too bitchy, too fat, to psycho for you, I'm sorry. I never meant to push you away. Jesus, why would I push away the only thing I have left? I never thought I would even be saying the things I am saying now. I hurt so bad. I know somehing is being hidden behind my back, something serious. And if you love me, if we have gotten this far together. Then how could you do this to me?
8:29 AM
I don't know, but I do know.
I shouldn't say anything because its just gonna be another fight.
But I know. I've been here before, more than once. I'm not stupid.
I know by the way you act towards me when you go over there. The fact that you avoid my eyes when you say goodbye.
The fact that the two times you have gone over there you have spend the night both times. I know it's explainable, but still very coincidental.
The fact that I am not allowed to hang out with her or meet her for more than 30 seconds in passing at the mall. I told you that it made me uncomfortable. I told you that I would like to meet her, hang out, get a feel for the situation so I woulnd't freak out anymore. You wanna have friends that don't know me, fine. But she is different. And you know it. You are purposfully keeping me from her.
You told me that hanging out with her gave you some closure. She isn't just an ex, she is a friend, and a friend first. I can accept that. But not when it feels way too weird. If you two have closure now, then I don't understand what I saw at the mall. I saw the way you looked at her and the way she looked at you. She was way too nervious being around me and you together. You two still have something. You two still want eachother.
And then as we walked away, you said "there, are you happy now" Like it was some sort of display. Like it was supposed to make me happy to just see her in passing. I asked to hang out, to whitness the relationship you two have, to see you interact, not just see her for 30 seconds. I get a lot out of body language and tone of voice.
Then she texted you and thinks I don't like her. Yea, I don't really. Because I haven't been given the opportunity to get to know her, to like her. All I know is what I have seen and been told by you. You first of all, hid the fact that she was there the first night you went over. Then after I expressed to you how I felt about the situation nothing changed. You went back over two days later and did the same thing. I don't like the fact that she obviously has a way with you still. I don't like her being a secret. I don't like you keeping it from me and continuously going over there without me. I don't like someone who could desroy what I have, what I love.
What I am saying is, I'm not stupid. I have been in this situation before. I have been lied to, played behind my back. I'm not saying that you are fucking her or anything. I am saying there is something going on. I can see it. I can feel it. And you may not be necesarily lying to me, but to me leaving out the truth is the same as lying. There are things going on you are not telling me about. Things you are keeping secret.
It really really hurts me that I have put my faith in the fact that you tell me you aren't going anywhere. I trust you with my heart, a heart that has been abandoned and broken so many times before. I make a big decision to get a house with you, to move forward with our lives. I love you so much, I don't think you even know. I may be mad all the time at damn near everything, but that never once changes the fact that I love you. I woulnd't be where I am right now, in this house, together for a year and a half, if I wasn't serious about us.
And you know the most important part of a relationship for me is honesty. I don't know what has happened. But now you are hiding things from me. And you mentioned the sandwiches thing, how you hid that and it upset you that you felt you had to do it. I know thats bad, I know its bad that I would freak out over that. And I'm sorry. But Chelle. Chelle's different. You hiding that from me, that is way different. You hiding whatever is going on is killing me.
If you don't love me anymore. If I am too bitchy, too fat, to psycho for you, I'm sorry. I never meant to push you away. Jesus, why would I push away the only thing I have left? I never thought I would even be saying the things I am saying now. I hurt so bad. I know somehing is being hidden behind my back, something serious. And if you love me, if we have gotten this far together. Then how could you do this to me?
It means alot
May 4, 2008
9:30 PM
I'm not pissed, I'm not mad.
I'm sad.
I feel most volnurable when I am in bed. Half naked, in the dark, alone. The dark has always played mind games with me. Not that I am scared of it persay, but I'm not comfortable in it.
But all that goes away when you are next to me. When I fall asleep with you in bed with me I feel safe and calm. When I wake up for any reason and roll over to see you sleeping next to me, it asures me that I am not alone and am still safe.
However, it makes me so sad to crawl into a big empty bed all by myself, knowing that you will not be crawling in next to me any time soon. It makes me feel so on edge that although I should be sleeping, half the time I don't while you're wherever you are instead of in bed. And when I do sleep I wake up all the time at noises thinking it might be you opening the door.
And the times when I wake up in the middle of the night knowing that you were at one point next to me, only to find you gone. That hurts. I roll over expecting to nudge you or feel your warmth, hear your snoring, something. But it feels weird, and I open my eyes, to see I am all alone in the bed. Once again.
To sleep next to someone, to feel completley comfortable. Its a big step in trust. Do you remember when we first got together and every time you even moved in the middle of the night, I would jump awake, scared shitless? Then do you remember when you could finally get out of bed and go to the bathroom and stuff and I wouldn't even budge? I'm comfortable in the fact that nothing is going to hurt me, and you will be there next to me when I wake up.
And I have tried to express this to you a few times in the las week or so, but I'm not sure I am expressing myself right, or if I am even making any sense. I understand there are nights that you can't control, like when you are working. But on the nights that you can control, and the mornings that we have together, I am still left alone. I'm sorry if this is just another stupid quirk to me that really means nothing to you, but it means alot to me.
9:30 PM
I'm not pissed, I'm not mad.
I'm sad.
I feel most volnurable when I am in bed. Half naked, in the dark, alone. The dark has always played mind games with me. Not that I am scared of it persay, but I'm not comfortable in it.
But all that goes away when you are next to me. When I fall asleep with you in bed with me I feel safe and calm. When I wake up for any reason and roll over to see you sleeping next to me, it asures me that I am not alone and am still safe.
However, it makes me so sad to crawl into a big empty bed all by myself, knowing that you will not be crawling in next to me any time soon. It makes me feel so on edge that although I should be sleeping, half the time I don't while you're wherever you are instead of in bed. And when I do sleep I wake up all the time at noises thinking it might be you opening the door.
And the times when I wake up in the middle of the night knowing that you were at one point next to me, only to find you gone. That hurts. I roll over expecting to nudge you or feel your warmth, hear your snoring, something. But it feels weird, and I open my eyes, to see I am all alone in the bed. Once again.
To sleep next to someone, to feel completley comfortable. Its a big step in trust. Do you remember when we first got together and every time you even moved in the middle of the night, I would jump awake, scared shitless? Then do you remember when you could finally get out of bed and go to the bathroom and stuff and I wouldn't even budge? I'm comfortable in the fact that nothing is going to hurt me, and you will be there next to me when I wake up.
And I have tried to express this to you a few times in the las week or so, but I'm not sure I am expressing myself right, or if I am even making any sense. I understand there are nights that you can't control, like when you are working. But on the nights that you can control, and the mornings that we have together, I am still left alone. I'm sorry if this is just another stupid quirk to me that really means nothing to you, but it means alot to me.
Life
Apr 6, 2008
9:32 PM
Life is... life
Its as unpredictable as a drunk fuck at a party. Is he gonna puke, is he gonna play some video games, start a fight, take a nap. It can all go wrong in a split second, but on the other hand it has the potential to be one hell of an amazing night.
Shitty things happen to good people, and the bitches like my mother have skated by their whole lives.
But every now and then, the world takes a break shitting on you. Every now and then, you get ahead. I guess thats why I stay at it, why I still get up every morning. I still have hope that life can work out the way I’ve wished for years. I still hope that my sisters won’t fail at the hands of my mother.
My life is like a war. I’m like a soldier that would give his life without a second thought. With family members that think I’m a failure. With the people your fighting for don’t believe in your cause. But I still give it my all. I would still give my life for those girls.
Life doesn’t take fans or people who approve of you. It takes heart, love and dedication.
9:32 PM
Life is... life
Its as unpredictable as a drunk fuck at a party. Is he gonna puke, is he gonna play some video games, start a fight, take a nap. It can all go wrong in a split second, but on the other hand it has the potential to be one hell of an amazing night.
Shitty things happen to good people, and the bitches like my mother have skated by their whole lives.
But every now and then, the world takes a break shitting on you. Every now and then, you get ahead. I guess thats why I stay at it, why I still get up every morning. I still have hope that life can work out the way I’ve wished for years. I still hope that my sisters won’t fail at the hands of my mother.
My life is like a war. I’m like a soldier that would give his life without a second thought. With family members that think I’m a failure. With the people your fighting for don’t believe in your cause. But I still give it my all. I would still give my life for those girls.
Life doesn’t take fans or people who approve of you. It takes heart, love and dedication.
Ridiculskdfesovnac
Apr 1, 2008
11:02 PM
Have you ever tried to put on mascara on with tears in your eyes? It’s quite a challenge.
I thougth this day was a good day, maybe I was wrong all along. You were angry from the moment I texted you to tell you the date of the party. Which is probably why you didn’t respond. You were angry for not considering you in the booking of my party. You were angry at the timing I picked, angry at me for being so inconsiderate of what you wanted.
Then you got angry at me for buying that v8 thing. Because aparently I get mad at you for the same thing. And you know what? I don’t even remember the last time I told you we had soda at home and not to get something on the go. As a matter of fact, last weekend when we were at the flea market I got a water and you got a soda. And at the gas station I got that fuze thing, and you got two pepsis. But did I tell you, we have those at home, either time? Nope. But you still jumped at the opportunity to yell at me for buying what I did.
Every time I stop caring about the world and every single thing in my life all at the same time, when I just do just because, when I live a little, there is hell to pay. Now I feel like shit again. I’m tired because yet again I only got maybe two hours of sleep last night, of which is taking its toll on me, I sleep half the day at work cuz I can’t physically stay awake.
I don’t even want to go back to work right now. Seems a little ironic. My job is to deal with, help, and control emotionally disturbed children, and yet I’m not emotionally stable myself. How does that work? Does it really matter, its the only thing I can do, right? I’m stuck. I’m hopeless. This is all so fuckin ridiculous.
Michael Burton
Yay lets blame Mike again. It's always Mike. Geuss I am a piece of shit. What the hell do you want me to do? You booked this party for the worst time and you didn't talk to me about it. GOD DAMN I'm sorry I wanted to be part of that choice since I am beign kicked the fuck out of the house for some 5-6 hours... So Here I am, out of the house for 5 hours broke as shit pay day is 3 days away and all so you can have something with your friends. But I'm the piece of shit ok. Fine. Guess I am.
11:02 PM
Have you ever tried to put on mascara on with tears in your eyes? It’s quite a challenge.
I thougth this day was a good day, maybe I was wrong all along. You were angry from the moment I texted you to tell you the date of the party. Which is probably why you didn’t respond. You were angry for not considering you in the booking of my party. You were angry at the timing I picked, angry at me for being so inconsiderate of what you wanted.
Then you got angry at me for buying that v8 thing. Because aparently I get mad at you for the same thing. And you know what? I don’t even remember the last time I told you we had soda at home and not to get something on the go. As a matter of fact, last weekend when we were at the flea market I got a water and you got a soda. And at the gas station I got that fuze thing, and you got two pepsis. But did I tell you, we have those at home, either time? Nope. But you still jumped at the opportunity to yell at me for buying what I did.
Every time I stop caring about the world and every single thing in my life all at the same time, when I just do just because, when I live a little, there is hell to pay. Now I feel like shit again. I’m tired because yet again I only got maybe two hours of sleep last night, of which is taking its toll on me, I sleep half the day at work cuz I can’t physically stay awake.
I don’t even want to go back to work right now. Seems a little ironic. My job is to deal with, help, and control emotionally disturbed children, and yet I’m not emotionally stable myself. How does that work? Does it really matter, its the only thing I can do, right? I’m stuck. I’m hopeless. This is all so fuckin ridiculous.
Michael Burton
Yay lets blame Mike again. It's always Mike. Geuss I am a piece of shit. What the hell do you want me to do? You booked this party for the worst time and you didn't talk to me about it. GOD DAMN I'm sorry I wanted to be part of that choice since I am beign kicked the fuck out of the house for some 5-6 hours... So Here I am, out of the house for 5 hours broke as shit pay day is 3 days away and all so you can have something with your friends. But I'm the piece of shit ok. Fine. Guess I am.
Tell me how to fix me then
Mar 13, 2008
7:47 PM
Current mood:crappy
You’re mad at me. For what? For feeling like I deserve a break every now and then? You wonder what I’m gonna do when I get a different job, one that doesn’t have breaks like this one. How will I manage then? What will I do?
I do deserve a break. You deserve one just as much as me, and I’m sorry you don’t have them like I do. I’m sorry my breaks happen to be unpaid. I’m sorry that every few months I skip a beat in the money making process. But I am not sorry that I get them. I need them. I have been over this before.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t have medical insurance so I can’t get a professional opinion at the moment. But I have come to the conclusion that I am bipolar, and you seem to agree with that. Thats step one, figuring out the problem.
Step two is fixing it or coping with it. Now, since I don’t have any sort of insurance, I have to find ways to deal with my spiraling roler coaster of emotions in a more home remedy style. And I think, what better way to level out than have a little vacation? Not actually go anywhere, not spend any money, just sit back and watch time go on past you. Do absolutley nothing but the things I wanna do for a whole week. Think about my life, the things I have done and the places I’m headed, and remind myself that everythings not scary, it’s really all right on track.
So yet again, here we are. You’re mad at me because I get to take a break. Us sleeping on seprate sides of the bed not touching eachother. All because I’m excited about getting a week off work. And you know what, thats my job. I get breaks. Am I supposed to freak out about the breaks and the lack of pay just like I freak out about everything else in life? Or am I just supposed to get another job? Oh yea, what am I gonna do when I get another job? One that has no breaks? I don’t fucking know. But I bet I’ll go insane. I’ll be more exausted than I am every day now, and I’ll be more miserable.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m trying to cope with myself here. I’m fighting battles with my own mind every day. I mean this should be one of the happiest moments in my life right now. We just got a house, and we move in tomorrow. I have you, and I’m gonna get Sam. Everything is coming together. And yet, here I am writing this as I wipe tears from my face. And after I’m done, I’m gonna crawl into bed. But we won’t touch, you won’t hold me, because you’re mad at me.
Michael Burton
So I guess then that it's wrong of me to want to have a break too. Shit I would love a beak. But guess what I don't get one. I don't get to take a vacation for ANOTHER year. I’m sorry that you flaunting this break that “So badly need” upset’s me. I’m sorry that the lack of pay gets to me. But you get breaks all the time. If I took an unpaid week guess what. We would lose all the shit we have been fighting for. This is the adult world you can’t just take a break cuz you feel like it. We’ve discussed the fact that you need a new job. One that doesn’t pay you for 9 months of the year. Yet because the problem isn’t in front of us you have forgotten it. It’s March already… And it’s half way over. Three months until you are back to the no work shit again. And guess what, this is about the time you started looking last year. We can’t stop looking I know you like your job but we need more, and it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen anytime soon. And I for one DO NOT want to lose this house because we don’t have enough to pay for it. Cuz if Jay doesn’t get working by July the same month your money gets in… That’s 1900 from me, 400 from you and what ever aid we get from Sammie for a $1200 Rent, $250 car, $200 Insurance, $150 Phones. And that’s my checks right there. And that’s before gas and food and what ever else may come up. And for our age I have a good job. But of course you make it all on me.
And for the no touching thing, that did happen, but only cuz I was mad that you jumped into bed after reaming me about not doing that exact thing.
7:47 PM
Current mood:crappy
You’re mad at me. For what? For feeling like I deserve a break every now and then? You wonder what I’m gonna do when I get a different job, one that doesn’t have breaks like this one. How will I manage then? What will I do?
I do deserve a break. You deserve one just as much as me, and I’m sorry you don’t have them like I do. I’m sorry my breaks happen to be unpaid. I’m sorry that every few months I skip a beat in the money making process. But I am not sorry that I get them. I need them. I have been over this before.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t have medical insurance so I can’t get a professional opinion at the moment. But I have come to the conclusion that I am bipolar, and you seem to agree with that. Thats step one, figuring out the problem.
Step two is fixing it or coping with it. Now, since I don’t have any sort of insurance, I have to find ways to deal with my spiraling roler coaster of emotions in a more home remedy style. And I think, what better way to level out than have a little vacation? Not actually go anywhere, not spend any money, just sit back and watch time go on past you. Do absolutley nothing but the things I wanna do for a whole week. Think about my life, the things I have done and the places I’m headed, and remind myself that everythings not scary, it’s really all right on track.
So yet again, here we are. You’re mad at me because I get to take a break. Us sleeping on seprate sides of the bed not touching eachother. All because I’m excited about getting a week off work. And you know what, thats my job. I get breaks. Am I supposed to freak out about the breaks and the lack of pay just like I freak out about everything else in life? Or am I just supposed to get another job? Oh yea, what am I gonna do when I get another job? One that has no breaks? I don’t fucking know. But I bet I’ll go insane. I’ll be more exausted than I am every day now, and I’ll be more miserable.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m trying to cope with myself here. I’m fighting battles with my own mind every day. I mean this should be one of the happiest moments in my life right now. We just got a house, and we move in tomorrow. I have you, and I’m gonna get Sam. Everything is coming together. And yet, here I am writing this as I wipe tears from my face. And after I’m done, I’m gonna crawl into bed. But we won’t touch, you won’t hold me, because you’re mad at me.
Michael Burton
So I guess then that it's wrong of me to want to have a break too. Shit I would love a beak. But guess what I don't get one. I don't get to take a vacation for ANOTHER year. I’m sorry that you flaunting this break that “So badly need” upset’s me. I’m sorry that the lack of pay gets to me. But you get breaks all the time. If I took an unpaid week guess what. We would lose all the shit we have been fighting for. This is the adult world you can’t just take a break cuz you feel like it. We’ve discussed the fact that you need a new job. One that doesn’t pay you for 9 months of the year. Yet because the problem isn’t in front of us you have forgotten it. It’s March already… And it’s half way over. Three months until you are back to the no work shit again. And guess what, this is about the time you started looking last year. We can’t stop looking I know you like your job but we need more, and it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen anytime soon. And I for one DO NOT want to lose this house because we don’t have enough to pay for it. Cuz if Jay doesn’t get working by July the same month your money gets in… That’s 1900 from me, 400 from you and what ever aid we get from Sammie for a $1200 Rent, $250 car, $200 Insurance, $150 Phones. And that’s my checks right there. And that’s before gas and food and what ever else may come up. And for our age I have a good job. But of course you make it all on me.
And for the no touching thing, that did happen, but only cuz I was mad that you jumped into bed after reaming me about not doing that exact thing.
Painful love
Mar 9, 2008
5:17 PM
Sometimes it's hard. Hard to know that people that you love hate you. Or maybe they don't, maybe they're just as stubborn as you. Maybe everything that has gone wrong is just stupid, and maybe its really important.
Maybe, maybe, maybe not.
I know that I miss her. I know she is hard as hell to live with and be around. She is hell on fire walking among us. But I love her, and I miss her.
I know that we will probably eventually start talking again. But it will take a long time. She hates me right now for what I have said and done. And it will take a long time for both of us to forgive eachother. Meanwhile, it hurts.
GOTLAUGHTER?
sweetie i am not sure who you are talking about but take it from me you need to resolve this as soon as possible because life is too short for this stuff i say apologize even if you are not in the wrong i know i didn't apologize soon enough!
5:17 PM
Sometimes it's hard. Hard to know that people that you love hate you. Or maybe they don't, maybe they're just as stubborn as you. Maybe everything that has gone wrong is just stupid, and maybe its really important.
Maybe, maybe, maybe not.
I know that I miss her. I know she is hard as hell to live with and be around. She is hell on fire walking among us. But I love her, and I miss her.
I know that we will probably eventually start talking again. But it will take a long time. She hates me right now for what I have said and done. And it will take a long time for both of us to forgive eachother. Meanwhile, it hurts.
GOTLAUGHTER?
sweetie i am not sure who you are talking about but take it from me you need to resolve this as soon as possible because life is too short for this stuff i say apologize even if you are not in the wrong i know i didn't apologize soon enough!
Honesty
Feb 9, 2008
1:47 PM
The most important thing to me is honesty. I can't stand being lied to. And when you purposfully don't tell me something, thats the same as lying to me. Yea, I would have been against the idea. But only becuase I thought we agreed on what to spend out tax refunds on. But to avoid having me say no to it, you did it behind my back, and didn't intend on telling me.
And then I get very upset. And you get mad at me for being mad at you, and here we are. We didn't do what we planned today. Because you were too mad at me to go anywhere with me. Like I'm the bad person for being upset about you lying to me. Or if you don't like the word lying, going behind my back then.
What the fuck does it sound like we're turning into? Dick and Heather, and that scares me. All along I have tried to be reasonable as well as structured and logical. But I didn't know I was that much of a bitch. Am I really that horrible, that you now don't include me in things because of what I might say?
1:47 PM
The most important thing to me is honesty. I can't stand being lied to. And when you purposfully don't tell me something, thats the same as lying to me. Yea, I would have been against the idea. But only becuase I thought we agreed on what to spend out tax refunds on. But to avoid having me say no to it, you did it behind my back, and didn't intend on telling me.
And then I get very upset. And you get mad at me for being mad at you, and here we are. We didn't do what we planned today. Because you were too mad at me to go anywhere with me. Like I'm the bad person for being upset about you lying to me. Or if you don't like the word lying, going behind my back then.
What the fuck does it sound like we're turning into? Dick and Heather, and that scares me. All along I have tried to be reasonable as well as structured and logical. But I didn't know I was that much of a bitch. Am I really that horrible, that you now don't include me in things because of what I might say?
Complications
Dec 29, 2007
1:58 PM
I realize that the previous blog was more about money than I intended. Its more than that.
I feel so upside-down. I feel like a failure to everyone around me and to myself. I feel every day is a waste. And then there are times that I don't feel anything because in actuality I am feeling everything at once. That is today. I am so messed up, you have no idea.
It's not that I hate anyone around me. I love Mike, my sisters, my friends, and most of my family. Everyone tries to be there for me. Someone has always been there for me to lean on, for years. But I have never been there for myself.
I feel like I am caving in on my own consiousness. My mind is running so fast and I can't stop it, and now its throbbing. Sometimes I feel in complete control, and others all I can do is cry unconrollably and hold my hands to my head warm with tears is if they were covered in blood. I constantly feel in need of a shower because I am disgusted with myself, but at the same time, lack the energy or desire to do so. I don't want to get up in the mornings, I just want the world to go on without me, but when I lay in bed for hours on end my body aches. So either way I'm fucked. When I do get out of bed, I seem fine. But aparently I'm really not. Because it only takes one thing, one simple little thing to throw me off for the rest of the day. I drop the keys, the cat makes loud noises, a phone call, anything. Its like every day I wear a mask of sanity, but its not really me. I'm not really me anymore.
I just want everything to slow down. I want peace in my brain, I want relaxation. Without drugs. I want to find myself again. Thats what this vacation was about. You think I was excited about not getting paid. I was excited about trying to chill the fuck out and maybe find who I used to be again. But its all gotten fucked up. I'm worse than I was a week ago. And I'll go back to work like this and I'll fuckin snap. It could cost me my job, who knows. All I know is that I'm not right. And I want to fix me, I want to find me. I don't want to go to some hospital and get put on some drugs. I don't want to be insane. I don't want to lose anyone I love. I just want to be me. Haha, I make it sound so damn simple, but nothing is simple is it. Especially the human brain and emotions. Especially me.
1:58 PM
I realize that the previous blog was more about money than I intended. Its more than that.
I feel so upside-down. I feel like a failure to everyone around me and to myself. I feel every day is a waste. And then there are times that I don't feel anything because in actuality I am feeling everything at once. That is today. I am so messed up, you have no idea.
It's not that I hate anyone around me. I love Mike, my sisters, my friends, and most of my family. Everyone tries to be there for me. Someone has always been there for me to lean on, for years. But I have never been there for myself.
I feel like I am caving in on my own consiousness. My mind is running so fast and I can't stop it, and now its throbbing. Sometimes I feel in complete control, and others all I can do is cry unconrollably and hold my hands to my head warm with tears is if they were covered in blood. I constantly feel in need of a shower because I am disgusted with myself, but at the same time, lack the energy or desire to do so. I don't want to get up in the mornings, I just want the world to go on without me, but when I lay in bed for hours on end my body aches. So either way I'm fucked. When I do get out of bed, I seem fine. But aparently I'm really not. Because it only takes one thing, one simple little thing to throw me off for the rest of the day. I drop the keys, the cat makes loud noises, a phone call, anything. Its like every day I wear a mask of sanity, but its not really me. I'm not really me anymore.
I just want everything to slow down. I want peace in my brain, I want relaxation. Without drugs. I want to find myself again. Thats what this vacation was about. You think I was excited about not getting paid. I was excited about trying to chill the fuck out and maybe find who I used to be again. But its all gotten fucked up. I'm worse than I was a week ago. And I'll go back to work like this and I'll fuckin snap. It could cost me my job, who knows. All I know is that I'm not right. And I want to fix me, I want to find me. I don't want to go to some hospital and get put on some drugs. I don't want to be insane. I don't want to lose anyone I love. I just want to be me. Haha, I make it sound so damn simple, but nothing is simple is it. Especially the human brain and emotions. Especially me.
Tired
Dec 28, 2007
7:48 PM
Why do I try so hard
Why do I care so much
Why do I put everyone elses needs above mine
When all it does is bring me to tears
I thought that this vacation was gonna be something I could use to calm down. I need a break from stress, a break from life. But it's no different. When I wake up theres still a life that demands my presence. Demands things that can't be done. This is all so fucking rediculous. I can't balance my account anymore. I don't get paid enough. I cant help my sisters. I can't go a day without fighting with Mike. I don't even get laid that often anymore, because aparently a raging bitch isn't that attractive.
I'm so tired.
Tired of trying, tired of stressing, tired of crying, tired of yelling.
Tired of not having money for food or gas, tired of wondering where it all goes, how the fuck its all gonna work. Cuz a week before payday, it doesn't work.
Right now.
Its hard.
Its hard to even get out of bed in the morning.
Its hard knowing that we're gonna get in a fight. It's inevitable now.
Its hard to shower. Why the fuck make myself look presentable when the days is gonna be a waste anyways?
I get mad at myself. I get mad at animals. I get mad when I drop something. I get mad when I have to cook dinner, I used to love to cook.
What happened to me.
What am I doing wrong. I've been trying to figure it out for a while and I just don't know anymore.
James
I really feel you rachel I'm sorry. I know what it's like to be stuck in a rut like that im kinda in one now.
In times like these you kinda have to step out of your box & do what you have to do. Take charge. We are the only ones that can make change for ourselves.
I know you are really smart & there are alot of things you can do. You'll figure it out.
Michael Burton
Not all of the problem is you.
Not all of the problem is me.
Yes I am bad with money.
I am busting my ass all the time at work because its the chance we have to get out. I spend all day long working dealing with Peters shit, with him shit talking me and knowing I have to take it like a bitch because that's all we have.
And its frustrating to me to see hear you complain, oh theres no money, oh I hate my job. Constantly making shit worse, So I ask you to find a new job. And here we are 4 almost 5 months later. And no new job, I can't even remember the last time you LOOKED for a new job.
I bring it up, I don't have the training for any of that, I need to go to school.
Something I to would like to do. Something I plan on doing, you asked me to wait to enroll, so you could find classes and enroll. Yet I havn't seen you looking. This has been eating away at me for a while. Almost content with where you are, being broke yet always complaining.
I want us to do better and I fought and busted my ass... And I moved up. But I realize that that isn't going to be there forever. I want to go to school, maybe for something that won't be right for me as a job... But it'll do for right now.
I take 12 hours shifts to make more money and maybe get some spending cash. Yet you cry. I spend 13 hours in a cubicle... The thing I wanted most to never have to do, but I do it anyway, so we have a place to start. A desk jockey is one thing, a cubicle monkey is totally different, then midst this daily crap, I see something on myspace, a status message from you... "I'm on motherfucking vacation" I believe it was, happy almost ectatic, to go two weeks with out working, without pay.
I wonder what the hell... And remember your words, "I need this break away from those kids away from Tina, time to relax" I get two days both on Teusday in the midst of the week. 15 days off straight, no money, no nothing.
I geuss in a way I am a bit like the quality I very much dislike about you. Your busy body issue, what was it? "If I'm busting my ass I don't want everyone else doing nothing"
I would love to see effort, progress will come, but only after genuine effort. A big chunk of my problems with money is with you not even trying, like you've givin up. So when I get home with my nice check... And I see you've givin up yet still want to throw my money on bills.... It's hard. Hard for me not to do with it what I want.
Tara Truex
Wow rach. I'm so sorry i didn't know. Like Jeannie said you can always come over here and take a break. If you ever need anything just let me know. And as i always love to say,...
YOU CAN ALWAYS COME WORK AT THE SHERATON!
(thought i would try to make you laugh)
No but really though, there are a lot of positions open and i know you would be an excellent candidate.
Love you always and miss you terribly,
GOTLAUGHTER?
you know you can always take a break for a day or so and spend some time over here! besides you have to come and get your x-mas gift! love you sweetie
7:48 PM
Why do I try so hard
Why do I care so much
Why do I put everyone elses needs above mine
When all it does is bring me to tears
I thought that this vacation was gonna be something I could use to calm down. I need a break from stress, a break from life. But it's no different. When I wake up theres still a life that demands my presence. Demands things that can't be done. This is all so fucking rediculous. I can't balance my account anymore. I don't get paid enough. I cant help my sisters. I can't go a day without fighting with Mike. I don't even get laid that often anymore, because aparently a raging bitch isn't that attractive.
I'm so tired.
Tired of trying, tired of stressing, tired of crying, tired of yelling.
Tired of not having money for food or gas, tired of wondering where it all goes, how the fuck its all gonna work. Cuz a week before payday, it doesn't work.
Right now.
Its hard.
Its hard to even get out of bed in the morning.
Its hard knowing that we're gonna get in a fight. It's inevitable now.
Its hard to shower. Why the fuck make myself look presentable when the days is gonna be a waste anyways?
I get mad at myself. I get mad at animals. I get mad when I drop something. I get mad when I have to cook dinner, I used to love to cook.
What happened to me.
What am I doing wrong. I've been trying to figure it out for a while and I just don't know anymore.
James
I really feel you rachel I'm sorry. I know what it's like to be stuck in a rut like that im kinda in one now.
In times like these you kinda have to step out of your box & do what you have to do. Take charge. We are the only ones that can make change for ourselves.
I know you are really smart & there are alot of things you can do. You'll figure it out.
Michael Burton
Not all of the problem is you.
Not all of the problem is me.
Yes I am bad with money.
I am busting my ass all the time at work because its the chance we have to get out. I spend all day long working dealing with Peters shit, with him shit talking me and knowing I have to take it like a bitch because that's all we have.
And its frustrating to me to see hear you complain, oh theres no money, oh I hate my job. Constantly making shit worse, So I ask you to find a new job. And here we are 4 almost 5 months later. And no new job, I can't even remember the last time you LOOKED for a new job.
I bring it up, I don't have the training for any of that, I need to go to school.
Something I to would like to do. Something I plan on doing, you asked me to wait to enroll, so you could find classes and enroll. Yet I havn't seen you looking. This has been eating away at me for a while. Almost content with where you are, being broke yet always complaining.
I want us to do better and I fought and busted my ass... And I moved up. But I realize that that isn't going to be there forever. I want to go to school, maybe for something that won't be right for me as a job... But it'll do for right now.
I take 12 hours shifts to make more money and maybe get some spending cash. Yet you cry. I spend 13 hours in a cubicle... The thing I wanted most to never have to do, but I do it anyway, so we have a place to start. A desk jockey is one thing, a cubicle monkey is totally different, then midst this daily crap, I see something on myspace, a status message from you... "I'm on motherfucking vacation" I believe it was, happy almost ectatic, to go two weeks with out working, without pay.
I wonder what the hell... And remember your words, "I need this break away from those kids away from Tina, time to relax" I get two days both on Teusday in the midst of the week. 15 days off straight, no money, no nothing.
I geuss in a way I am a bit like the quality I very much dislike about you. Your busy body issue, what was it? "If I'm busting my ass I don't want everyone else doing nothing"
I would love to see effort, progress will come, but only after genuine effort. A big chunk of my problems with money is with you not even trying, like you've givin up. So when I get home with my nice check... And I see you've givin up yet still want to throw my money on bills.... It's hard. Hard for me not to do with it what I want.
Tara Truex
Wow rach. I'm so sorry i didn't know. Like Jeannie said you can always come over here and take a break. If you ever need anything just let me know. And as i always love to say,...
YOU CAN ALWAYS COME WORK AT THE SHERATON!
(thought i would try to make you laugh)
No but really though, there are a lot of positions open and i know you would be an excellent candidate.
Love you always and miss you terribly,
GOTLAUGHTER?
you know you can always take a break for a day or so and spend some time over here! besides you have to come and get your x-mas gift! love you sweetie
One year
Dec 14, 2007
4:40 PM
Hugs + Kisses
Trust + Patience
It all adds up
To a year of love.
Today makes one year. Even though there have been rough times, I've loved every second of it.
I love you, I love us.
Happy one year anniversary babe :-*
4:40 PM
Hugs + Kisses
Trust + Patience
It all adds up
To a year of love.
Today makes one year. Even though there have been rough times, I've loved every second of it.
I love you, I love us.
Happy one year anniversary babe :-*
When
Nov 4, 2007
10:29 AM
When will it end, when will they not hurt her anymore? When will it not hurt me to see her?
I know if it hurts me to watch her go through it, it hurts her 10 times more to be there in it every day.
I have said I will fix it for years. I've said I would help and make it better, but when? She has sat there waiting for me for so long.
Something's got to change, I have to actully do something. Before she gives up on herself.
10:29 AM
When will it end, when will they not hurt her anymore? When will it not hurt me to see her?
I know if it hurts me to watch her go through it, it hurts her 10 times more to be there in it every day.
I have said I will fix it for years. I've said I would help and make it better, but when? She has sat there waiting for me for so long.
Something's got to change, I have to actully do something. Before she gives up on herself.
And it really doesn’t matter does it?
Sep 21, 2007
7:40 PM
Well since my point isn't getting across I guess its all pointless. Because its all bullshit that comes out of my mouth right? I am always wrong, and you are always right.
I can't believe you are really mad at me for missing you. I was packing when I started our conversation online, then you signed off and ditched me, so I guess you didnt' want me to come over and we missed out on more time together because you got mad at my feelings. You made me feel like shit for feeling the way I do.
The one thing I want more than anything in the world right now is for you to hold me and tell me that I am crazy and you love me. But since I am just full of bullshit you aren't willing to come over here and do that.
I am gonna be lonley and sad with wet eyes in my bed tonight missing you. And you don't even care.
Michael Burton
I can't fucking believe you Rachel. I do everything I can to make you feel like I love you. Why because I do. I love you more than anything else. And I don't make you feel loved? What about that picture I send you telling you how much the Sun's beauty reminds me of you. But you don't give a fuck do you. I am doing everything I can to make this birthday a special one. Like I said I counted it all out and it would be like 900 dollars. And I have to scale that back, because I don't have the money to. I would give you the world if I could because you deserve it and more, But I can't and you don't give a fucking shit do you? I sit there and will just randomly kiss yours forehead or cheek and tell you how much I love you. In front of everyone. I risk losing my fucking job so I can come see you in the mornings. Yet you don't care do you? You don't look at the good things I do just harp about the bad. Like YOU don't fucking care. And as far as me wanting to sleep last time we wanted to fuck I AM the one that wanted to do that. I said we should that night, I also said I didn't want to wait til midnight cuz I was tired. I wanted to do it before dinner cuz I get full I get tired. A deadly combination when I'm already tired. But you didn't take that into concideration. Yet we still had sex. As tired as I was. You are a nympho and I am the equivilent of a 25-26 yr old, in that dept. But I still try to keep up. You know what I don't even feel like going on with this message. I am just tired of the shit. I'mma go lay down.
Heather Cain
no matter wtf problems me and my sister have, ill still fuck your shit up watch what you call her and watch who you say it too. i understand you guys have problems right now and i know my sister and know how she is with sex. but she isnt trying to hapr at you, shes trying to make you see her side of it the only way she knows how. ya your mad and you have every right to be, but as of right now were still cool, so i would appreciate it of the name calling was kept at a minimum.
Teulula MaBoob
I loved that picture message, it made me cry a little cuz it was so sweet. And I still have it saved in my phone so I can go look at it sometimes when I miss you, and it makes me smile. And I am happy that you are putting so much into my birthday, and that you would give me the world. I love the kisses you give me and all the times you tell me you love me.
I guess the more that I think about this, the more it evolves into something different. I think my issue is with a need to be desired.
GOTLAUGHTER?
awe baby girl i wish there was something i could do!
7:40 PM
Well since my point isn't getting across I guess its all pointless. Because its all bullshit that comes out of my mouth right? I am always wrong, and you are always right.
I can't believe you are really mad at me for missing you. I was packing when I started our conversation online, then you signed off and ditched me, so I guess you didnt' want me to come over and we missed out on more time together because you got mad at my feelings. You made me feel like shit for feeling the way I do.
The one thing I want more than anything in the world right now is for you to hold me and tell me that I am crazy and you love me. But since I am just full of bullshit you aren't willing to come over here and do that.
I am gonna be lonley and sad with wet eyes in my bed tonight missing you. And you don't even care.
Michael Burton
I can't fucking believe you Rachel. I do everything I can to make you feel like I love you. Why because I do. I love you more than anything else. And I don't make you feel loved? What about that picture I send you telling you how much the Sun's beauty reminds me of you. But you don't give a fuck do you. I am doing everything I can to make this birthday a special one. Like I said I counted it all out and it would be like 900 dollars. And I have to scale that back, because I don't have the money to. I would give you the world if I could because you deserve it and more, But I can't and you don't give a fucking shit do you? I sit there and will just randomly kiss yours forehead or cheek and tell you how much I love you. In front of everyone. I risk losing my fucking job so I can come see you in the mornings. Yet you don't care do you? You don't look at the good things I do just harp about the bad. Like YOU don't fucking care. And as far as me wanting to sleep last time we wanted to fuck I AM the one that wanted to do that. I said we should that night, I also said I didn't want to wait til midnight cuz I was tired. I wanted to do it before dinner cuz I get full I get tired. A deadly combination when I'm already tired. But you didn't take that into concideration. Yet we still had sex. As tired as I was. You are a nympho and I am the equivilent of a 25-26 yr old, in that dept. But I still try to keep up. You know what I don't even feel like going on with this message. I am just tired of the shit. I'mma go lay down.
Heather Cain
no matter wtf problems me and my sister have, ill still fuck your shit up watch what you call her and watch who you say it too. i understand you guys have problems right now and i know my sister and know how she is with sex. but she isnt trying to hapr at you, shes trying to make you see her side of it the only way she knows how. ya your mad and you have every right to be, but as of right now were still cool, so i would appreciate it of the name calling was kept at a minimum.
Teulula MaBoob
I loved that picture message, it made me cry a little cuz it was so sweet. And I still have it saved in my phone so I can go look at it sometimes when I miss you, and it makes me smile. And I am happy that you are putting so much into my birthday, and that you would give me the world. I love the kisses you give me and all the times you tell me you love me.
I guess the more that I think about this, the more it evolves into something different. I think my issue is with a need to be desired.
GOTLAUGHTER?
awe baby girl i wish there was something i could do!
Wash away the tears
Sep 21, 2007
6:17 PM
Do you really still care?
Do I mean what I once did to you?
Am I just too fat to fuck anymore? Am I just too lame to spend time with? The last time we had sex, I practically had to force you to cuz you were passing out. And the last time I came over to spend the night at your house, you played risk with shawn till damn near midnight and I passed out on the couch. Then today when I was gonna come over tonight, you inform me that you are going to masturbate before I get there. WTF? You know how I flipped out the last time you hadn't fucked me for a week and then asked me to give you head. This is the same damn thing. Why show me what I can't have? You know its just gonna piss me off.
I love you and I miss you so much. I put out so much effort to come see you all the time. But you don't even care to ask me to come over anymore. Do you know how it makes me feel that I have to ask you to come over? I feel like I have to force any issue just to get close to you anymore? Do you know how lonley and uloved that makes me feel? On top of knowing that I am too fat to look cute anymore, too unattractive to get your attention, now I feel that you could care less if I was even around at all.
I'm gonna go take a shower to wash away my tears now. Maybe that will make me feel better since all you did was just sign off and not answer my calls when I brought this up. I thought this talking thing was supposed to be a good thing, but every time I bring something up you just get mad and act like what I say or think or feel is bullshit.
Thanks for making me feel so loved babe.
Thanks for letting me know how much you care about how I feel.
GOTLAUGHTER?
wow i guess my email back to you was preemtive the boot sounds good to me your hella better than this kind of fucking treatment!
Teulula MaBoob
I'm not giving him the boot! LOL. I'm just upset and want to be understood, not told I'm full of bullshit.
Michael Burton
I can't fucking believe this.
6:17 PM
Do you really still care?
Do I mean what I once did to you?
Am I just too fat to fuck anymore? Am I just too lame to spend time with? The last time we had sex, I practically had to force you to cuz you were passing out. And the last time I came over to spend the night at your house, you played risk with shawn till damn near midnight and I passed out on the couch. Then today when I was gonna come over tonight, you inform me that you are going to masturbate before I get there. WTF? You know how I flipped out the last time you hadn't fucked me for a week and then asked me to give you head. This is the same damn thing. Why show me what I can't have? You know its just gonna piss me off.
I love you and I miss you so much. I put out so much effort to come see you all the time. But you don't even care to ask me to come over anymore. Do you know how it makes me feel that I have to ask you to come over? I feel like I have to force any issue just to get close to you anymore? Do you know how lonley and uloved that makes me feel? On top of knowing that I am too fat to look cute anymore, too unattractive to get your attention, now I feel that you could care less if I was even around at all.
I'm gonna go take a shower to wash away my tears now. Maybe that will make me feel better since all you did was just sign off and not answer my calls when I brought this up. I thought this talking thing was supposed to be a good thing, but every time I bring something up you just get mad and act like what I say or think or feel is bullshit.
Thanks for making me feel so loved babe.
Thanks for letting me know how much you care about how I feel.
GOTLAUGHTER?
wow i guess my email back to you was preemtive the boot sounds good to me your hella better than this kind of fucking treatment!
Teulula MaBoob
I'm not giving him the boot! LOL. I'm just upset and want to be understood, not told I'm full of bullshit.
Michael Burton
I can't fucking believe this.
Six months
Jun 26, 2007
7:16 AM
Icy chills in December
make me wonder,
is it warmer over there?
Is it safe over there?
So I choose to give it a go,
I don't know how,
but you lured me.
Then in January I realize
it was your eyes,
it was your smile,
your sense of humor,
there were so many things.
And yet so many,
just waiting to be discovered.
Patience and understanding
came in February.
Learning that there is much more
than what's on the surface.
Every day, any day,
can be a day to express your love,
in so many creative ways.
Comfort is a difficult things for me.
But by the time March
comes around, I realize
that somewhere down the line,
I achieved complete comfort with you,
without even realizing it.
And we started spending more
and more time together in April.
I didn't feel like it was too much,
I didn't feel the need to leave.
And when I had to go,
all I wanted to do was be back in your arms.
When things got stressful in May,
you were there for me.
You were there with your smile,
your sense of humor, your love.
Whenever you see me upset,
your main objective is to
get me to laugh.
And in June, here we are, six months.
It doesn't seem like it's been that long.
But that's probably because I haven't been
counting the days accumulating in our past,
but looking at the ones to come in our future.
I look forward to every day I get to spend with you,
every night I get to spend with you, and
wake up next to you. I love you so much.
I don't know what I would do without you,
these past six months have been amazing.
Happy six months babe!
Love you lots!
<3
Comment (3)
♥WLN♥RAD♥
this is so beautiful.
mike is lucky to have
you guys are amazing together
and hella happy for you both!
GOTLAUGHTER?
that is very nice!
Michael Burton
Babe that's beautiful. I don't even know what to say.
7:16 AM
Icy chills in December
make me wonder,
is it warmer over there?
Is it safe over there?
So I choose to give it a go,
I don't know how,
but you lured me.
Then in January I realize
it was your eyes,
it was your smile,
your sense of humor,
there were so many things.
And yet so many,
just waiting to be discovered.
Patience and understanding
came in February.
Learning that there is much more
than what's on the surface.
Every day, any day,
can be a day to express your love,
in so many creative ways.
Comfort is a difficult things for me.
But by the time March
comes around, I realize
that somewhere down the line,
I achieved complete comfort with you,
without even realizing it.
And we started spending more
and more time together in April.
I didn't feel like it was too much,
I didn't feel the need to leave.
And when I had to go,
all I wanted to do was be back in your arms.
When things got stressful in May,
you were there for me.
You were there with your smile,
your sense of humor, your love.
Whenever you see me upset,
your main objective is to
get me to laugh.
And in June, here we are, six months.
It doesn't seem like it's been that long.
But that's probably because I haven't been
counting the days accumulating in our past,
but looking at the ones to come in our future.
I look forward to every day I get to spend with you,
every night I get to spend with you, and
wake up next to you. I love you so much.
I don't know what I would do without you,
these past six months have been amazing.
Happy six months babe!
Love you lots!
<3
Comment (3)
♥WLN♥RAD♥
this is so beautiful.
mike is lucky to have
you guys are amazing together
and hella happy for you both!
GOTLAUGHTER?
that is very nice!
Michael Burton
Babe that's beautiful. I don't even know what to say.
Ignorant, Bitch of a Woman, Without a Soul
Jun 11, 2007
8:57 AM
Ignorant, Bitch of a Woman, Without a Soul
It makes me sad when parents act like their children are nothing. Act like they are not worth their time, energy, or even their breath. It pisses me off when they think they are too good for a little help, especially when it means the pain and suffering of their children.
I can't tell you how much it hurts me. I see a child who was once a person, once a child, filled with joy. And now, now I see a shell, similar to my own. She has burried herself far down, believes what everyone else tells her because she doesn't have an opinion of her own anymore. After years of being told your opinion, your fears, your problems, your pain means nothing, it takes a toll.
I wish that she never had to go through this, I wish that I could help her. I have tried for years, and I will continue to try. I will try to reverse the damage that has been done to her young, fragile mind. Its just hard for me to see what has happened.
Why does it hurt me, and yet not her mother? Why does her mother think I'm the bad guy? Why does shit like this happen to poor innocent children?
8:57 AM
Ignorant, Bitch of a Woman, Without a Soul
It makes me sad when parents act like their children are nothing. Act like they are not worth their time, energy, or even their breath. It pisses me off when they think they are too good for a little help, especially when it means the pain and suffering of their children.
I can't tell you how much it hurts me. I see a child who was once a person, once a child, filled with joy. And now, now I see a shell, similar to my own. She has burried herself far down, believes what everyone else tells her because she doesn't have an opinion of her own anymore. After years of being told your opinion, your fears, your problems, your pain means nothing, it takes a toll.
I wish that she never had to go through this, I wish that I could help her. I have tried for years, and I will continue to try. I will try to reverse the damage that has been done to her young, fragile mind. Its just hard for me to see what has happened.
Why does it hurt me, and yet not her mother? Why does her mother think I'm the bad guy? Why does shit like this happen to poor innocent children?
I have no idea
May 17, 2007
5:50 PM
I don't know if it's you, I don't know if it's me, I don't know if it's anything at all.
All I know is I feel weird. I feel irritated and even angry at times. I feel scared and lonely, when you are right there. I feel like there is something there that I can't put my finger on.
I don't know if I am just making nothing into something. I could just be scared because I have seen it all before, just one of those too good to be true things. Idk. I guess I just keep thinking its all gonna end the same way it has before and I can't get that out of my brain.
I've put my heart and soul into something, and a guy tells me that they love me just as much, if not more. Wants to marry me. Tells me every day how much he loves me. Comes to bed late, wakes me up and makes love to me. Then the very next morning I find out that it was all a lie. I believed it all, I trusted him with my heart, with the rest of my life. And all he did was use me. Used me for everything he could with a disguise of love, and then fucked me, and left me.
I try to tell myself all the time that maybe not all guys are like that. Not every relationship will be like that. But every so far, I am merely thrown out like garbage, and forgotten. The second someone else walks into the picture, I am old news.
I am scared that love will make me blind, and so I find myself worrying over little things, trying to see what's coming before it hits me when I'm not looking.
You make me so happy, and I love you so much. I could have the worst day ever, but when I see you after work, it all goes away. Your touch, your eyes, your voice, you are my escape, without you I don't know what I would do. The first time I told you I loved you I was crying(and not a bad cry lol), although you didn't know it. Because you get to me that much. I am crying right now, because I love you, and I don't know why I think something is wrong and why I can't get it out of my head.
I'm sorry if I sound crazy, but I know its not good for me to keep alot of things inside. So I just needed to kind of vent for a minute. And again, this is one of those blogs that only you and Heather can read.
Comment (2)
Michael Burton
Look I love you and I mean it I am in no way trying to use you. I couldn't do that if I wanted to. And I don't. Shit I feel bad and put myself under constant stress everyday because I hate oweing you money. It's just not something I want. Shit I am indebt to you over 400 dollars. Do you have ANY idea how much that rips me apart? I can't just sit around the house all day it drives me nuts and I can't be confined to one friend.Yes Michelle coming into the picture is differnet, I don't really care for her too much right now but I am at a stage where I can't back out. And Whitney has been a friend of mine for 5 years or so. Ya she makes bad decisions but that's part of her and the only reason I am taking her back is she has shown SOOO much change. She's finally started to grow up. And about this car thing. I am not asking you to sign anything I want to do this on my own. I mean I don't want to put you on the lease or whatever because I can't even fathom the shit that ron put you through and I never want to do that. Shit. Maybe the distance or whatever it is that you have been seeing is the accumulation of all this stress. I mean shit I am the type that wants to be the knight in shining armor, if my head it is my job to help you not you help me. In my mind it is as much my responcibility to help you out of you credit shit as possible. I just got a year deferment on my loan so that wont hurt me for a while. I want to get into guard training and move with that, I want to do so much and it's hard.I am making shit at UPC. I am not happy with anyhting in my life but you. You are my shining star. You have been giving me hope through everything. And yes it takes struggle and shit but I am willing to do that. And right now the big thing is getting a full time job or a second part time job. andI can't do that unless its within a few blocks. And right now the only experence I have is driving. And if I get busted in this car there goes that. I need to get rid of that thing asap which means I need a new car. Which could also build my credit. After we are set and comfy I want to try to repair yours too... I have a lot of shit on my plate too and I don't have anywhere to vent. Well I guess now I kinda am. But know I have a lot of shit on my plate too and I am looking for any way to get my head out from under the water. And this is the only way I see.
Heather Cain
ya i did try to call you and i hung up because icky came in, i found out some shit today and i dont like it. i found out hes been lying to me and hes been hiding where hes been going, and when his friends dint no hes hiding it they joke about it and i will ask him and he lies some more. i hate lying and now i dont trust him, i cant even look at him the same, and i snot think it will be fixed.
and i dont no if mike is doing anything bad or something stupid, but whatever is happening he needs to just tell you whats going on even if its nothing, if only for reasurrance, he just needs to tell you. because if he desnt tell you and you find out another way it hurts a lot more
5:50 PM
I don't know if it's you, I don't know if it's me, I don't know if it's anything at all.
All I know is I feel weird. I feel irritated and even angry at times. I feel scared and lonely, when you are right there. I feel like there is something there that I can't put my finger on.
I don't know if I am just making nothing into something. I could just be scared because I have seen it all before, just one of those too good to be true things. Idk. I guess I just keep thinking its all gonna end the same way it has before and I can't get that out of my brain.
I've put my heart and soul into something, and a guy tells me that they love me just as much, if not more. Wants to marry me. Tells me every day how much he loves me. Comes to bed late, wakes me up and makes love to me. Then the very next morning I find out that it was all a lie. I believed it all, I trusted him with my heart, with the rest of my life. And all he did was use me. Used me for everything he could with a disguise of love, and then fucked me, and left me.
I try to tell myself all the time that maybe not all guys are like that. Not every relationship will be like that. But every so far, I am merely thrown out like garbage, and forgotten. The second someone else walks into the picture, I am old news.
I am scared that love will make me blind, and so I find myself worrying over little things, trying to see what's coming before it hits me when I'm not looking.
You make me so happy, and I love you so much. I could have the worst day ever, but when I see you after work, it all goes away. Your touch, your eyes, your voice, you are my escape, without you I don't know what I would do. The first time I told you I loved you I was crying(and not a bad cry lol), although you didn't know it. Because you get to me that much. I am crying right now, because I love you, and I don't know why I think something is wrong and why I can't get it out of my head.
I'm sorry if I sound crazy, but I know its not good for me to keep alot of things inside. So I just needed to kind of vent for a minute. And again, this is one of those blogs that only you and Heather can read.
Comment (2)
Michael Burton
Look I love you and I mean it I am in no way trying to use you. I couldn't do that if I wanted to. And I don't. Shit I feel bad and put myself under constant stress everyday because I hate oweing you money. It's just not something I want. Shit I am indebt to you over 400 dollars. Do you have ANY idea how much that rips me apart? I can't just sit around the house all day it drives me nuts and I can't be confined to one friend.Yes Michelle coming into the picture is differnet, I don't really care for her too much right now but I am at a stage where I can't back out. And Whitney has been a friend of mine for 5 years or so. Ya she makes bad decisions but that's part of her and the only reason I am taking her back is she has shown SOOO much change. She's finally started to grow up. And about this car thing. I am not asking you to sign anything I want to do this on my own. I mean I don't want to put you on the lease or whatever because I can't even fathom the shit that ron put you through and I never want to do that. Shit. Maybe the distance or whatever it is that you have been seeing is the accumulation of all this stress. I mean shit I am the type that wants to be the knight in shining armor, if my head it is my job to help you not you help me. In my mind it is as much my responcibility to help you out of you credit shit as possible. I just got a year deferment on my loan so that wont hurt me for a while. I want to get into guard training and move with that, I want to do so much and it's hard.I am making shit at UPC. I am not happy with anyhting in my life but you. You are my shining star. You have been giving me hope through everything. And yes it takes struggle and shit but I am willing to do that. And right now the big thing is getting a full time job or a second part time job. andI can't do that unless its within a few blocks. And right now the only experence I have is driving. And if I get busted in this car there goes that. I need to get rid of that thing asap which means I need a new car. Which could also build my credit. After we are set and comfy I want to try to repair yours too... I have a lot of shit on my plate too and I don't have anywhere to vent. Well I guess now I kinda am. But know I have a lot of shit on my plate too and I am looking for any way to get my head out from under the water. And this is the only way I see.
Heather Cain
ya i did try to call you and i hung up because icky came in, i found out some shit today and i dont like it. i found out hes been lying to me and hes been hiding where hes been going, and when his friends dint no hes hiding it they joke about it and i will ask him and he lies some more. i hate lying and now i dont trust him, i cant even look at him the same, and i snot think it will be fixed.
and i dont no if mike is doing anything bad or something stupid, but whatever is happening he needs to just tell you whats going on even if its nothing, if only for reasurrance, he just needs to tell you. because if he desnt tell you and you find out another way it hurts a lot more
Blind
May 15, 2007
6:30 PM
...Aunt Amy stands at the stove stirring a pot of stew, her face as contented as a cow's. On this overcast day, with dark clouds gathering in the western sky, she seems oblivious to the rumble of thunder. In my aunt's world, every day is a sunny one. She sees no evil, hears no evil. She is like the livestock fattening on clover on the farm down the road, the cattle that know nothing of the slaughterhouse. She cannot see beyond the glow of her own happiness, to the precipice just beyond her feet. ...
The Mephisto Club
Tess Gerritsen
6:30 PM
...Aunt Amy stands at the stove stirring a pot of stew, her face as contented as a cow's. On this overcast day, with dark clouds gathering in the western sky, she seems oblivious to the rumble of thunder. In my aunt's world, every day is a sunny one. She sees no evil, hears no evil. She is like the livestock fattening on clover on the farm down the road, the cattle that know nothing of the slaughterhouse. She cannot see beyond the glow of her own happiness, to the precipice just beyond her feet. ...
The Mephisto Club
Tess Gerritsen
The Iris
Apr 22, 2007
9:26 PM
The Iris
There was a great flower,
There was a great friend,
There was a great woman,
There was a great family member,
And for some great reason,
All called the same great thing.
Comment (1)
Heather Cain
i like that one
9:26 PM
The Iris
There was a great flower,
There was a great friend,
There was a great woman,
There was a great family member,
And for some great reason,
All called the same great thing.
Comment (1)
Heather Cain
i like that one
Sisters
Apr 21, 2007
12:36 PM
SISTERS FOR EVER
Chance made us sisters,
Hearts made us friends,
You love me,
I love you,
We love eachother,
And for ever we'll love.
-Samantha Cain
12:36 PM
SISTERS FOR EVER
Chance made us sisters,
Hearts made us friends,
You love me,
I love you,
We love eachother,
And for ever we'll love.
-Samantha Cain
Why?
Apr 19, 2007
6:37 PM
Why does it matter so much what she says?
Why does she matter so much?
I want it to just end. I don't want it to come to an ugly ending. And right now that's all I see. Why do you have to say something in return every time she sends you a message? I don't care that you read her blogs, but why do you always have to comment? Can't you just take this for what it is? She is a stupid bitch, and thats all she is. She isn't going to learn, and she isn't going to back down because she thinks she is right.
I am tired of the bullshit. I am asking you to be the bigger person, better than her, drop it and walk away.
Please.
Comment (2)
Heather Cain
man fuck that shit people need to grow up and move the fuck on....
and i mean that to both of them
its over just deal with it, and shes never going to change, its time you realize that
Michael Burton
Yuo really don't understand... I don't know if you ever will.
6:37 PM
Why does it matter so much what she says?
Why does she matter so much?
I want it to just end. I don't want it to come to an ugly ending. And right now that's all I see. Why do you have to say something in return every time she sends you a message? I don't care that you read her blogs, but why do you always have to comment? Can't you just take this for what it is? She is a stupid bitch, and thats all she is. She isn't going to learn, and she isn't going to back down because she thinks she is right.
I am tired of the bullshit. I am asking you to be the bigger person, better than her, drop it and walk away.
Please.
Comment (2)
Heather Cain
man fuck that shit people need to grow up and move the fuck on....
and i mean that to both of them
its over just deal with it, and shes never going to change, its time you realize that
Michael Burton
Yuo really don't understand... I don't know if you ever will.
Thoughts of an 11 year old
Apr 15, 2007
6:10 PM
ONE POINT
There are billions of stars circling around
Millions of planets circling around
Thousands of moons circling around
One point in hundreds of galaxies
And sometimes that point,
Is not you, or me.
-Samantha Cain
Comment (2)
Mr. Maps
Those are very deep thoughts for an 11 year old. ZOMG she must be on the dope!!!
Heather Cain
i dont get it and ricky confuses me lol
6:10 PM
ONE POINT
There are billions of stars circling around
Millions of planets circling around
Thousands of moons circling around
One point in hundreds of galaxies
And sometimes that point,
Is not you, or me.
-Samantha Cain
Comment (2)
Mr. Maps
Those are very deep thoughts for an 11 year old. ZOMG she must be on the dope!!!
Heather Cain
i dont get it and ricky confuses me lol
Do the same for me
Mar 26, 2007
4:39 PM
You said it was because I had too small of a bed. So I got a queen pillowtop. I love it and you love it. But you still never come over. I have probably spent more time on your bed than mine since I got it.
You said it was because I have a roommate. I am sorry I have a roommate. I am sorry that I don't have a place of my own. But this is what I have. I make do with what I have. And conveniently she is gone this week on a business trip. But you are still not gonna come over.
I love you and I want to spend time with you. I like the time at your house. But I just want the time we spend together split between both our places. I want you to come to my house too. I find ways to spend time with you. I ask Tina to drop me off at your house after work on fridays, and I ask her to pick me up on Monday mornings for work. And when she can't pick me up I walk 20 minutes to the bus stop to get to work on time.
It just hurts me that I make it possible for me to get to your house and spend time with you. But you don't do the same for me.
Comment (1)
Heather Cain
u better be strong i swear to god mike needs to get his head out of his ass on this one
Reply(1)
Michael Burton
POOP ON YOU!!! I AM HERE NOW HA
4:39 PM
You said it was because I had too small of a bed. So I got a queen pillowtop. I love it and you love it. But you still never come over. I have probably spent more time on your bed than mine since I got it.
You said it was because I have a roommate. I am sorry I have a roommate. I am sorry that I don't have a place of my own. But this is what I have. I make do with what I have. And conveniently she is gone this week on a business trip. But you are still not gonna come over.
I love you and I want to spend time with you. I like the time at your house. But I just want the time we spend together split between both our places. I want you to come to my house too. I find ways to spend time with you. I ask Tina to drop me off at your house after work on fridays, and I ask her to pick me up on Monday mornings for work. And when she can't pick me up I walk 20 minutes to the bus stop to get to work on time.
It just hurts me that I make it possible for me to get to your house and spend time with you. But you don't do the same for me.
Comment (1)
Heather Cain
u better be strong i swear to god mike needs to get his head out of his ass on this one
Reply(1)
Michael Burton
POOP ON YOU!!! I AM HERE NOW HA
Mike
Mar 25, 2007
5:18 PM
:-*
I love you
I miss you
An I can't wait
To sleep next to you
In your bed
In your arms.
I didn't think
That it was possible
To love you more
Than I do right now,
But I know
That tomorrow I will
Wake up and love you even more.
When you look at me
I know you are truly happy,
When you say you love me
I know you mean it,
When you hold me
I can feel your love.
You are the reason
I smile every day,
You are what
I look forward to every weekend,
You make me happier
Than I have been in so long,
I wanted you to know
How much you mean to me.
<3
5:18 PM
:-*
I love you
I miss you
An I can't wait
To sleep next to you
In your bed
In your arms.
I didn't think
That it was possible
To love you more
Than I do right now,
But I know
That tomorrow I will
Wake up and love you even more.
When you look at me
I know you are truly happy,
When you say you love me
I know you mean it,
When you hold me
I can feel your love.
You are the reason
I smile every day,
You are what
I look forward to every weekend,
You make me happier
Than I have been in so long,
I wanted you to know
How much you mean to me.
<3
The gynecologist
Mar 8, 2007
8:44 PM
... Pelham was a prominent gynecologist in Scranton, Pennsylvania-big youse, Mercedes, pretty wife, couple of kids. First he abused Valium, then he got addicted to harder stuff. He also began sampling the delights of cocaine and the flesh of vasious nurses in his clinic. On the side, he was a real estate swinger with developments and lots of bank financing. Then he dropped a baby during a routine delivery. It died. Its father, a well-respected minister, whitnessed the accident. The humiliation of a lawsuit, more drugs, more nurses, and everything collapsed. He caught herpes from a patient, gave it to his wife, she got everything and moved to Florida. ...
The Street Lawyer
John Grisham
Comment (3)
GOTLAUGHTER?
yeah i am almost done with it! havent been able to read for about a week though! good book!
adrian house
heh I've read that book but i dont remember that part.... ive read 13 of JG's books :) take that!
Michael Burton
Sounds like a good time.
8:44 PM
... Pelham was a prominent gynecologist in Scranton, Pennsylvania-big youse, Mercedes, pretty wife, couple of kids. First he abused Valium, then he got addicted to harder stuff. He also began sampling the delights of cocaine and the flesh of vasious nurses in his clinic. On the side, he was a real estate swinger with developments and lots of bank financing. Then he dropped a baby during a routine delivery. It died. Its father, a well-respected minister, whitnessed the accident. The humiliation of a lawsuit, more drugs, more nurses, and everything collapsed. He caught herpes from a patient, gave it to his wife, she got everything and moved to Florida. ...
The Street Lawyer
John Grisham
Comment (3)
GOTLAUGHTER?
yeah i am almost done with it! havent been able to read for about a week though! good book!
adrian house
heh I've read that book but i dont remember that part.... ive read 13 of JG's books :) take that!
Michael Burton
Sounds like a good time.
She is so young
Feb 25, 2007
2:40 PM
I don't want to scare her, she is only 11. It was scary for me when i was almost 17.
Even if I do say something, nothing will be done about it. My mother doesn't give a fuck about any of us. Aparently Sammie has already said something, to know that she has it.
When Sammie told me that its weird how I had it, then Heather (Well Heather still has it, technically we all still have it.), and now she has it too, I figured she was too young and it must just be in her head. But I told her to stand up so I could check anyways. I tried to keep a straight face, but its hard to do when something like that proves you wrong.
I went through this years ago. And they said it was hereditary. But I fuckin hoped that neither of my sisters would end up with it. And you know what, both of them did. And now Sammie has it at only 11. Its not bad enough that they go through so much shit on a daily basis with our lives, but now they have to deal with a fuckin serious spinal condition?
And some people still wonder why I don't believe in god.
I had scoliosis at 16, and had corrective spinal surgery. I now have two, permanant, full length steel rods in my back. My sister Heather has it as well, with no medical insurance through my parents, they can't support her, let alone insure her medical well being. Thats why she hans't lived with them since she was 15. And now, Sammie, my 11 year old sister has it as well. No medial either, and sadly she still lives with our parents. Shares a bedroom with her parents, doesnt ever have clean clothes unless she comes to my house, she is in sixth grade! And now she has to deal with something this huge. And its nothing little either, its quite visibly aparent.
I knew this would happen eventually, but I just didn't think it would happen this soon. She is so young.
Comment (1)
Michele Resuello
I dont know what to even say. I am just so sorry that you girls had to and have to have such a tough life. It just is not fair! You all have always had to worry about things no child should have to worry about! If there is anthing any of you ever need, even if its just to talk, please know im here for you!!!
2:40 PM
I don't want to scare her, she is only 11. It was scary for me when i was almost 17.
Even if I do say something, nothing will be done about it. My mother doesn't give a fuck about any of us. Aparently Sammie has already said something, to know that she has it.
When Sammie told me that its weird how I had it, then Heather (Well Heather still has it, technically we all still have it.), and now she has it too, I figured she was too young and it must just be in her head. But I told her to stand up so I could check anyways. I tried to keep a straight face, but its hard to do when something like that proves you wrong.
I went through this years ago. And they said it was hereditary. But I fuckin hoped that neither of my sisters would end up with it. And you know what, both of them did. And now Sammie has it at only 11. Its not bad enough that they go through so much shit on a daily basis with our lives, but now they have to deal with a fuckin serious spinal condition?
And some people still wonder why I don't believe in god.
I had scoliosis at 16, and had corrective spinal surgery. I now have two, permanant, full length steel rods in my back. My sister Heather has it as well, with no medical insurance through my parents, they can't support her, let alone insure her medical well being. Thats why she hans't lived with them since she was 15. And now, Sammie, my 11 year old sister has it as well. No medial either, and sadly she still lives with our parents. Shares a bedroom with her parents, doesnt ever have clean clothes unless she comes to my house, she is in sixth grade! And now she has to deal with something this huge. And its nothing little either, its quite visibly aparent.
I knew this would happen eventually, but I just didn't think it would happen this soon. She is so young.
Comment (1)
Michele Resuello
I dont know what to even say. I am just so sorry that you girls had to and have to have such a tough life. It just is not fair! You all have always had to worry about things no child should have to worry about! If there is anthing any of you ever need, even if its just to talk, please know im here for you!!!
Fuck you
Feb 9, 2007
10:47 AM
You know what pisses me off
People who are so fuckin childish and irrisponsible. But yet they have everything they want, and anything they could ever desire. People who don't have a job, but can blow money on tattoos and weed without a care in the world. People who can drive all over town and then when they run out of gas they just run to mommy and daddy and get a gas card. People who have no sense of responsibility or priorities.
I get up for work at 4 in the morning for work every day. I don't have a car, but I manage just fine. I walk to work in the rain, the freezing cold, and our 100 degree weather. I make 10 bucks an hour. Which barely covers my rent, phone bill, and bus pass. Not even to mention my food bill, new clothes, toiolet paper, shampoo, all the things that real adults have to fuckin think about. I work just to make it by.
And yet some people walk around and think they are hot shit because they have everything handed to them. They get to spend mommy and daddys money and that gives them some sort of stisfaction. Does it really make you feel good to throw around money that isn't even yours, that you don't even have to get off your fat ass to recieve? I would love to see what would happen to you if you got kicked out. You wouldn't know the first thing about how to really live.
"I have such a horrible life..." " I am so kool because I have this many tattoos..." " Look at my kool car..." "I am gonna buy my friends kool tattoos..." Give it a fuckin rest. Let us all know when you actually accomplish something real. When you get over the real hurdles in life.
God you piss me off so much. You think you are so great. You have everything planned out. You have been everywhere and seen everything. You know everything too. You don't know shit.
Just a rant, shitty days do that to me.
Btw. I hate the fuckin rain.
Comment (1)
Heather Cain
thats howfat fucks are no matter what they have, they always want more... rain sucks balls :(
10:47 AM
You know what pisses me off
People who are so fuckin childish and irrisponsible. But yet they have everything they want, and anything they could ever desire. People who don't have a job, but can blow money on tattoos and weed without a care in the world. People who can drive all over town and then when they run out of gas they just run to mommy and daddy and get a gas card. People who have no sense of responsibility or priorities.
I get up for work at 4 in the morning for work every day. I don't have a car, but I manage just fine. I walk to work in the rain, the freezing cold, and our 100 degree weather. I make 10 bucks an hour. Which barely covers my rent, phone bill, and bus pass. Not even to mention my food bill, new clothes, toiolet paper, shampoo, all the things that real adults have to fuckin think about. I work just to make it by.
And yet some people walk around and think they are hot shit because they have everything handed to them. They get to spend mommy and daddys money and that gives them some sort of stisfaction. Does it really make you feel good to throw around money that isn't even yours, that you don't even have to get off your fat ass to recieve? I would love to see what would happen to you if you got kicked out. You wouldn't know the first thing about how to really live.
"I have such a horrible life..." " I am so kool because I have this many tattoos..." " Look at my kool car..." "I am gonna buy my friends kool tattoos..." Give it a fuckin rest. Let us all know when you actually accomplish something real. When you get over the real hurdles in life.
God you piss me off so much. You think you are so great. You have everything planned out. You have been everywhere and seen everything. You know everything too. You don't know shit.
Just a rant, shitty days do that to me.
Btw. I hate the fuckin rain.
Comment (1)
Heather Cain
thats howfat fucks are no matter what they have, they always want more... rain sucks balls :(
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